Living with PTSD

Before I was diagnosed with PTSD, I only ever assumed that those that had been in wars suffered from it. It's the only time I've ever heard someone talk about it. I didn't for a second fathom that PTSD was something the wider population suffered from and it was only when I became friends with a Domestic Violence survivor and was then later diagnosed with it myself, did I really understand just how wrong I was.

PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), as stated by the NHS, is "an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events. Someone with PTSD often relives the traumatic event(s) through nightmares and flashbacks, and may experience feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt. The may also have problems sleeping, such as insomnia, and finding concentrating difficult. These symptoms are often severe and persistent enough to have a significant impact on the person's day to day life. Any situation that a person finds traumatic can cause PTSD. These can include (but aren't limited to):

Serious road accidents

Violent personal assaults, such as sexual assault, mugging or robbery

Serious health problems

Childbirth experiences

PTSD can develop immediately after someone experiences a disturbing event, or it can occur weeks, months or even years later. PTSD is estimated to affect about 1 in every 3 people who have a traumatic experience, but it is not clear exactly why some people develop the condition and others do not."

It's isolating.

I should know, my coping mechanism has pushed away my family. I cope by lashing out in damaging ways. As a child, I used to kick, punch or scream as I was dragged to my room for doing something "naughty". It would then follow with me completely destroying my possessions and my mind would be black. I wouldn't see myself doing it because I had triggered a mechanism that protected me from the inability to cope with it. Or I would completely remove my conscious self from the room. Physically, I'm there being shouted at or talked down to. But mentally, I'm in this dark room where I can't hear or see anything. Afterwards, I would sit and tear myself apart. I'd mentally berate myself, even as a child, and struggle with the emotions that would rear up and trample me. Eating and sleeping have been too great of a comfort as well. I comfort eat when things are hard and because of this, I've become overweight. The trouble is, I hate myself more for being overweight. When things gets too hard, I sleep. I will immediately remove myself mentally and shut down physically by sleeping. I can't stop. But I'm desperate to.

My therapist has said my PTSD has been around since I was a young child from the sessions we've been through. I see her weekly and she's been like a breath of fresh air after nearly 26 years. She thinks it started when I was young and saw my alcoholic father beat my mother. I was about 2 years old when I saw this. It also happens to be my first memory. It's messed up for a 2 year old to see that. That along with two sexual assaults (one was statutory rape, the other was having my vagina groped by my husbands ex-best friend), two miscarriages, self-harm and a litany of mental abuse from individuals close to me have lead into a situation where I can't cope with the slightest bit of confrontation.

Some of the symptoms of PTSD are re-experience, avoidance, emotional numbing, hyper-arousal, self-destructive behaviors and physical symptoms.

Re-experience can come in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, repetitive and distressing images or sensations, and physical sensations such as pain, sweating, feeling sick or trembling. I suffer from vivid nightmares and distressing images. Nightmares are what I go through every single night without fail. I don't remember a night where I didn't wake up shaking with a violent fear settled in my stomach. At least once a day, I relive the rape I went through at 8 years old. When I have an argument, I will avoid talking or looking at them. I self destruct by drinking, throwing myself into arguments with people I love and subconsciously ruining my relationships. I "see" things which my therapist has said is a manifestation of my trauma. The things I see are black shadows. Nothing will trigger this. I could be driving and see a black shadow walk in front of my car. The most common one is spider shaped shadows scuttling across my living room floor, which is truly terrifying when you have a deep fear of spiders.

My therapist is currently taking me through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. During each hour long session, I'll be asked to recall a memory that causes me mental pain. I'm currently in my very early years. I'll be asked to think about it and then during the recall of this memory, I begin to rapidly move my eyes from side to side and tap my legs with both hands at a similar pace. I'll do this for 60 seconds before stopping and discussing how I view that memory now. I have to keep repeating this over and over until I can look at the memory without experiencing a negative emotion towards it. This therapy has been amazingly helpful alongside taking 20mg Citalopram (an antidepressant) and 10mg Propranolol (an anti-anxiety). Before I did this therapy, I was lazy, I would lock myself in my home and struggle to leave the house for anything other than my son, I couldn't be bothered to clean, I was numb, I suffered emotionally, I was permanently anxious and suffered from heart palpitations several times a day. Now I love to clean. I actively want to change the negative aspects of my life and make a positive change. I feel the positivity growing inside me and that is an amazing feeling considering I have always felt this deep darkness from the pain I've been through.

But I'm not through to the other side yet. There's a lot I still need to work through and as I continue to progress through the things I've been through, the sessions will become more emotionally painful. I'm lucky that I have support to get through them though. I WILL get through this. I WILL come out the other side and be a better functioning individual. Not just for me, but for my son as well. I don't want him to look at how I am and think that that's okay.

For those that are reading this that also suffer from PTSD and may only just be getting the help, or those that have it and don't know they do, it will get better. I took my first step by just calling my doctor and telling them I couldn't cope anymore. I just talked and they listened. I was referred to a talking service who decided I needed more serious help so I landed with the therapist I'm seeing now. There is always someone that will help you get the support you need. You can go through your doctor or visit a variety of charities who can guide you on how to get yourself some help. I've listed some below.

Either way, don't let that darkness devour you. You can beat this. You will beat this.

https://www.ptsduk.org/

https://combatstress.org.uk/

https://www.thebraincharity.org.uk/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-and-complex-ptsd