Me, Myself, & I

I’ve always suffered from mental health, but it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, aka “bpd” that a huge part of me felt a weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt as if I could breathe. It was as if I had just been given an answer to so many unanswered questions about myself. Many people don’t understand the daily battle I have with myself, and I don’t expect them to either. It’s sort of like my brain and my heart going to war against each other. I want to love and trust everyone because that’s what my heart wants, but my brain won’t let me forget all the pain and hurt I’ve endured throughout my life. I want to believe that everyone means well, but my walls are too high for me to even begin to break them down. I see the good in everything and every person, but I know there is darkness and evil hidden in the shadows. My ability to create and keep relationships with those in my everyday world is a struggle because I know that eventually, they’ll leave too. I either push you away so you don’t get close to me, or I won’t let you in at all, eliminating any opportunity for me to get hurt. I keep my emotions guarded and show very little of the true me so I can keep myself safe. If I do happen to let you in close to me, I become very attached so I won’t lose you. If I keep you at an arms length away, you won’t get the chance to break my walls and see me vulnerable. It’s all or nothing, I don’t sit on the fence when it comes to my feelings. I can be extremely distant and closed off, or I can be social and outgoing. Some days I know I’m a beautiful girl with an even more precious soul. Other days, I look at my mistakes and believe I am the devil himself. Sometimes I’m great at budgeting and managing my life, other times I spend recklessly and act impulsively. One day I’ll believe I deserve the best in life, and I’ll manifest my dreams to the fullest. Other days, I don’t see my purpose and I’ll self destruct. It’s hard living not knowing one day to the next if I’ll reach for the stars, or be my own downfall. Borderline personality disorder has caused me it’s own trauma, while allowing me to grow in ways I never imagined possible. If you personally are diagnosed with “bpd”, I want you to know that I fully understand the roller coaster of emotions and feelings you’re experiencing every single day. The breakdowns you’ll have because you’re hard on yourself. The lack of motivation to live your best life, the random bursts of energy to push yourself through your comfort zones. Never forget it’s okay not to be okay on your dark days, and the good days will feel like you’ve won a million bucks. As long as you’re trying, you’re doing something right. Even if you’re not proud of yourself, I’m proud of you.