Mental Health

I have depression. I have anxiety. I sometimes want to just lay in bed all day, feel nothing, and not talk to anyone. However, my depression might be different from yours, or from the person walking by us on the street. It does not make any of our experiences less valid.

I remember when depression first got brought up for me. I was 15 and extremely anemic. I remember the doctor asking me if I was depressed and that was why I was sleeping all of the time. I told the doctor “No I’m not depressed I’m just tired!” Looking back now I was probably depressed as well as being extremely anemic.

When I was 15 I thought depression had to be me being extremely sad all the time, wanting to be in bed all day, not even wanting to get up to shower. That’s not what my depression is. My depression is irritability, isolation, mood swings, neutrality, numbness. My depression can consist of me being in bed for an entire day but that’s not always the case. I finally got diagnosed with depression a few years ago while I was in a treatment facility for my eating disorder.

I know when some people get diagnosed with something they feel that the diagnosis defines them and they don’t want to be labeled. I see it differently. I see the diagnosis as a lightbulb of some sort. I could then understand why I was feeling the way I was. Why I would get irritated over the smallest thing. My depression does not define me. I don’t love having it but I feel it makes me who I am, it makes me human.

My deepest depression came after my grandma passed. Her and I were extremely close. She was such a big light in my life. At this time I was also struggling a lot with back pain from a bulging disc. When her light went out I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to handle it. Instead of trying to process my emotions and work through them in a constructive way, I pushed everyone away and drank far too much wine. I still went to work, still got my schoolwork done but I was in the darkest place I had ever been. I couldn’t really do much for myself because it hurt to move. I felt as though all I could do was lay in bed, cry, and drink.

This might sound silly but I started seeing light again when I was able to start exercising. I had recovered from my surgery to get my spinal implant. I was able to walk, run, lift (carefully), and do what I wanted. The first time I went on a run I smiled my first genuine smile in months. I felt like I was finally getting back to myself. Getting back to Emily.

The smallest thing can make the biggest difference when you’re in a dark place. A song that gives you hope, a vacation with a friend or a loved one, a run. If you’re in your darkest place give yourself some credit when you do things that are hard. Even if it is taking a shower, or changing out of pajamas. Acknowledging smallest victories leads to happiness.