Lost

Let me start by saying that life hasn't dealt me the kindest hand. Hasn't dealt me the worst, but not the best or the kindest either. My current situation right now though, in every aspect is equally the best and the worst time of my life. I work two jobs and live in an expensive town. So, yeah, I'm struggling in a lot of ways. With COVID-19 out there now, everything is harder than it normally would have been. I fight depression, insomnia, struggle with anxiety and lately, severe panic attacks. A very bright light in that particular dark cloud is that I am no longer suicidal. I'm struggling to find myself, find who I am and to not be ashamed of whoever that person is and not worry what others think about me. Two jobs every day. I'm a workaholic who doesn't know what to do when she isn't working and being like that isn't the.....healthiest way to be. Aside from my books, I am having to re-discover what hobbies I like, as well as finding new ones. As far as having friends goes, I don't have very many and while I am trying to make new ones, it's hard. Starting about seven years ago, I became really good at shutting people out and never letting them in. Add that to being an awkard introvert who is really bad at starting conversations, it's hard for me to make friends. However, I do like puzzles and challenges, so while stumbling around in the dark trying to discover who I am is terrifying, it's also intriguing and challenging. Some mornings, that's probably the only thing that gets me out of bed. Wondering what new thing I'll discover about myself. So all of that is what makes this particular time of my life hard.

Now, with all that being said, this is also the best time of my life. The people I am surrounded by are some of the best people I have ever, ever met. They are kind, caring and supportive. I've gotten better at letting people in and letting them see the geeky, curious, strong, caring, vulnerable person that I am. Honestly, it is the greatest feeling in the world. Even when I have had a really bad day, just the thought of getting to see these people the same evening is one of the brightest rays of light ever! Also, the change and personal growth that I'm going through is painful, but beautiful and amazing at the same time. I really, really hope that whoever reads this, that this will bring hope, joy and light into your own personal battles. To all the young adults and teens out there who are depressed, suicidal, struggling and trying to find a reason to keep going, I know how you feel. I've been there. Please, please, let people in, don't be afraid to be vulnerable and don't be afraid to lean on people who are there for you and who are offering to let you lean on them. I would not be here now if I hadn't made those choices myself. Don't be afraid to trust others. Times are hard, but don't give up. If you have to count down from five before getting out of bed in the morning, then do it! Don't be ashamed of doing something like that, even if it's for small, everyday tasks like brushing your teeth. I have to do that, and it does work.

Remember, you are beautiful. Being vulnerable and flawed is not a bad thing. Ignore those who tell you otherwise. You are strong and can find a way to fight through this. I've been where you are. I feel your pain, I hear your cries for help and I cry with you and for you. Don't give up. Keep going. Please.