Living with Depression and Anxiety

Depression. Anxiety.

Both seem like a pretty easy words to define. According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, Depression is defined as a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, etc.

I always struggled with finding the solution of how to tackle my depression for what seemed like forever but was actually just years at a time. I can remember how depression first came to be in my life, two words, one location: middle school.

It was bad enough that I felt like the outcast; the taunting, bullying, and even threats seemed to become normal to endure. Days became weeks, then weeks became months. Then one day the emotional buildup was just too much for me. So I did one thing I thought would solve everything: run. Due to the high request of security guards on an outdoor campus, I couldn't run far. So I ran to the closest girls restroom and hid in the corner for what felt like hours silently crying. I felt like I had no safe haven for me. I always wondered how can people my age be so verbally and physically heinous?

I started to feel hopeless. The dark cloud that was once looming over me started to grow more and more. I was very thankful for my dear friends, my living angels, who have looked out for me that day. Long story short, that day was an eye-opener for what my life would soon be like now that the signs of being depressed started to show. By the time I entered high school, I already had the mindset of being in a new environment, but the same people.

Freshman year was pretty much the year where I stayed in my shell and kept to myself. I never involved myself in any activities, sports, or clubs only because I didn't want to be judged or bullied again. Obviously, that wish never came true. Freshman year fast-forwarded into Senior year and I thought it was about time for a change.

I really did think that turning a new leaf with my appearance would bring some light in the darkness. Turns out I was completely wrong once again; I opened the door to more toxic drama. I really didn't understand what I was doing wrong for all of the negative to weigh out more than the positive. I was slowly accepting the path I created for myself that year. Once again, that dark cloud was growing more and more.

And then along came heading to college (well, freshman year for that matter). I changed my major from basic English to Biochemistry Pre-Med only because of all the talk in high school of how you can only be a school teacher with just a degree in English. I had made a mental plan of what I wanted to do once I step foot on campus soil: don't go to any parties, be social to those within your major, and most importantly—don't procrastinate.

I thought that I was going on the right track this time around, but once again I was completely wrong. I was on academic probation by the time the spring semester came around. I was completely devastated. Not only that I was roommates with a girl that was barely even on campus since she lived in Virginia Beach.

Yes, I was in a dorm by myself with no type of social interaction throughout the whole nine months of what felt like isolation. I started to feel an unnerving sense of loneliness. Once classes were done and I clocked out from work, I was by myself day after day. It has affected me so much that I would lash out at my own mom. I had to admit that I was alone and I didn't want to be.

It was as if the last few lyrics of Ari Lennox's "New Apartment" spoke to me. I had to admit, having a room to myself was great, but I needed to socialize myself with other people. I couldn't let these two words define who I was going to be for the rest of my life. I had to fight within myself.

So from that moment on, I knew that a lot of changes had to made for the better. I first realized that I put my faith on the back burner. I had to remind myself that I had to maintain my spiritual relationship that I knew was clearly lacking. I attended bible studies that were on campus and also went to the closest church every Sunday with other students.

The next thing I knew needed to change was my habit of being extremely introverted. Yes, I did love the nice moments of keeping to myself with a good read and warm beverage, but I did want to be able to interact a lot more with others around me (especially being a college student).

I started to open up to accepting the fact that yes, some things needed to change, I had to start off by one thing: self-acceptance. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror for longer periods of time and not point out the flaws and impurities physically and mentally. I started to wear makeup to a more natural setting and wore my mane as natural as it has ever been.

I accept the fact that the battle is never over when I knew the only enemy I had to defeat... was my inner self.