Growing to learn about myself more has been a long, tumultuous journey as I accumulated diagnosis after diagnosis. I find myself analyzing every week, fearing a manic episode, or a downward spiral, both of which have ruined my life before. Bipolar to me has been the cyclical death of life as I knew it, the reset butt on nobody asked for. I can find myself in a position of control over my daily life only to have mania catch in the back of my brain, pulling me up into the stratosphere like the cracking voice of a pubescent boy. I can find myself in a job I love, only to crash down through the glass ceiling of my emotional wellbeing.
Bipolar is such a frustrating illness to have. I'm never quite sure if what I am feeling is happiness or illness, bliss? Is that a "normal" emotion to have, let's roll with it being fine. I think my main point of contempt is how great mania can feel, the self image of a goddess, reveling in the destruction of those around you as you seep into their minds, turning those you want into obedient playthings to enact your sexual whims onto. In the state of Mania, I am insufferable, yet it seems people love me regardless. Mania is by far the most outwardly destructing and toxic symptoms I have. Mania can overload my circuits till I am utterly unrecognizable, my morals switched off. Another main reason I fear mania, is the brain damage that it can cause, brain damage that may be permanent.
Alongside my mania is the ever- present threat of the strong gravity depression brings to the table. For me, depression feels as though each of my traumatic memories are floating to the surface to greet me simultaneously. Depression for me is characterized by the deep greed for serotonin it gives me, something I seem incapable of retaining in this state. I find myself ripping apart atom by atom as intrusive thoughts or suicide, and woe plague every second of my life. Depression is what sent me to the mental hospitals both times. I hope not to find myself in this state again, one in which I crave the sight of my own blood on the tip of my scalpel more than I have ever craved before.
Within my Bipolar, I typically have six month to year long episodes, whereas my BPD is much more like a flash pasteurization of emotion, an extremely strong, yet brief moment. I find myself most often getting this in a positive way, due to being well medicated, I find myself over- joyed at seeing my cat, or a picture of a platypus. I used to have intense anger problems, leaving me a very violent person, which, while I no longer condone, I believe may have saved my life more than a few times. My BPD does take some checking in as I tend to pedestalize people, tend to think they are wholly unflawed, leaving me open t0 an assortment of maladies. I find that my BPD does make me better than some others at mirroring, though, and it can help in interpersonal and professional ventures alike.
I do find myself riding the ever climbing moods and using my energy as though it is endless, leading me to fall ill or crash into a bed of broken glass. I will allow myself to have two full time jobs both of which are demanding emotionally or physically, not leaving time to eat and not resting properly. I have found that while I may be capable of maintaining this for bursts, I am, in fact, chronically ill and need to practice self- care as much as anyone else.