This isn’t as easy as people make it out to be. People tell me to just be more active. To change my diet. Go to the gym. Work out. It isn’t that simple. It is never that simple.
Why isn’t it simple? What’s so hard to understand? Its because most people who are obese tend to have self-image issues themselves. We also tend to have anxiety and depression. We also tend to not have support. I have depression. Most days are gloomy. Most days my bed is the most welcoming and supportive thing in my life. I have anxiety. When I go out, I see people staring at me. I see them and my brain uses their expressions to form their thoughts in my head. Like some sort of messed up telepathy. And support? You think my family would at least help right? No.
My daughter calls me big. Calls me fat. She doesn’t mean anything rude by it. Kids never tend to see ‘rude.’ My husband? Brings home sweets. All. The. Time. I ask him not to but there’s m&ms in my pantry. There were muffins and cookies and cakes. My husband doesn’t come home early enough for me to go on a walk. I would love to go during the day, but 3 rampant kids, a stroller and a dog? It's not a good idea. He also scolds me for spending money. We got a “health tracker” to keep track of my steps and how sedentary I am and he complained about the price. I am now interviewing a personal trainer behind his back. My grandmother told me to make sure I walk the dog everyday to lose pounds. But not in a good way. In the I-don’t-like-the-way-you-look way.
It also doesn’t help that when we actually get the guts to get up and actually go to the gym, people laugh. They snicker. They whisper. I end up not wanting to go back. I end up wanting to crawl back into bed.
The worst part is sometimes it gets so bad, I don’t want to eat. Anything. I'll have nothing but water. And I get angry. Because the next day I gained 2 lbs.
I’ve tried everything. I tried eating more veggies, calorie counting, keto, low-carb. I even watch my sugar intake. And none of it helps. I want to lose weight to be healthier, to be able to wear pretty clothes, to walk around and not worry about people staring because I’m a 2 and my husband is a solid 7. I’m tired of my daughter asking me why my tummy jiggles. I’m tired of my side of the bed sagging under my weight.
I want to be beautiful and vibrant and thin. Oh I want to be thin. I long for it like a snake for sunshine. I ache for it like a tree for water. I am eager for it like a wolf is eager to see the moon. I dream of being thin. I dream about it and I wake up and I die inside seeing that it isn’t true. Just a mirage, a fake, a lie.
I guess this is a cry for help. But I don’t think anyone I know reads on this site. Even if they did, they wouldn’t say a word. Because in reality they don’t really care. They say they do. But oh, they don’t. Aw long as it doesn’t interfere with their life, of what they’re doing, then they won’t say anything. The only way someone would actively care about what I feel like or what I do, the only way I would have people motivating and helping me is if they were told they would receive money for making me thin. Like some sort of lottery.
I hope you enjoyed my rant of the day.