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Misconception with BPD, Anxiety, Stress and Depression

by Aliexanne 9 months ago in disorder

My life

Hello, my name is Aliex and I decided to start a Blog to raise awareness in mental health. Me personally, I do not think that there is not enough talk surrounding this matter as it affects so many people, men, and women in many different ways. Back in July, I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, Anxiety, Stress and Depression. This did not come as a surprise as I had so many mixed emotions such as feeling lost, unwanted, confused, sad and even suicidal.

I was diagnosed with with these Mental Health Disorders in July 2020. This time was a surreal and draining experience for me. I had just been taken in to a mental health hospital after trying to commit suicide for about the 10th time this year. That’s not even an exaggeration either. I was unstable and a risk to myself. I had not long finished my first semester at university and it was a tough time. Anyone who has been to university would know. I was recovering from cellulitis in my foot from November last year. My foot was almost amputated because of it and I was hospitalized. I had just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship when I was never told nice things and I never felt special. My father has Multiple Sclerosis and has not been feeling very well the last couple of year after receiving some life changing treatment. My eating habits have rocketed through the roof too. One minute I am overeating and comfort eating and the next I am starving my self and making myself be sick. I was spiraling in to a chain of emotions that I could not control. Feelings of rage came out more times than I could remember along with feelings of loneliness.

When I was a child I always felt different. I hated being in social settings as my anxiety would set in. This led me to not want to go to school as well as distancing my self away from my friends. I always felt I was never good enough to have friends. I was extremely quiet in school that I never wanted to talk out loud in class. I didn’t have an on or off button when I felt my emotions escalate. It went from 1 to 100 pretty fast. I remember having arguments with my friends at school over petty things but for me it felt 100 times bigger and serious. As years went on I became more outspoken and emotional, especially when I was in sixth form and later years. My friends saw me change into a completely different person. I have been told I am too sensitive and that I overthink and analysis everything. I have an obsession with time. I always had to be early. I remember arriving at school for 7 oclock in the morning and lessons would never start until 9 oclock.

I was desperate for peoples attention. I never wanted to be left alone. I would get too emotionally attached. I couldn’t stay in 1 job longer than 1 month. I always found an excuse to leave. Some jobs I wouldn’t even turn up. I was so confused. I had no idea why I was like that. I didn’t know whether I was just lazy or whether there was something else that was stopping me from working. I would say from January 2015- August 2020 was the most heart wrenching time of my life.

Since I have been diagnosed with BPD also known as Emotionally unstable personality disorder,, anxiety, stress and depression I have decided to education myself on the matter. Even my friends and family would educate themselves so they knew what to do in that situation. Helpful websites were Mind and the NHS website. Telling my friends and family was the most difficult thing but they already knew something didn’t seem right. I am so glad I am open about this disorder. It feels like there is another person inside my head. I call her Betty. I try and make light of the situation. I am currently receiving intense psychotherapy to address my suicidal thoughts and problems. I have also been prescribed Chlorpromazine which is an anti psychotic drug that sedates the imbalance of emotions. If you are suffering please don’t be afraid to speak up. Once you get the help the better. Since being diagnosed I have really been able to focus on getting to know myself better. Today, I still have bad days where my emotions are all over the place and I still have suicidal thoughts almost on an everyday basis. However, small steps is all it takes to get the right help. My loved ones have come to accept that this is who I am and are always there when I am having my down days. I have a very long way to go but hopefully I can live a happy and fulfilling life.

Read next: Are You Okay?
See all posts by Aliexanne

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