Love Shouldn't Hurt

I wrote this during a VERY dark time in my life. I was only 18. I was in my first serious relationship (or... what I thought was my first serious relationship anyways). I was young. I was stupid. I was a "recovering" self mutilator. I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to share this with the world, as it doesn't really send a positive message. It's about giving up, which at this point in my life was all I wanted to do. I'm not really sure why I keep anything from this time in my life. Maybe to remind myself that no matter what I'm facing now, I have come a very long way and though I still face some crazy things (who doesn't?) Absolutely nothing has compared to the darkness I was cloaked in at this time.

No matter what you face, please always remember that you are loved. You are amazing. You are perfect just the way you are and nothing is as bad as doing something permanent over some temporary pain. Things get better, I promise! I mean, I'm ACTUAL living proof that they do. I went from being a very damaged 18 year old who thought the world was nothing but a black hole of misery to an extraordinarily happy wife and mother of three. I have been through Hell and back. Through a broken home with divorced parents. Multiple step parents. Dysfunctional family issues. An abusive relationship. Self harm. An eating disorder. Cancer. We all have our issues, but I cannot stress this enough. The world is a better place with you in it. You are here for a reason and you are so so loved. Please, make good choices and don't ever give up!

So, without any more hesitation, here it is. My sad little poem that I call-

Love Note: copyright- 1-24-2006

Convinced that he was from above

She quickly thought that it was love

At first, she thought that he was great

She fell head first, She couldn't wait!

But time progressed, she felt neglected

The love they had became infected

He became distant, not even one call

She knew this couldn't be love after all

She'd call and he wouldn't answer his phone

With each passing day, She felt more alone

If he did come over, He wouldn't stay long

She knew her love for him was wrong

He stood up and tried to kiss her goodbye

She said, "Just leave, you don't have to lie."

He would fill up her head with some pathetic excuse

and her heart could no longer take the abuse

She said, "I wanna hear you love me"

"Tell me that there is no one above me"

"I want answers, please, don't lie."

"Can't you just tell me if it's goodbye?"

He looked at her and shook his head

He understood what she had said

Then he told her what he knew

He didn't know what else to do

She held back her tears. Her knees went weak

She couldn't find the words to speak

Loving him had been a big mistake

Life had become too much pressure to take

When he returned later that night

His eyes beheld a tragic sight

Blood on the walls. Blood on the door.

Blood on the mirror. She was dead on the floor.

In her hand, she clenched a blade

He knew how her wounds were made

She'd left a message on the mirror

He began to shake with fear

"You can't be faithful. You don't know how."

"Well, let's see you cheat on me now."

I can't count the nights I stayed up feeling like a hole had been ripped in my chest. This was someone who claimed they were going to save me from all of the abuse I had already faced. Someone who told me I was everything. Someone who groomed me into thinking I was absolute perfection in his eyes. All to have my world come shattering in around me at the delicate age of just 17. I had been with this clown since I was 14. He was much older than me and that really should have been my first red flag, but again.. I was young. I was stupid. The worst part of it is that I stayed for years after this happened. I stayed and I stayed and I stayed.

The abuse didn't start early on. In the beginning it was nothing but how beautiful and sweet and special I was. How I was a rare "desert flower" blooming in the Mojave desert. (I lived in Barstow at the time and he lived in Northern California.) The sweet nothings quickly became these twisted back handed insults. Things went from "You are so rare and beautiful" to things like, "Don't wear that shirt, my friends will stare. They look at you enough." My weight was targeted although he was way bigger than I was.. I was constantly told " You would look so much better if you lost weight" But also was told that I wasn't eating enough and that I was starving myself.

I didn't even know what to do anymore about half way through. I went through physical things such as being pushed onto a hard metal makeup box and bruising my back (he was "playing".. It was "an accident") to having my arm "accidentally" smashed in a door during a fight. Then on to more vile things like his drunk episodes where he rolled over on top of me and vomited all over me or the time I had to clean his urine off the wall because he was too drunk to realize he was in a bedroom and not in the bathroom.

But the physical abuse was nothing compared to the psychological warfare I faced. I was never good enough. Or I was too good at something and thought I was better than everyone. Every idea I had was bad unless it came out of someone else's mouth. I talked too much. I wore too much makeup. I dressed badly. I weighed too much. It was never ending. There was always something I shouldn't have said or could've done better.

It's been almost 11 years.. and I still have nightmares. I still replay things that were said in my head when I'm faced with a similar situation. I can't take compliments well and still feel like people are lying to me when they do compliment me on something. I have bad social anxiety. I always feel like someone is talking bad about me. I have become so paranoid. I'm working on it and so far, I've made some progress. I don't harm myself anymore. I am learning to say no to people and things that make me uncomfortable and recognize my own self worth.

I used to keep a password protected online journal where I posted certain things I went through. After I tried to leave, a family member of his found it and told him about it. The post he found though, wasn't even about something I had actually gone through. It was a post that talked about something else and he assumed it was about him. He called me telling me what a piece of trash I was for saying what I did and I remember feeling so scared that my personal thoughts had been invaded without my permission. At this point, I hadn't told anyone about anything that had gone on during the relationship. I was so afraid of failure and being told, "I told you so" from my family that I kept it all well hidden.

Anyways, when I realized what he had actually found, I was relieved. I don't know why I was so afraid.. maybe because I wasn't ready for my personal stories to be shared with the world yet. At that point, I felt like I had to ask permission. It took me years to learn that YOU are the owner of your own stories. If people don't want you to make them look like the villain, then maybe they shouldn't act like monsters.

I hope that if you are going through anything like this, you realize your worth before it's too late. No one deserves to be treated less than the masterpiece that they are. If you are around people that treat you in an abusive manner, please eliminate those people. It doesn't matter who they are. Family, friends, spouses, even your own kids. Being related doesn't allow them a free pass to abuse you. This is a lesson I am still learning. There's alot of demons I have floating around in my life, most of them are family issues (in fact, I think they all are) and I'm learning to keep my distance and just take care of my babies and my husband and our life together. It's a never ending process and I hope that you find all the strength that YOU need to take control over your own well being.

So, what did I learn from my own experience? I learned that no one is gonna save you except you. Don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise because in the end, all you have is you. If they are trying so hard to convince you that they are the answer.. then there's a very good chance that they aren't. Most people need you to make them feel important. Don't let them use you. Take back your power and don't allow yourself to be watered down. You are perfect just the way you are. Don't ever think otherwise.