Living With Bipolar

Living with Bipolar Disorder is never an easy thing. About 2.3 million people struggle with this disorder, and about 4% of the world don't even recognize they have it. If you think about it, that's a lot of people!

Please note- A lot of events and details are left out because if not, this would be longer than a book, so if you're willing to read my story.. Thank you.

Hello! My name is Dalene, but for as far back as I can remember, everyone has just called me Dayday. I am a 22 year old mother to two beautiful babies (5 and 1) and three beautiful bonus babies (14, 11, 6), who has lived her life since age 14 with Bipolar 1 disorder. This is my chance for me to tell you about my life in hopes that it will touch anyone who is feeling like they are walking this path alone, just as I did for so long. Please understand that I most definitely am not a doctor. So I cant tell you what's right or wrong. However, the stories I have and the life I've lived, is something I can in fact say. So with all of that being said, welcome to my crazy chaotic life!

Lets go way back to when I was 12 years old. I was in the seventh grade, most 12 year old girls are out playing with dolls, completing school, playing sports, having slumber parties, just doing kid things.. right? But for me? That wasn't the case. although I can't tell everything that has happened in my past, I can give you a pretty good idea. When I was that age, I didn't get the luxury of innocent childhood. At that point in my life, I had already gone though everything from my parents getting divorced, to being raped, to the physical and mental abuse, ect. After my parents split when I was 6, my mom had left with my youngest brother, and left me and my little sister with my father. For 5 years we lived with him.. My father was a very heavy smoker, and honestly wasn't a great father at all. He would send us to school with cigarette smelling clothes, dirty tangled hair, clothes that were either too big, or too small and would rip at recess. And trust me - Everyone laughed at me. I was super overweight and he even let my great grandma give us pixie hair cuts. Everyone made fun of my sister and I and called us boys at recess. It was so traumatizing.. For 5 years we lived like that. We lived in fear because my father was a heavy set man. So his hands are big and when he hits, he hits hard. He choked me against a wall, spanked us, Gave me cold showers as a punishment for having an accident. Even smacked me across my face so hard I flew across the room. He scared me..

My mom went to live with my grandparents and for years I never understood why my mom wouldn't take us and save us. There wasn't enough room for us.. I remember every weekend we got to spend with mom, we were so happy. I would cry my little eyes out when I would have to leave on Sundays. I hated going back. I started to do things to harm myself in the 5th grade. it was little things like burning myself with hot glue. I liked the way it burned though my skin and hurt. It made me focus on the new pain I felt rather than the pain I felt inside. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted kids to like me.

Finally, that following summer after the 5th grade, my mom took my sister and made arrangements to the house to make room, and oh man we were EXITED! My mom took me to an Usher concert that summer and bought me a phone for going into the sixth grade! I knew kids from our block because I had already been visiting there, so everything was absolutely perfect. I became best friends with a girl that was 3 years older than me who lived down the ally behind my house. Her name was (for privacy purpose I will change her name) Jessica. She was a tall skinny girl with long, black, curly, beautiful hair! Mind you - I was still super overweight. So when I looked at her, I was insanely jealous. We hung out pretty much all day everyday. She taught me how to do makeup, straighten my hair, and do other big girl things. I started to starve myself so I could be skinny just like her. And then I was. I started doing everything she did including hanging out with men over 18, drinking, smoking pot, the whole works. I thought I was so cool. I finally had kids who liked me, I started to look prettier, "sexier", I had boys who thought I was attractive and that's when I started getting into real trouble. It was the seventh grade now and I liked this 9th grader so much, I thought he was so hot and ALL the girls wanted him. Well he started asking me to hangout with him and of course, I did. And guess what? Eventually I ended up losing my virginity to him..

I wanted to be sexually active with anyone who even looked my way. And that's where my mom started noticing some signs of my Bipolar. Because of the fact that I started having sex, doing drugs and drinking, I was getting more and more depressed and wasn't taking any of my meds at all. I started cutting really really bad. My arms and legs would be covered with hundreds of cuts. I was hurting myself and my family so bad. They hated seeing me go down that path especially since my older brother was already a disobedient child. So they really did everything they could to help me. My mom admitted me to psychiatrics' hospitals a bunch of times, 11 times to be exact from ages 12-15. I never kept up with the medication I was getting, so I was becoming more and more out of control. I was taking all of my anger and aggression out on my family and they never deserved that. At the end of seventh grade I ended up packing my things and moving to South Dakota with my father and the mother of two of my siblings. I wanted a fresh start and I thought I would be happy. But I wasn't. Once again people made fun of me and called me "thunder thighs", it made me feel TERRIBLE. I was doing so many bad things, my father and I ended up fighting and guess what I did.. I called my mom and the second I called my mom she came and got me. I moved back to Milwaukee and started my life again as nothing happened. the same thing went on in the 8th grade.. I moved back to South Dakota and then back once more before 8th grade. But this time I moved back with my father. Things were really bad because I ended up having sex with a 19 year old and my father caught me. My dad took everything from me for months. My makeup, my piercings, my straightener, my phone, everything. everything that made me feel beautiful he took. Eventually We got into a bigger fight and it resulted in my father smacking me and me flying and landing on the floor. He got on top of me and threatening to hit me again if I didn't go to my room. I saved myself by telling him that my siblings mom was cheating on him, (It was something that came up in a conversation between us, I just don't remember). They went to their room to fight and I crawled under the table and called my mom and had her come get me. My mom had moved with my grandparents, siblings and step dad, so It was about 45 minutes till she got to me. My dad was furious and we didn't talk for awhile after that. I moved to my moms new house and that's where I stayed 9th grade through graduation till I got in huge trouble and had to move out. But we will get to that..

I started High school and everything was amazing! I loved the area I was in, and had a great relationship with my mom so everything was alright for freshman and sophomore year, a few minor slip ups but that's about it. Then Jr year started and that's when I started to become more depressed again and starting to self harm, but this time I actually tried to kill myself. I took 3 bottles of pills and wanted to just sleep and not wake up. thankfully my brother came and asked me to go to the movies with him, so I did. But then passed out in the movie theater and had to be rushed to the hospital. I don't remember much from that night except for when they told me I was pregnant.. 16 years old and I was pregnant. I was terrified. The father didn't want a relationship so I had to do it all on my own.

I started dating a lot because once again I was trying to fill a void. I had very abusive relationships.. Mentally, physically, sexually. It really fucked with my metal health. My bipolar and borderline were really showing.. I became a stripper. Then robbed the strip club I was working at because my boss threatened to put a bullet in my brain. If that doesn't scream mania.. I don't know what does. I got caught and obviously I confessed. The worst thing to ever happen to me, happened to me that day, I lost custody of my son. He was 11 months old and I was being such a shitty mother.. He didn't deserve that, but thankfully my mom and step dad adopted him so that I could still be with him. He will always be my son and my parents are very understanding about that and I really couldnt be more faithful. Unfortunately during that time I was with my second child's father. He was the most abusive man I had EVER been with. He would call me all sorts of mean names. Punch me in my face and in the back of my head, rape me in my sleep, and the list goes on. I don't know why I was so in love with him but I let him continuously abuse me. I didn't make much effort to see my son and I lost all respect for myself. I felt worthless and all I wanted was to die so I punched a mirror and shattered it and then sliced my arm open with the glass (another bad mania moment). I was on probation so when the cops were called, they took me to jail instead of a psychiatric hospital. I hated myself. When I got out again, I started using cocaine really bad. and then crack. I was going down such a bad path. I was gonna end up in prison, or dead if I didn't straighten up my shit soon.. So I left him the last night he put his hands on me, it was a bad fight we were drunk and high on cocaine. I KNEW I had to get the hell out. So I call my family and they come bet me and my belongings. I was so relived. Until I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant with my daughter and she was his.. I was completely devastating.

Fast forward a few weeks, I start dating someone new and this time he was my soul mate. We hit it off right away and I know it was super soon after ending a almost 2 year relationship but I swear it was love at first sight. He is everything I ever dreamed of. I can honestly say, my daughter and fiancé saved me.. I have been clean for a little over two years and been with my fiancé for 2 years. He has raised my daughter as his own and I am so grateful and happy I finally have a healthy happy relationship and family; plus I got on all the right meds and I'm feeling so much better in life! The mood swings and mania have almost stopped completely, the depression is definitely not as bad, except for in winters(seasonal depression). I'm beyond in disbelief how much I have changed for the better in life and got my mental health IN CONTROL!

You guys can do it. There is so much help out there.. I believe in every single one of you and the difference starts with you. There are suicide hotlines and a bunch of other hotlines for resources and help. Take the step to be free! Thank you for reading!!!

Dalene H.