Me, a Big F*ck Up, and Another Chance

It's been over a year since I publicly humiliated myself on social media, unbeknownst to myself at the time. - over a year since I quite literally lost my mind. And by the time I knew what was going on all around me it was a little too late to salvage my identity. I ended up losing a lot more than myself - an in-studio internship I had been working hard nearly every day for - I mean I was just starting to get paid for my time and efforts, something I couldn't have even dreamed of. I completely failed my last semester in college, a semester away from graduating and this is where I happened to drop the ball. And what's even worse is everyone was there to see it, to judge me, to pretend that they cared just to get close footage of the wreckage and even though it was more than a year ago its something that plagues my mind till this day. I mean I lost all of my hair, beautiful thick flowing locs that just started to really drop beyond my shoulders - something I never had the luxury of enjoying as a young woman - robbed at the height of a psychedelic high.

I wish I had a friend to tell me I was doing too much at the time, but it seemed it was only after the storm that people seemed to care and honestly there really wasn't much of that. Not at all compared to the amount of people that witnessed it all. No longer a top contender I did the only thing I could do - retreat into solitude and hope for better days. I spent so much time alone crying and crying and crying and dying on the inside. I had even thought I had died at one point and it didn't feel all that great. I had gone through so many unforeseen tragedies all one after the other as if I had this enormous debt to pay - and for what? I still do not know.

So I returned back to sender, alone in my familiar depression in the comforts of a home that was not my own. Back to homelessness, back to neglecting myself - back to a bad smoking habit though it was the last thing I needed - it was the only part of myself I felt I still had to help me forget about everything else. No one's ever asked the details of all these events though I really want to say it - maybe its too painful to listen to, maybe I've already revealed too much and maybe it's just nobody's business but to me it just feels unsung. I want people to know that I would never intentionally do this to myself, that in the midst of it all I was so in the dark. I am happy about one thing, I didn't actually die. But everything else is still in grieving. I wish I had someone I needed then. I had people around, but that's not the same. I ran people away with one big mistake and I'm stuck to make believe it was for the best.

The things that could've been are no more. My head wasn't on straight and to me there's no going back. No more trying to forge a path that has clearly rejected me. I'm meant to find my own way. I'm meant to be bigger than this, to be bigger than what anyone could make of me and my errors. To be bigger than the loneliness and the heartache and the pain I tried so hard to make invisible. I tried to call out for help as best as I could. No one came to save me. So I've been trying to save myself. No guidance, no guide, no nothing. Just me, a big fuck up and another chance.