Make Friends With Your Demons

I have always struggled with mental health issues, especially with depression and anxiety. Most of the time I’m an extremely bubbly and positive person. I thrive on positive energy, I’m full of ambition and motivation and love to uplift people. However from time to time, depression creeps up on me and I fall into a vicious cycle of negative thought, mixed with anxiety and hopelessness. I’ve always imagined depression to be this dark demon that embodies you, crawls deep inside of you, lays his nest in the core of your chest and refuses to leave once he feels your warmth.

He dictates what you eat, how many times a day you eat, how much you drink or how little you drink. He whispers thoughts into your ear that you can’t seem to ignore and makes sure you push away the people you love most, so you’re left alone just for himself. He sucks up all your energy that you feel so drained you feel it is impossible for you to get out of bed. You are his puppet and he is pulling on your strings.

I’ve been on anti depressants on and off and they have helped me get back on track to my normal self. They slowly dissolve the demon that’s sitting inside of me and I’m back to my bubbly and content self; however, I believe the solution is only short term.

Some time passes, you feel good and confident but suddenly something happens and you subconsciously get triggered by an event or something someone said. You suppress it and continue with your life but your demon rubs his hands together, counting down the days he can re-enter your warm body and relay his nest. “I’m back baby!” He screams in your ear. And so he is and so are you. You’re back to feeling shit and feeling sorry for yourself. Back to a vicious cycle of crazy thoughts and not believing in yourself. To self doubt and self loathe. Back to sabotaging everything good in your life and hurting the people you love most.

For a long time, I would run away from addressing the reason behind why I feel this way. “It’s too long” I would tell myself. “This is so tiring, I don’t have time for that” - I would think to myself. I wouldn’t address and explore the situation properly because I would hide behind prescription drugs - which don’t get me wrong, help immensely but they don’t fix the problem. In order to fix a problem, you need to understand it first.

I was tired of this bullshit.

I decided to take some time to explore my demons, where they were coming from and why they came to me in the first place. I read a lot about the functions of the brain, neuroscience and mental health and started slowly educating myself on these topics. I also went back to my childhood memories, to my traumas and to the story I tell myself.

The more in depth I went, the more in control I felt. Without any stigma, I talked openly about the issues I faced and how I feel when I’m depressed - to my close ones and sometimes even to strangers. It was so liberating to realise I’m not alone, crazy nor pathetic.

I decided it was time to make friends with my demon. I once read that in Japanese mythology, the Oni demon is a protector of evil.

The origin of the name is interesting because it is said that the word Oni derives from the word On, meaning “to hide or conceal”. The folklore demons were known to hide behind things and did not wish to be exposed, which I felt was relevant to the feeling of your own demons creeping up on you.

The Oni is an extremely powerful creature that brings negative emotions to the surface.

I thought to myself, if I make friends with this demon, was it possible that he protects me from other demons? If I make friends with him, will he stand guard and make sure no negative demons enter my mind and start controlling me? What better way to embrace and celebrate my own demon than by getting a tattoo of him on my lower chest? It was a token of appreciation, a token of peace and my symbol of freedom.

Make friends with my demon; acknowledge him, understand him and most importantly know how to politely tell him to leave.

My tattoo is a reminder to myself that I am in control and how important it is to explore and acknowledge any negativity you hold inside of you. Instead of suppressing it and letting it take hold of you, embrace it, understand it and then work with it.

If you can’t beat them, join them.