More Important Than My Fears

Struggling with Schizoaffective disorder has resulted in me doing and saying a lot of things that I regret. The most impactful but least notable was when I yelled at my brother four years ago. I know he’s going to read this, and I want him to know this is an explanation of progress and not a confession to lingering guilt. I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

I was with some friends till about 8:30 one night. When we were saying goodbye, I was in a good mood. I had a smile on my face. But when I got in my car, I was filled with fear. That was the night I had my first tactile hallucination (a hallucination that you not only see and hear, but can also touch, smell, and/or taste).

I remember what he looked like. The hallucination was on the floor by the peddles of my car. He had a small body, short but strong legs and arms, and a large, upside down head. His thumb and three fingers were curled up tight, but his index finger was about ten inches long and extended towards me. His smile was very large. He reached up with his finger and poked my chest. As soon as I felt the impact, I started shaking and shouting “THAT CAN’T HAPPEN! THEY CAN’T DO THAT! THEY CAN’T TOUCH ME!” I later learned that this is very normal. But in that moment, I was too scared to move, think, or do anything. I didn’t gain the strength to drive until 4 in the morning. I drove slowly with lots of breaks and didn’t get home till 5 am.

I told my brother I would be home by 9 and we would hang out. He asked me why I didn’t text him back and where I was. I don’t remember how the whole conversation went. I just remember thinking “don’t tell him the truth.” I tried to say we were out late, we had fun, and it was a normal night. It clearly didn’t add up and he kept asking. Eventually I snapped. “I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t want to think about how I was too scared to drive home! I don’t want to think about how I sat in that parking lot for seven hours! Just stop asking!” I don’t remember what we talked about after that. I just felt bad for yelling.

I’ve realized since then that my motivations were all wrong. I was too scared to drive home for me. But I’ve learned that my family is more important to me than my fears. I’ve developed that lesson and have now learned that all the people in my life are more important than my fears. You are stronger than anything that I’m afraid of.

Last week, my brain created situations far more terrifying than a single hallucination with the power to “touch” me. My disorder was at the worst point in its cycle. I woke up screaming and ran to my bathroom to throw up. A hallucination took my hand and lead my back to bed. Once there, the screaming got louder. They put saws on my legs and arms to “amputate” them, which happens a lot. The whole time, an “angel” was telling me how God was going to punish me because I “killed my friends.” The next morning, I saw a couple of those friends. I wanted to tell them everything so they would hug me and say “that wasn’t real. You’re okay.” But I already knew all that. Still, the hug would be nice. The point is, I don’t have to yell. I don’t have to say “I was too scared. Leave me alone.” All I say now is “It’s so good to see you!” And I mean that SO much more than they’ll ever know.