Living with the Big "G"

For a really long time, I held a lot of guilt. I think guilt, or the Big G, as I sometimes refer to it, is a concept instilled in us as children. I don't want to come across sounding like Freud here but it is important to note the impact of your childhood on your outcome as an adult. In the household I grew up in, the pressure was high, so levels for feeling guilt on silly things, like missing a homework assignment, or spilling a drink, were astronomical. For me, the price of stepping out of line was more than renting a one-bedroom in any major city.

So guilt. I have been feeling it for a while now if I am being honest, and I often wonder where this guilt is stemming from. For instance, I make it a point to always be kind and consider others when making decisions, but in spite of following the golden rule(s), I still feel guilty. When I think about the “Big G” I think a lot about the different paths I could have taken. Now, none of you know me, yet, but I think I have lived a pretty interesting life that has lead to complex decisions, and one of my biggest hangups seems to be if I am making the right choices. I guess no one can really tell you if one decision is better than the other, and we just have to ride out the wave that we started on, but I still struggle with the feeling of guilt when I think about the things I have chosen.

When I reflect on potential stemmers of the “Big G” I look at the closest relationships in my life first. Starting with family, and working my way out. My family life is quite complex. Starting with the fact that (as far as I have heard) my parents met at a work conference and by the end of the week, I was blossoming into their futures. So, as I am sure you could imagine, I was a very unexpected surprise for both of them. The complexities of being an unwanted pregnancies don’t stop there. No, instead they continue into years of arguments, my dad getting married to another woman, my mom getting engaged, and then breaking it off. A crazy step-mom, two new siblings, to a whole host of life long complications that are still with me today.

From all of those crazy stories of my family, I learned that no one is perfect, even when they try to act like they are. Growing up, I was never really given the luxury of that relaxed ease that many people fall back on in desperate times. Instead, I grappled with knowing who I could trust and those who would only take care of me to maintain their family’s curb appeal. I am still trying to figure out who truly cares about me. As I was deciphering their “perfect” little facades I learned that trust is everything, and that trust is not something to be given to everyone. To trust someone means that you are able to be completely vulnerable, open up, and give your complete self too. As children, we do that easily, and often, but for me, after a few burns I quickly decided to change my perspective. At a young age, I was exposed to situations that lead to deep scarring (physically and mentally, I have two scars on my left temple for proof) that forced me to compartmentalize. I started organizing each of my experiences into categorizes, one for good, one for bad, and a section that I completely pressed erase on.

Although, there was another section that was designated for situations big and small, ones that would change my life completely and memories that would haunt me, in a sixth grade kind of way, forever. That section is guilt. Guilt seems to start early especially for children who grow up in abusive or destructive households. This is because as children suffer through destructive experiences those experiences are normally translated into internalized guilt.

For me growing up in a similar setting, it led me down a path of pacifism and a need for perfection. From my fear of conflict, I begin to internalize every fight that happened around me. I would stand frozen in a feeling of overwhelming guilt when a fight broke out between my parents, and my name just so happens to be the main topic. Similar situations create a cycle of constant guilt, building up in a mental reservoir over time. I have found that as I age this guilt continues if I do not seek the proper connections in my life. Holding onto past guilt only causes more problems later in life. Although, holding on to past hurts is never going to be sustainable in my future.

That is where I lean on to the lessons that I have learned in my life.

Key lessons I have learned

1.Understanding the importance of conflict in healthy doses, I realized that through all of this chaos there is always a happy medium and that at times you need to speak up for what your needs are but you don’t have to go on the attack for them.

2.Knowing that I am a good person, even if I take time or space for myself this does not make self-centered or rude this makes me human and healthy.

3.Knowing that not everything is my fault, just like the last one knowing where boundaries lie, knowing that somethings just really are not your fault.

4. Knowing when to apologize, accepting that I am not perfect and that no one can be. Not knowing when or how to apologize is a major sign of someone’s inability to be vulnerable and admit their wrongdoings, I don't want to be that person.

5. Learning the strength of vulnerability, there is a power and attraction that is held with being vulnerable, people are more intrigued by your ability to open up, even if not completely, it helps calm them about their own insecurities.

To complete this one long drawn out thought, on what it feels like to hold on to guilt, I hope that I reached someone who has felt the same way. I hope that I have taught you that anything that you went through as a child is not your fault and that you are perfectly human by reacting with sadness, anger, or guilt. That is because so many times people from toxic families are brainwashed into believing every fault of their parents is their own. You are strong, and you are kind.