Lost

It is with reluctance that I write this. For years, I have been addicted to self-sabotage. No matter what the year, place, time, date, I have always put others before myself. Even though I got “lost” and found this site, I honestly believe this is a good move.

It takes a lot just to write an essay of 600 words or better, even though I’m sure it will be for the betterment of society as we know it. Why? Because I’m the head of excuses.

I have work to do for my job, plus I just started a new business, plus my kid has to eat, plus I gotta 1) mop 2) wash 3) whatever the hell else is on my mind to do instead of what needs to be done. Usually, this “what needs to be done” is monumental. It will cause a huge shift in my life, but the excuses start to pile up and build up and guess what, they take over and I keep running.

FEAR. ANXIETY.

Why even join this website to make money off what you write, D, yeah, I know, your professor said you had potential. Yes, I know, you’ve been writing since you were old enough know what writing was. Yes, I know, writing is the thing that’s always just come easy to you. No matter the topic, no matter the audience or length requirements. Whether it be poem or song, you are a writer D. Now this site has been put up in front of you, with nothing but chances to express yourself freely and the opportunity to make money doing so. What will you do?

I did.

I took the advice of someone close to me “take your own advice?”

To me, there are always reasons to do, or not to do something. Similar to Shakespeare, that is the question. I believe the answer lies in action.

So when I see this contest about resolutions, I think:

Every new year people come up with all these unrealistic expectations of themselves as if they can just cold turkey some behavior they have been conditioning for years. “I’m gonna stop smoking…lose weight…gain weight.”

I stopped doing that a while ago.

I’ve learned for me, the best way to live is to DO IT NOW. Regardless of the time of year. Commitment happens from the inside out.

The changes that come along with that must be kicking excuses in the ass. You must be able to shut down all and any barriers to change. You must be able to ignore the sound of the phone ringing while you are deep in creation mode. Discipline.

JUST SAY NO, to all nouns, and even some verbs. People, places, and things are all chopped off my list while I work on self. While I self-express. While I self-impress.

We must seize the opportunities placed before us, and possess the discernment in order to decipher which opportunities to take.

This takes an enormous amount of confidence. Where does that come from? Use the drive you have to even desire change! Use it to fuel you forward.

I've allowed NAYSAYERS to run my life for a long time.

Literally, there have been many seeds that have been planted over the course of my lifetime.

“No one’s gonna want you after this”

“If you do this, you’ll die”

“You will not control this traffic stop”

“You’re not good enough”

…all while treating me like some ignorant ass niggardly earthling. Not knowing I have a whole masters degree. I even started a doctorate program, while in my 20’s.

These are all seeds that have been planted and watered, subconsciously, and sometimes right in my face. Each has affected me in more ways than anyone knows.

PTSD. Deep depressions. Sleepless nights. Thoughts get inside your head and infect you. Brain infections.

I remember when I was studying at the university and my own sorority sister asked why I had a camera in my hands all the time. I’m great on my toes, so I explained the passion, however, I still put my camera down.

The men in my life, when faced with fear of abandonment, because I just couldn’t take the abuse anymore, would say anything to get me to stay another minute…to convince me I wasn’t good enough to do anything better than them. I believed it, I think.

My skin, and everything on the outside makes me seem vulnerable and weak, and enabling myself through excuses only made me content in my victim mentality.

Truth is, I’m free AF.

But it took me to realize that in order for it to manifest.

So I am.

I exist.

And I’m important.

I uproot all negativity planted in my life, and move forward, in the direction of positive change.

It’s really funny when you end up lost in the right direction.