Michele Hefner

Statistics say, according to records gathered in 2017, that roughly 284 million people suffer with anxiety throughout the world. That is an astounding number, however, as big as that is, I still think anxiety is a disorder that so many of us don't understand. In the midst of COVID19, I feel that that number has probably grown, but because its such a looked over disorder, I'm not sure that people truly understand the depth of this disorder and we tend to throw the word around as if it is no big deal; like its an insignificant, momentary thing. And for a lot of us, maybe it is, but for millions out there, anxiety is a real disorder that affects people both mentally and physically. Today, we get a one on one, personal story from Michele Hefner about her experience of living daily, moment to moment, with anxiety and how it has impacted her life, her relationships, as well as the physical ramifications she faces of what so many people brush off.

Question: What is anxiety?

Michele: Anxiety for me is both mental and physical. Mental anxiety is easier for me to cope with as it’s something that I live with basically every minute of every day. My mind is constantly going and I’m always worrying about the “what if’s” in life. It seems as though I am always going over situations and interactions with the people in my life, second guessing myself, my actions; often wondering if there was anything that I could have done differently to contribute to a better outcome. The mental anxiety is me rewriting a text or a comment multiple times because I don't want what i said to be misconstrued and I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone or to look foolish. It’s me not wanting to take a phone call because I don’t have the opportunity to edit my thoughts before putting them out there. The physical symptoms of anxiety, especially when a full blown panic attack occurs is much harder to cope with. Physical anxiety could be something as mild as uneasy stomach, tense shoulders/neck, tingling in my arms and sometimes scalp. To more severe symptoms such as shortness of breath, blurred vision, chest pains and an intense feeling of overall doom. The physical characteristics of anxiety take a long time to accept as anxiety/panic, you truly feel like you are dying.

Question: How old were you when you remember experiencing anxiety for the first time and what was the situation you were in?

Michele: The first time that I was diagnosed with having a panic attack I had just turned 17 years old. I had spent all night partying with my friends and then boyfriend, I was young and although had an extremely loving family was in a very rebellious phase. We had drank a lot of alcohol, smoked marijuana and dropped LSD. We were sitting in the living room listening to music and I suddenly felt like I had a heart attack or at least something was happening to my heart. Being totally honest, and as ridiculous as it sounds, at the time I felt like my heart exploded, although clearly even in my altered state of mind knew that wasn’t possible. After hours of completely freaking out to the point of hysteria and feeling absolutely certain that I was going to die, I ended up at the ER. At the ER I was treated for tachycardia, monitored for a few hours and then sent home with a diagnosis of having a panic attack. Looking back, this was not my first panic attack, it was just the first time that it was so out of control, due to the added drugs and alcohol, I’m sure. I remember being probably 6, maybe 7 years old sitting in my bedroom playing and just having the sudden feeling like everything around me was speeding up and feeling very strange and scared. This feeling wasn’t an isolated incident and I now know I actually was suffering from panic at that very young age as well.

Question: How has dealing with anxiety interfered with daily life?

Michele: I feel as though anxiety has affected my life because it does limit what I am willing to do. Up until about year ago I refused to step outside of my comfort zone. I still may wake up with the very best intentions however if I feel overly stimulated may not even end up leaving my house that day even if I really need to get things done.

Question: How has anxiety interfered with relationships with family, friends, your spouse, etc?

Michele: I will say that I extremely blessed with genuine people in my life who accept me for who I am and although they may not understand they don’t fault me for my illness or the limitations that come with it. My family is amazing and supportive and loving, they always have been. I have a very small circle, it’s difficult for me to make friends because I generally will keep to myself and I feel like I can come across as being a bit awkward, in person in a social setting. It usually takes a long time for someone to get to know me and for me to show them my goofy, dorky, emotional, true self. Because I overthink every detail, I am not quick to let someone in my circle. Although I care about almost everyone I meet, on some level, it takes a lot for me to truly love someone. This goes for romantically as well as platonically. As someone with severe anxiety and being the queen of overthinking, I’ve already analyzed a relationship to death before I allow myself to love. So once I do love someone, they are usually stuck with me and I will always love them unconditionally and because I overthink every action and reaction I also will always question if I am loved in return. Loving me isn’t always easy, ask the most important people in my life as they can attest to that. Sometimes they have go above and beyond to talk me into just stepping outside my comfort zone and they chose to be understanding when I pull away and go into what we all refer to as “hermit mode”. It’s honestly kind of sad to want to be such a social and outgoing person but to not be able to because of my anxiety.

Question: Do you or have you ever been put on medication to deal with anxiety? If so, how did that make you feel?

Michele: Yes, I was medicated for the first time at age 17. I was actually on medicine for anxiety and depression. It was awful! It exaggerated my anxiety because quite honestly I was at my worst at that time in my life and my mind was foggy and although in charge of how my body reacted to anything and everything not doing very good job of keeping it all together. I took myself off both of those medications rather quickly only to find myself trying out other medications off and on until I found something that worked for me. There have been many times over my years that I would ween myself off of my medications only to find myself worse off and starting over. I haven’t been on any medications for years, probably 9. I did get a prescription filled a couple of years ago for Lexapro, however decided to power through it and not take the medication. I’m pretty good at coping these days, well in comparison to how I once was .

"Anxiety for me is both mental and physical."- Michele Hefner

Question: How do you handle your anxiety?

Michele: In the beginning I didn’t handle my anxiety very well at all. I wasn’t well equipped but honestly even after being educated and given coping mechanisms I still found myself running to the ER because I was certain that I was dying. Over the years I have embraced that what I am experiencing is in fact very real however not life threatening and IS in-fact anxiety/panic. Now when I feel an attack coming on I generally am able to remove myself from the situation. I’ll go to a more quiet relaxed environment and do something to distract my mind. If I’m not able to immediately remove myself from the situation I will focus on the tangible items in the room, maybe even pop a mint in my mouth or a piece of gum to bring my senses back into reality. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it does not.

Question: If you didn't suffer with extreme anxiety, how do you think your life would be different?

Michele: I think that I would be more outgoing, more adventurous. I’d have more of a “yolo” attitude lol.

Question: Does anyone else in your family deal with anxiety?

Michele: Unfortunately yes. My maternal grandfather suffered from severe anxiety. I’m not sure if he ever had panic attacks per say however but he absolutely worried about everything, always. He had a huge heart and loved deeply and I feel as though his anxiety stemmed from genuine worry about his family. So his anxiety although severe did differ from mine since mine can occur for no reason and go from 0 to a full blown panic attack in a a matter of seconds. I have other family members on my mother’s side that have struggled off and on with anxiety, even panic disorder, like me.

Question: How has anxiety affected your job?

Michele: Believe it or not, I have been able to keep my anxiety in check for the most part when it relates to my professional life. Sure, there are times I would have to “hide” in the bathroom, wash my face and talk myself down from a panic attack but at work I know what's expected of me and I am confident that I am more than capable of delivering so the mental anxiety isn’t as prevalent. Just like with my daughter, I am able to do what I need to do for her and her career because again I know what the expectations are and it’s on a professional level. I will say that in one way it’s affected my career choice is if I didn’t have anxiety specifically panic attacks I may have put myself in a more public profession. Instead my work has primarily always been done at the comfort of my computer screen and on the phone where my body language couldn’t be read.

Question: What is the biggest anxiety trigger for you?

Michele: That is the thing about panic disorder/anxiety, there truly doesn’t have to be a trigger. Well at least not a conscious one. I can be sitting on the couch, happy and relaxed and BOOM! When I do notice a trigger often it is just an exciting situation, a lot of visual or audio stimulation. Honestly, it can even be difficult to distinguish between excitement and anxiety. So I often have to evaluate the situation so that I can recognize that I’m just excited so that my brain communicates properly with my body, if that makes sense.

Question: What advice do you have for anyone who is suffering from anxiety?

Michele: This is challenging. I guess I would stress how important it is to find whatever coping mechanism(s) works best for you and once you do make sure to implement it/them. Whether it’s coloring, deep breathing/meditation, exercising, sitting in front of a fan, or just talking yourself down. Remember although panic attacks start as mental, they do cause very real physical symptoms. What you feel is real! Also people who have not experienced a panic attack or severe anxiety don’t understand. It’s not that they don’t want to though. So communicate with them, be honest and help them understand how they can help you during an episode, even if it’s by doing nothing but giving you your space.

"That is the thing about panic disorder/anxiety, there truly doesn’t have to be a trigger." - Michele Hefner