Living with Depression

Have you ever felt like nothing would happen if you just disappeared? Like you want to end everything, yet at the same time want to keep going just to see if everything will be alright in the end? Since the time I was 15 I was diagnosed with severe depression after finally telling my mom that her past husband had sexually assaulted me when I was only 7, had been self-harming for almost 2 years prior, and felt like everyone around me would have been better off without me. Maybe my family would have more money; maybe my grandparents wouldn't have had to raise me and my grandfather wouldn't have been so stressed about me before he died...I felt like asking for help would just make everyone believe I was looking for attention...My mom didn't want to hear about it saying that if I was so depressed I should go to a mental hospital. But that was just her way of saying she didn't care.

It took me another year before I finally talked to my councilor at the high school about needing to see someone about it. After almost 7 years of intense counseling I began to open up slightly in hopes that maybe things would be better. For the most part, nothing had changed. My mom remained unfazed by anything I said while my grandmother took care of me and my sister. I had been burned by almost everyone I let into my life; but then I realized something.

Through all of the things I had been through, I helped more people than I helped myself and it was the only time I ever felt happy. Helping people around me was the only light I saw in all the darkness around me. I knew I wanted to make other people happy even if it meant getting hurt in the process...If someone needed someone to take their anger out on, I was their go-to-girl. And honestly, that was fine with me. I'd rather them be happy.

I'll admit it isn't/wasn't a healthy decision, but at the same time, it was one I made and was and still am alright with. But if I could tell anyone anything, it would be to take care of yourself first and not be someone else punching bag, because no matter what, you don't deserve it and life WILL get better.