Mentally Ill, Sexually Well
How to have a healthy relationship and sex life,while living with a mood or personality disorder. It's possible!
Over the years, I've had many negative emotions and experiences regarding sex. Here's a few ways I overcame those obstacles and created a healthier outlook on sex and relationships.
A Negative Beginning
Being a virgin at the age of 15, and having an 18 year old boyfriend who cheated repeatedly, can give you a negative outlook on sex and love at a young age. While the age of consent in 16 in 32 states here in America, sometimes we are not mentally and physically equipped for the responsibility of a sexual relationship. If you were someone who started having sex at a young age, you must recognize that living a life with regret is harmful to your mental health! You can't change your actions of behaviors from the past but, you can learn from them and move forward from there.
Sexual Aggression and Abuse
An overly aggressive, slightly older football player in high school, distorted my perception of what sex should be like. It shouldn't make you feel embarrassed or dirty. It should never make you feel disrespected or afraid. I didn't realize what sexual assault was until I was in my 20's. By then, I had been assaulted more than once. I thought all men were rough or down right violent, for a very large portion of my life. It didn't feel right when my partner was loving or gentle. A lot of the time, it made me feel guilty when someone was kind to me. Those actions were foreign to me, difficult to accept. Kindness was painful to me.
Self Sabotaging Everything Good That Came Along
Good guys tend to feel like they "always finish last" because of the actions of boys and men that were abusive to ladies during vulnerable times. We start to believe that the abuse is what we deserve and, when a nice guy comes along, we don't feel worthy of the positive attention. It may be even deeper than this; It may go back even farther into your past trauma. We will stay that way our entire lives unless we take control of our feelings again.
You can't let someone else control your feelings.
If you lose control of your feelings, you'll lose control of your actions and it's just all down hill from there. Realize you are worthy of whatever it is that you want, regardless of your past. There comes a time when we must accept responsibility (not for the behavior we have been victim to) for our behaviors. We can't go through life punishing everyone new for the abuse we've endured by others. Although you may not be aware that you are doing this at the time, it is abusive to your new partner. The sooner you are aware, the sooner you should hold yourself accountable for your behavior. Change it! Do whatever it takes whether it's counseling, self-reflection, reading books or a support group. Once you are aware, there is no excuse. I may sound harsh but it's out of love, experience and care for my fellow humans!
My First Step Forward
Forgiveness! Forgive yourself for whatever has happened in your past. Allow yourself to be human. Forgive your past mistakes and poor judgement. Forgive yourself for feeling vulnerable because it's part of being human. It is human of us to want to see the good in people, even when they are unkind to us. What is NOT forgivable is, how at some point, someone took advantage of that vulnerability. Whether you were drunk, high, depressed, manic, lonely, or just really trusted someone, taking advantage of someone is never OK. And, it's not your fault.
Be Insightful (And Stop Doubting Yourself)
Intuitive understanding of one's self. You can't begin to heal if you don't acknowledge that you are not well (due to trauma) and make poor decisions. I say this from personal experience. The sooner you start paying attention to your behaviors, and the way you interact with other people, the quicker you will learn how to be in a healthy relationship.
"Sex is Emotion, IN Motion" -Mae West
Slow Down
Think before you act. Work on your insight. How you feel after, is just as important as how you feel before and during. Learn to trust your instincts. Many times we had an instinct that something wasn't right. before it happened, and we ignored it. Stop not trusting yourself. Give yourself some credit!
An Abnormally High Sex Drive
Part of my particular problem is that my sex drive is through the roof. I live with Bipolar Disorder II with hypo mania. People with this disorder tend to be (but not everyone) impulsive, especially when it comes to sex, during times of mania. If you're having difficulties associating sex with intimacy and emotion, that is something you definitely need to work on.
I'm not saying that casual sex is not OK! If that is truly what you want, and you are making clear, conscious and healthy decisions, there is nothing wrong with casual hook-ups. But please, don't feel regret for your choice! If you're not hurting anyone, including yourself, enjoy your life! I fully support this!
Infidelity is never acceptable. If you are in a relationship with someone, or maybe your partner is, and it's not with each other, it's not OK (open relationships are different!). If your sex drive is out of control, you need to spend more time figuring out what exactly your needs are, they may actually not be sexual at all. Sometimes when we are craving non-sexual attention or we feel lonely, we will look for something sexual to satisfy that need. Pay attention to why you are feeling the way you feel. If you're feeling overly aroused all the time, and your sex drive comes and goes in extremes, it might be something medical or mental. Check into it just to be safe.
Trust- Wait For It!
I've had relationships where my past sexual experience has created distrust and insecurity in my partner. It is important to establish trust and security in a relationship, before you become sexually intimate. You must also trust your partner. Do not give yourself sexually to someone who does not respect you emotionally (even if it's casual. Especially if it's casual). They must accept and understand your illness and be patient with you. Your mental health is as important as your sexual health.
A Happy Life...
It is possible! You can have a healthy sex life, without dysfunction and with love and respect. It just takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself. You're worth it!
If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to tip me! Funding from my articles helps support my education in Psychology and Sociology!
About the Creator
Dulcy Warfield
Northwest Arizona. Mental Health. Social Issues.
Domestic Violence Survivor.
Future Sociologist & Sex Educator.
https://www.instagram.com/itsa_me_dulcy/
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