Living with the past, in the present.

I have lived with repressed memories most of my life, and I had no knowledge why. I had an inkling that something bad must have happened early in my life. But I didn’t know what. People kept telling me that if I didn’t remember anything “I must have had an amazing childhood”. I remember wondering “How is that true? How can you assume that? I literally do not remember!”. But it was easier for me to agree with the sentiment than to try and understand why I didn’t remember. It’s only in the last 10 years that I have begun to remember what happened to me when I was 9 years old. But it’s only recently that I have actively begun to try and unravel the events.

On the 6th of May 2021 at 5:51pm I reported my sexual abuse to the Police. The crime against me happened in a different state to where I live, and that made it complicated. So, I reached out to a resource to assist me. When I pressed the button to finally, officially, submit my report, I couldn’t believe the way I felt. The emotions were positive. I felt relief, pride, satisfaction, grief, exhaustion, sadness, happiness, and like the weight of my lifetime had finally lifted from my shoulders. Finally, I felt that the shackles were beginning to come undone. But I was wrong. The shackles had come off, only to allow space for new ones to be fitted and fixed in place. A new set of challenges was about to confront me.

For most of my life I have lived with undiagnosed complex mental health conditions, that I am only just beginning to understand. Growing up with a narcissistic parent didn’t help, where I was constantly belittled and demeaned. I was told that I was “too reactive” or “too emotional”, that “nobody” would ever love me because I was too reactive and snappy. I was never asked about why I felt or acted the way I did. I was just told that I shouldn’t be that way. So I learned to pretend. I used fake joy and enthusiasm to hide the depth of my sadness, and I began to unravel in other ways.

As a teenager and young adult, I had strings of unhealthy relationships. I was extremely co-dependent, and I felt that my sense of self-worth was only validated when someone else was “in love” with me. I never developed a sense of self love or self acceptance, because I never understood the complexity behind why I didn’t love or accept myself. But how could I when no one else in my life did?

In recent years, I have found a Psychologist that I enjoy working with. Maybe it sounds weird to enjoy working with a Psychologist, I don’t know. But I do. I enjoy developing my level of self-awareness, and understanding my triggers and the reasons behind them. It is only during this time that I have been able to step forward, and realise why I have anxiety, depression (mild), and complex PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). And understanding the why is making me further understand how I move forward, and how I manage my mental health. And, as I learn more about what happened and the way it has impacted me in my life, I am able to more readily work through my mental health challenges.

I never realised the reasons behind why I shut down during an argument, or why I respond to stress in certain ways. I never really understood why I was emotionally volatile. Why I couldn’t help but develop significantly challenging catastrophic thinking patterns. Why I struggled to maintain healthy relationships. Why. Why. Why! So many why’s.

And to be honest, I still don’t know the answers to all of the why’s. And, maybe I never will. But it’s okay. Because I’m on my journey of healing now, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me.

As for the new shackles? Well, they're still being fitted. And that's a whole other story.