Psyche logo

Middle School

by Roxy Wolf 4 months ago in trauma
Report Story

TW: Sexual Assault

There is no easy way to start this or to even be able to talk about some of the missing pieces. The gaps in memory. I've lost a lot of time over the years. Moments and memories that caused so many issues that my brain decided it would be better if we just repressed them. In Elementary school I only remember the name of my fourth grade teacher but that year is completely lost. I don't remember any of it.

School is supposed to be a safe place but as we know now it isn't. Most of my early childhood trauma happened in schools or around them. There was a playground across from my middle school - I was a troubled kid. I skipped class, I'd smoke weed with people I thought were friends at the park and get in fights.

There was one particular day that I didn't head back into school with the people I'd gone to the park with and I spent a lot of time after wishing that I had. Wishing that as much as I didn't want to be in those classrooms that I'd just gone because what was in there was better than what was waiting out at that park.

I remember that there was an older group of kids smoking cigarettes by the covered picnic area and I thought why the hell not. I went over to them and bummed a cigarette. You know those gut instincts that tell you something isn't right. That you shouldn't be there. That you should leave. I had so many alarm bells ringing in my head. They were loud and constant but I didn't listen. I went towards danger instead of running away from it.

I remember most of the group dispersing. Laughing uncomfortably at what this guy said. He said I was beautiful and wanted to get to know me. Even with the warning bells I stuck around. I was young and stupid.

I don't remember how it happened. I remember saying no. I remember trying to push him off. I remember being scared. I remember him smiling down at me as he zipped up his pants and him walking away. I remember lying there terrified. The pain. I was in a lot of pain.

I remember the voice in my head saying that I deserved it. I deserved what happened. I couldn't find my underwear when I finally moved to get dressed. I called myself a slut and hated myself for what I let happen.

I remember walking back into school and going straight to the bathroom. Fixing my hair, pulling it back into a pony tail. Walking into class late and being sent to the principals office. Getting in school suspension, and getting into trouble when I got home.

I remember taking a long bath and letting myself sink under the water. How much I wanted to die. I didn't tell anyone what happened. I just carried on the only way I knew how to and just added that incident to the list of secrets I held. The list of trauma I had experienced.

I know I had started to act out worse after that and I would say and do things that I didn't mean. I had so much anger inside of me and nowhere for it to go so it boiled and festered inside until I would lash out at someone else mostly my parents or when I would hurt myself. I hurt myself a lot.

I started looking for ways to not feel. Trying to seek anything that made me feel good or feel less. I tried to carry on like I was a normal child with no skeletons in my closet. I was 12.

trauma

About the author

Roxy Wolf

Hello! My pen-name for this is Roxy Wolf. Not using my real name due to personal reasons. One day that may change. This is part of my journey to healing & learning to use my voice. I hope this helps others know they're not alone.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2022 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.