Living With Schizophrenia

This post contains content that may be triggering to some.

Hi friends, just seeking some advice and to hear if any of you have experienced anything similar. It’s a bit of a dark place for me that I’ve been in, in some ways and so here it goes.

Also I will talk about my experience with mental illness, schizophrenia and a recovery path that’s been up and down, on a long and winding road.

I see signs a lot, or rather, patterns. Such as numbers, three or more in a row. A lot, everywhere. Most of them make me feel good, based on beliefs around what that number may mean.

When I see 444 I feel a little uncomfortable because of something I heard in a movie once about these numbers.

It’s not necessarily something to worry about, but I’m still trying to figure it out.

When I started seeing 666 a lot it really started to bother me. I would say I see it somewhere new probably at least once a week give or take. Each time I stop seeing it I think, good, things are improving and then I see it again. But does it even mean something bad?

What do these numbers mean to you? Do you believe anything about them? If I’m seeing them so often, why? And what am I supposed to do about it? I would love your feedback.

I see it a lot yes. But I see other number patterns tons too. 222 ... 777 and so on.

Is it a message, a warning? Or am I meant to just see it and move on with my life.

I have been trying to find my way. Each day I try to find the right way to live. I truly want to find out how to live and earn my wings per say. To do what is right and good, to help myself and to help others. To make this world a better place and to get through this together, coming out the other side better off.

I’m just trying to find some insights so I can move up in my life and help those around me more. Any thoughts please?

I don’t want to seem crazy, and I know that I have schizophrenia, but trust me it’s not a delusion. Those around me know this because Ive pointed it out to them.

Perhaps it’s my fear, that’s creating this? Maybe I’m too influenced by others? Maybe I’m still trying to find my voice in the world?

My friend says, oh it’s just your schizophrenia. But it’s not a delusion so I don’t know what schizophrenia has to do with it. But perhaps it does. Well I guess it’s a sort of paranoia that I’ve built around it. When I see it I feel scared. I begin to wonder and ponder what does it mean.

The meds are supposed to help and they do and I don’t know what I would do without them. I tried coming off twice and ended up in the hospital each time. The second time they sent me home and I agreed I would go back up to the dose that was working for me. The first time I past the test of getting off them and staying off them for 1 and a half years, even though dr’s said that was impossible. I also worked with a natural health practitioner and others.

They were kind of right I did relapse but when I weaned off all the meds and was taking true hope empower plus, for six months I did quite well. For a while anyways.

Diet is huge and I know when I eat the right nutrients and enough calories I feel way better.

So what else could I talk about? How about Corona Virus? Wow spellcheck recognizes corona as a word... let’s look it up.

Okay here’s what it said

Corona (from the Latin for 'crown') most commonly refers to:

Stellar corona, the outer atmosphere of the Sun or another star

Coronavirus, a group of RNA viruses,

Corona (beer), a Mexican beer and some other references.

Coronaviruses are a large group of viruses that have crown-like thorns on their surface. That’s why they called it that.

It’s scary? But what’s really going on? Is this a mass call for people to wake up? We have been needing some changes for a while, it’s nothing new. Honestly friends, please tell me what do you think the solution is to what’s happening with the environment? The forests ? The land? The animals? And our social condition?And what will keep us healthy?

Altleast we are surrounded by loving people. I feel we are. And this earth has some dark places that are more dangerous to live then here, but even in those places there is lots of light and good people. And even the not so good people all just want what we all want which is peace and happiness, just not all of us have found out how to do that yet. Myself included sometimes. I love all the places and people of the earth and hope we can come together.

We are blessed to live in Canada where we are pretty free. Free to believe what we want and free to be ourselves. Could you imagine living in a third world country? Starving to death? Is it our job to help them? There’s lots of ways to help them. That’s for sure and it’s good to do so. And we can help them and they us.

We get overwhelmed with what to do and how to make a difference. But there’s lots we can do and there’s lots of organizations to support.

What are you doing to be less afraid and to create a better future?

Do you see signs and wonder why? What do you see? Do you see visions ? I do have spiritual visions, life visions but also I can see coloured flashes of light, shadow things and auras. Some of these things make me feel good, feel special and gifted. But others are a little intimidating.

What do you think they are? My favourite is the bright beautiful blue light I see often.

So what is schizophrenia? Well each person you ask would give you their own interpretation.

Is it a gift or not? How do we choose to view it? And how does it effect those we love and those around us? It took me many years to become stable and learn to live with it. I’m still not 100% recovered but hope to get even healthier as time goes on and as I do the right things hopefully.

It took a lot of therapy, groups, and inner healing, wholisticly. I did groups at Carnet, and even had to go to the psych unit. Well I’ve been there 7 times but 0 times in the last 7 to 8 years or so.

And I’m not alone in this. Most people at my Clubhouse Potential Place, have schizophrenia, and for every year people stay as members, the hospitalization rates drop. That’s because with the right supports, people can heal.

We each have to decide what kind of supports work for us. For some they just need friends, others may need more.

People stigmatize counceling, some may say it’s not natural but hey, to them I say, well do you have schizophrenia or another mental illness? If you do you chose what you dealt was right for you. That’s wonderful.

Just because you found a path that works for you, doesn’t mean that that path will work for someone else. We all have to find our own path, yes. I’m grateful to all who find a good way to live, and I can learn from them but I also introspect to see what I want to do and how I want to live.

Why do you think Corona virus is happening? And ... what can we do about it? And can we respect each others beliefs and opinions? Can we decide what’s best for ourselves without telling others what to do?

I really would love your comments my friends, either in private or publicly. Maybe we can help each other and come up with some solutions, maybe we can get through this together or do even better then just getting through this.

By the way this is my first ever real long blog post, so please give me your feedback and let me know what kind of topics you would like me to talk about.

I have lots of experience with hospital visits, but I also have a background in holistic health. I’ve completed courses on nutrition, herbs and natural therapies like reflexology. But most of all I have real down to earth lived experience of struggling with and recovering from severe and persistent mental illness, since I was a teenager. I’m now 34 and and am still in recovery. Thankfully I’ve also been recovered for years from addictions and would like to help others do the same through my writing. I believe each of us can overcome addictions, and I still work on my own addiction such as chocolate and my phone perhaps.

I’m not fully recovered, by no means, and if I said that, I am would be lying. But I have come a long way. And so have all of you. I would love to hear from you about how you have lived and recovered from or are in recovery of living with mental illness.

What does mental illness or mental health mean to you? What helps? What doesn’t help? And how can we help each other?

What meds have you tried, what herbs or supplements ? What support groups or resources?

This is a delicate topic and hope I’m doing do diligence to represent the mental health community in a good and peaceful way. Please be kind in your comments as people are sensitive with feelings and we are all simply just human.

There’s no judgment or shame here. There is openness, love and kindness.

Having a mental illness does not mean you are a bad person or that you have messed up karma you can’t resolve. It doesn’t mean you need to be isolated from the world. It doesn’t mean your not a valuable person or that you are only a burden.

What does it mean? Well it means you have to be extra careful how you treat yourself, and who you let into your life, and how you view the world.

In fact it could mean you are sensitive, delicate but also strong and strong willed. Each person has an opportunity to make a valuable contribution to this world, to our friends, families and communities.

When we learn our weaknesses we can also find our strengths and also can find our sense of community.

I don’t know where I’d be hadn’t I found the Carnet Center, and then graduated from their day hospital program and also that I found Potential Place. And for all the people I’ve come to know, and the experience s I’ve had and for the lessons I have learned.

If I didn’t know that Potential Place is here for me, open every day Monday to Friday for me, and for anyone with a mental illness who would like to join as a member, I don’t know where I would be. Same goes for all the clinical and holistic support networks and all are holistic in there own way, I believe.

I love Potential Place. I know that at any time I need to come by, that Potential they are there for me. I’m grateful for my friends there and for the many resources that I have accessed since I was a teenager until now, and going forward. I’m also grateful for all my friends and family who have been an amazing support.

People have a beautiful way of finding solutions to our problems. It seems like there is so many solutions. What do you think?

Is it true that we wouldn’t know good without bad? Or can humans evolve past that concept? All I can say is we sure do have a lot to be grateful for and if you feel you don’t then find what makes you grateful.

Schizophrenia is not a death sentence nor is it a curse. We can still learn to live good, meaningful happy lives and my hope is that we all do. And it may not always feel that way and trust me I can relate at times to how difficult it can be.

But I also have times of joy, times of a feeling supported by my communities, times of hope and times of healing. My family has helped me through, and if you don’t have family, create your family. If you need a family and have mental illness, I recommend Potential Place here in Calgary, Alberta.

I’ve been a member there for over 7 years now and am currently a board member. When they asked if I wanted to join the board I jumped at the opportunity.

I get to support a fundamental resource in the mental health community and they support me.

I’m surprised I didn’t hear of them earlier in my life. What to they do ? They provide structure, routine and community.

Members help run the clubhouse along side staff. They help with all kinds of tasks, such as working reception, working the bistro, cooking, cleaning, data entry, outreach, helping with food hampers etc. They also have a robust social recreation program which is on hold at the moment due to covid.

They have education and art grants, and a wonderful transitional employment program.

They are not alone in their design, in-fact there are clubhouses all over the world who follow the same standards and there is a whole list of standards and each clubhouse around the world complies to them and they each belong to Clubhouse International. But each clubhouse is also unique in their own ways too, as are the members. I don’t visit too often these days, unlike my older days when I attended every day, but do stay connected.

So getting back to my original questions. What do you think that pattern may mean?

And if I start blogging as often as I can, would it help me? Would it help you? Would you like to hear more from me and on what topics?

What is mental illness but a call for healing? To bring us closer together... To show us how vulnerable we are and how we need each other... To guide us in the right directions so we truly can find healing and hope and from that place, share it with others.

Did I go through hell on earth so I can begin to heal myself and then share that healing with others?

What are the patterns I need to change so I can heal and be part of the collective healing? Can I find my voice and let it shout out to all of you who need a message of hope ? And can we inspire each other by sharing our voices together for a better world? I here you sisters and brothers, I hear you and I love the message you are trying to share You inspire me!

May we be able to use or stories and our lived experiences to tell the epic tale of how we have overcome the odds and strengthened our hearts and our communities.

Thanks for reading and for listening but most of all thanks for caring.

I hope that together we can heal and learn how to live the life we have always wanted. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it can be messy, and hard. But as we take the steps towards healing individually and collectively, we are learning to walk or walk and walk our talk and this is powerful.

I wish you healing and love and compassion towards your self and others. No matter how things are, we have to stay kind towards ourselves and others. This is what the world needs.

Thanks so much for tuning in, let me know your thoughts or questions and coming back to the pattern I talked about, what do you think it means? What would it mean to you? Have you gone through anything similar and how did you heal?

Also if you struggle or have struggled with mental illness I would love to here from you and any tips you find helpful for your self. I welcome any comments that are respectful and kind. Thanks for being here and for being you and for bringing your own unique strengths and gifts to the world. We are here for each other