Living with a Panic Disorder and Everything in Between
A little glimpse into my life, coping with a mental illness.
Living with a mood disorder has been the hardest "obstacle" in my life; I say obstacle because that is exactly what it is. My disorder blocks my way and prevents me from making progress within. Throughout my teenage years I always had a gut-wrenching feeling that something was wrong with me, I didn't believe my thoughts were normal and it scared me; my mindset was in shambles and I had no idea how to cope.
It was all very confusing, I didn't know why I felt and acted the way I did, I even started questioning and doubting my own sanity. The simplest tasks became unbearable, I could no longer get out of bed in the morning to work on my schooling; nor did I want to. I felt so many emotions all at once and I couldn't handle it; every little thing became too much. I wanted to be the cheerful, outgoing girl I used to be, unfortunately that wasn't me anymore.
For the longest time I have always felt like an outcast within my peer group, I had been convinced that I wasn't worthy enough to have people that cared about me. I was oblivious, stuck in a delusion that something was better than it actually was. People mistreated and belittled me badly until I couldn't fight back anymore; my mental health was dwindling and I had no one left. I felt achingly alone and it drove me insane. I despised being alone. When you're alone, you are left with your thoughts, which continued to haunt me. When I was alone I often had thoughts about how life would be if I wen't away at that very moment, I often questioned if anyone would actually notice or have a care.
It was then that I knew that something was very wrong, it's not normal to have those thoughts everyday; it's not normal to think about harming myself in order to cope. I desperately needed answers and wanted to help myself, I couldn't take it anymore. I went to a doctor and explained how I was feeling for a long time daily and the struggles I continued to have: the deep feeling of sadness and worry that wouldn't go away, damaged self-image, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc. I felt a sense of relief after telling someone, I was one step closer to bettering myself. I was diagnosed with depression, panic disorder and a mood disorder. It was a lot to take in and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to handle my emotions and do what was right for myself in order to cope; it was a daily challenge with multiple highs and lows.
Overtime I found myself within and began putting my feelings and concerns first, focusing on myself was the best decision I finally made. I learned new healthy ways to cope and it helped me tremendously, for the first time I actually felt like I was going to be okay. I had such a negative and distorted perception on life and everything in between, it had taken be a long time but I opened my eyes and changed my perspective.
Focusing on your wellbeing is very important, you are important; it's okay to put your mental health first and focus on what is critical. Your mental illness does not control you and your life, I know it is hard but don't let it. You can do anything you set your mind to, even among the struggles and setbacks you have. Don't give up.