Mentality is everything

Well how do I begin this.. Let me start by saying I suffer from Skitzofrenia. I’m also a addict I’m now medicated but when I wasn’t let me tell you about just a little bit of the craziness I experienced mentally...

First off My mind has this odd belief that people can actually communicate threw there mind somehow! And that for some even odder reason my mind is open to the public and everyone can here everything that goes threw my mind to an excessive extent and on top of that I get stuck in psychosis states of mind... while I was in them I went to many states of minds mostly scary ones. A lot of them were about my kids.... I think it was my minds way of saying your biggest fear is not knowing and seeing your kids are fine with your own eyes! In the very beginning it started like like a game show and what was on the radio peoples conversation and the things in my head blended together to make this game show a reality and the game was my death. So I was constantly in some illusion a story line rather that I full heartedly believed was happening ranging from one had me drive all the way out to the mountains and as I sit there in total darkness this evil sexually explicit community was out there in this particular spot in the mountain and it’s head person wanted me to go to that spot and of course I didn’t want to go but it sent me threats of what would happen to my family and my kids threw that mind communication I was talking about so I sat and contemplated what to do I hung shirts and blankets on the inside of my car so I couldn’t see anything around me or that place in the mountains... my thoughts flooded with tormenting all of a sudden my in my head I could here the voices of my family members and they were telling me all kinds of messed up things and telling me go to the mountain we wanna see you go! They started breaking me down with saying I was worthless I could here my mom say I don’t love you Taylor and I don’t want you to get threw this and my sister would be laughing saying who does love her and some how my grandpa had final say so and as he was telling me to put on an all black outfit all of a sudden I thought my car was moving and the big man was moving my car to the mountain and to me my car was actually moving.. I was crying and my family kept tormenting me my grandpa said all’s they want to do is baptize you in the special pool of clarity and teach you your new life... finally I tore every thing down in my car stared at the mountain and screamed I hate you to my grandpa I felt what felt like a warm hand grabbing my leg and I thought for sure I was having a heart attack it was starting to be dark and I thought well if I go now I’ll be sure to die before I get there and that will be better I would have died first because normal mind or crazy mind I am terrified of the dark and I know it triggers my psychosis at night time my car rolled forward a little more and I opened my door.... just as I did some guy drowned inn to the path I was on and parked like 30 feet away from me. He looked at me for a good minute but some how instead of being scared of him it made me feel a sense of ease... then another car drove in it was woman she didn’t park much further she made me feel a lil off but I looked back over at the man and he gave me a little smile which to me made me feel better! I thought this is god telling me to get out of here and I could here my ex laugh and say you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do just remember that.... I looked around and now it was almost completely dark and other creepy thoughts started to flood my mind now being that these people were going to come out of the mountains with giant Mexican wolves and they were going to lather me in the smell of meat and let them attack me and then burn the remains my eyes started pouring tears again and I look over because the man started his car he drove in front of my car and stopped and looked at me I then came to the reality that he didn’t want me out there idk what made him go out there to begin with but I seriously believe some how he was there looking out for me so i started my car and drove out of there he drove behind me for like 2 miles after we got on normal roads! Then disappeared I could here my mom say you idiot you don’t care what I want! And I cried and cried sitting on the side of the road now contemplating if I even wanted to live hearing the voice of my mom say well Taylor you mine as well kill yourself..... something told me to drive back to the mountain but then something else told me that my semi new boyfriend was was wondering where I was this was a guy I was crazy about and who I also new worried about me a lot... so once I thought that off I went to go find him he told me never to do that again and blah blah I never told him what was going on to me in one sense because I was scared it was real and I didn’t want to be and in another sense because I knew I was completely crazy and he’d lock me away in a psych ward. Threw out the 3 years I thought like this there were many different fears the cartel my ex my mom this guy from a bad experience that links to all my psychosis who I whole heartedly believe put a chip in me and the worst my step dad that raised me .... since my kids were at home with him and my mom I had several terrible delusions about there safety the last one actually did send me to the mental hospital for a little while this one was the most horrible ... so me and my boyfriend went to go stay in this field behind McDonalds in the tree line with another couple that was staying there... on the way there in my mind me and my dad weren’t on good terms apparently in my head I said that he was tormenting my mom and making her miserable and stuff and he got angry because my minds open and everything was heard by everybody on the way there I passed another field with a tree line and he threatened that if I stayed there he would kill me mind you this is all in mind communication and he told me the things he’d do to make me suffer and I shit talked him back and I was actually having visuals of him now I don’t know how ones mind can do this but it can and then I seen him in a visual holding my son by his foot and dunking his head in the pool for a long minute and my mom standing at the window inside watching him... he was threatening me that he’d kill him! That night when we got there he’d threatened that if I used while I was down there he plaster the camp ground with the images of him brutally killing my babies I’d been clean for three days... well all night long I was absorbed in my fear for my kids and ignored everything he said quick then made me wanna smoke so I thought if I take 2 hits it won’t do anything and he wouldn’t know... so I did. And right then a seen a partial kinda blurry image and I seen blood but I couldn’t tell who or what really it was and that was the first warning now this is the beginning of a month long delusion... every night it got worse and worse and my mom wouldn’t let me talk to or see my kids so at times I wasn’t sure if they were alive.... sometimes with images I’d see in my head and the things and voices and events in my head I truly thought there’s no way they’re here but somehow I could still feel them some moments tho I was so lost going over why the hell this would be playing threw my mind and keep going on and on or at all if it wasn’t real in my mind communication when I would be out and public random people would be talking about it and asking me wouldn’t you know if they were alive and saying there not sure if they’re alive .... in my mind the voices and responses of these people were sincere accurate and sometimes I could in my mind even identify who they were coming from and to me there reactions on there face would go along perfectly with what they were saying in my head! I started lying to myself about them being gone my brain went so far to keep them alive that when I remembered mine and my kids elements zodiac stuff which is me air my oldest son water and my youngest son earth I made this next delusion that they would come back as long as all three of us didn’t die at the same time I had delusions about the resurrection and had this belief that we were the worlds elements needed for the world to keep going and when finally something in my mind was killing me that night I focused on the world ending because I thought I’d I did the world would really end because I wanted it too if everyone really heard all the stuff going on in my head and didn’t do anything to save my children or me I wanted everyone to feel pain 2 innocent little boys these delusions went on and on till I was literally pulling my hair I’d be in some delusion that they were there with me and I walked down the street with my hands out as if I were holding their hands and as I walked I sat there and talked to them laughing and happy and when I sat down and looked around and noticed there were other people in the world except me and my boys I realized also that my boys weren’t there.... I think these delusions were so evil that the next thing I started thinking was a given it was the devils energy being down at my camp site and it was crazy it pushed me down at one point and I actually fell back it had its finger on my chest and I lost my breath in real life ! I was laying down my boyfriend asleep another night in my tent when it attacked my tent pushing it back and fourth scratching the sides making and marks in the tent if I had a full day to type I’d tell you everything the specifics the details the timeline all the delusions and how they plaid into one however this one ended with me somehow getting a visit approved threw dcs and when I saw my kids I thought they were just resurrected I acted normal around them but to me there eyes still looked bruised and there was a continuance of this delusion going on in my head and I played then spaced out listening to it played with them again spaced out lots of hugs they then the visitor person said she was guna end the visit cuz when I’d space out they’d be calling my name and to me she was guna go put the in some kind of coma so I said let’s go to the boys and we ran and I got tackled and they got drugged away from me .... they didn’t press charges so the cops let me go but even tho my mom didn’t know what was in my head she filed a petition to get me in the psych ward and I stayed for 3 weeks got on meds and stuff and now a year later I can almost think completely normal but things trigger minor episodes and mostly just certain fears...... I’m left with this emptiness and this over whelming emotions from having believed all this stuff not a day goes by that I don’t miss my babies.