"Love Yourself a Little More Today"

I’m a “seasons” kind of girl. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter- I love them all for their own reasons. But to be completely honest, my absolute favorite season… is wedding season.

Ever since I was young I have loved every thing about weddings. The flowers, the dresses, the music, the suits, the vows, the hustle & bustle of it all… everything. There’s nothing I love more than the look on a groom’s face when he first sees his bride, the pride in a father’s eyes as he walks her down the aisle, the emotion behind the mother/son dance… it’s a real-life fairytale and I am HERE for it.

This weekend, however, I let myself get the best of me. In between an absolutely beautiful ceremony and reception I happened to see a picture of myself that shattered me. I’m talking hard & fast downward spiral from being elated for the new bride & groom to flat out despising how I looked and wanting to lock myself in my bedroom until I “looked better”. Going back to the fairytale analogy; being locked in a tower for eternity sounded pretty freaking great in the moment.

I sat with the photo for a while, mentally berating myself over what I thought I saw. “How did I possibly let myself look like that?” “When did that happen?” “Their entire family looks gorgeous and there I am.” “The bridesmaids all looked beautiful I can’t be around them.” “What does he see in me?!”

Like I said, a bad, bad downward spiral. In the moment, I was my own worst enemy. I wanted to find a new dress (I didn’t have time). I wanted to re-do my hair and makeup, maybe that would help (it felt like nothing was going right with that). I willed my panic-induced headache to turn into a full blown migraine so I could just stay home with the dogs and hide.

As an average human being- I was putting myself in a corner/in a funk- but it would pass soon enough. As someone with body dysmorphia- I was breaking. As defined by Mayo Clinic Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.(1)* I wake up in the morning- jump on the scale, before I go to bed- I bet you can guess where I am. I have done juice cleanses, fad diets, exercise regimes, calorie counted ‘til I couldn’t count anymore. I get to points of absolutely loving how I look and then have moments like Saturday that completely knock me on my butt. I am positive to many people on the outside- in the moment it looks like I am fishing for compliments, that I am thriving off people telling me I’m wrong/I look fine/I’m not fat. But I can also assure you that in those moments when people are telling me these things- I look in the mirror (or in this case at that picture) and see a version of myself that doesn’t disagree with me. Which then brings me to a point where I am no longer battling with myself, but with the people around me that I hold so dear.

I am lucky/fortunate/however you want to put it that I have a boyfriend who is in my corner-especially when I need him the most. Who won’t let me lock myself away (no matter how hard I try), doesn’t buy into my “I don’t think I can go…” and is always there to assure me that I’m wrong (in that moment, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here… 😉 ) and that we are going to have fun doing whatever it is that we are supposed to do. This morning I came across a meme from the Truth Potato*- if you don’t follow it, you really should(because he is silly and adorable and if you're not going to take advice from your friends, take it from a potato)- that pulled me out of the funk that I didn’t even realize was still lingering. The meme simply said “Love yourself a little more today” and for a second, I got teary. I am the type of person who pours love into my friends’ and family’s cups constantly- so why do I skip my own? I hype my friends up anytime I see them out there looking gorgeous as heck (because they truly are all abso-freaking-lutely beautiful human beings) yet I was so quick to tell myself I am basically an ogre that needs to retreat to my swamp A.S.A.P.

Body Dysmorphia is HARD. It’s brutal. It’s mean. It’s damaging. It cuts deep & hard and makes you not want to love yourself. But here’s the thing, my friends, there’s only one person who has been there with you every step of the way- every road on your journey. You. You are your own pal, so start treating yourself like it. You wouldn’t say the things you say to yourself to any of your friends, would you?? I know I wouldn’t. So start putting that same love in yourself- because you ARE beautiful, you’re strong as hell, you’re rocking the heck out of that dress- and after a year and a half of living in sweatpants and oversized hoodies (thanks, COVID) you put on G.D. HEELS, baby!!

Get out there and love yourself a little extra today, tomorrow, and the next day. If for no other reason than the Truth Potato told you to- and you’ll feel better because of it.

1. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. (2019, October 29). Body dysmorphic disorder. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938#:~:text=Body%20dysmorphic%20disorder%20is%20a,may%20avoid%20many%20social%20situations.

* I've included the link to Mayo Clinic's Body Dysmorphic Disorder page here.

*You can find the Truth Potato on Facebook and Instagram.

- ec from cle