Mental Breakdown

Being bipolar sucks. Seriously. If you have been diagnosed with this disorder you have life 10000 times harder than everyone else. At least that's how I feel. It's like a never ending tsunami inside my mind. I can never truly focus on one thing, I'm constantly changing subjects and always on alert when I'm around other people because I feel like they are all conspiring against me. I have no idea why and no recollection of when it exactly started but I'm only 19.

Have you ever heard of that expression "you are a product of your environment"? Well, when I was little I was told by a close relative: you cannot control where you came from or the circumstances you were brought up in. And she was right. I was passed around from house to house when I was younger. I never had anywhere very stable. My mom was addicted to drugs and my father was too busy chasing after women to bother to check up on me, visit me, or even answer the phone. Being a little girl and feeling abandoned is where I think it is all rooted. Although I had so many other people who cared for me like I was their own, that still wasn't enough. As I grew older and started high school and I was starting to branch out and try new things, I got involved with boys, drinking, and smoking weed and I stopped going to church and started using sex and drugs to numb my pain because it felt good in that moment.

I thought I was fine living my life that way until I went to my first mental hospital. I remember just being so done with everything and not caring about anything I was ready to kill myself. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted peace. But I got help and I was okay for awhile... Until my second year of high school, when a very close relative molested me and he had been accused of this same very thing by two other females in my family. It was all very strange the way my family handled it. I feel like I shouldn't have said anything. But while I was in the hospital, I was questioned by a CPS lady and it just slipped out. It was, of course, bothering me and it ultimately sent me back into another downward spiral. My family wanted me to forget about it and keep it under wraps in fear of him getting deported. That was not my concern. My concern at that point was how can my family harbor a person like that, someone who has harmed multiple people? I just couldn't understand it.

That's when I cut off my family. I cut off that whole side because I wanted nothing to do with them. After going from back and forth from my Nana's to my dad's to my mom's to my grandma's to my other aunt's, school was getting harder and harder. I stopped caring about how I looked when I went to class I went everyday in pajamas. I started missing school and then altogether stopped going. I had given up.

I met an amazing man throughout all this and we've been together a year and some change. And he has been nothing but wonderful to me. He, unlike all the others, took the time to understand me and analyze my patterns. Don't get me wrong, he's not a pro yet but he deserves a gold medal because it takes a very strong person to hold all my baggage. I pray all the time how thankful I am to have someone be my rock. God couldn't have sent him sooner because I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have someone to hold me at night after I just cried myself to sleep. I've been going through it these past few months... I got to a place that was so dark and lonely I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it out. But I had an amazing experience that changed my outlook and my mindset. I feel as if the lord had taken my pain and said I can do this. I believe there truly is someone out there watching over us someone that cares. If you are down, I encourage you to find something to believe in. If not god, find something, something to make life worth it. I love you all and I hope if you're reading this you didn't get lost in my jumbled story. My mind is always going 100 mph. It's hard to put it down in text.