Psyche logo

Living in Delusions

by Meltem ARIKAN about a year ago in disorder
Report Story

One-person play

I was surprised to find myself lost in this colourful riverside. However, I have always had a deep connection with myself in nature. How had I gotten so far away from myself? How and when did the voices in my head manage to control me so much that I forgot myself? To fall into an endless dark rabbit hole again without even realising it…

I see sharp swords that glow in the dark. It's like they're all ready to attack me—blades, darkness, fear, pain and sadness. I’m out of breath...

Why are the swords trying to attack me? Knowing that I created these swords myself right now doesn't help me at all. To recreate myself and my reality every second. To clean my body, my soul and my heart again and again. Can something that disappears be brought into existence? Is there to be or not? In the unity of reality and non-existence…

It surprises me every time to see how much judgment I have. It reminds me of her. Once upon a time, I trusted her more than anyone. She hides the monster inside her so well that everyone gets lost in her beautiful face and fantastic acting. Including myself... Her judgments, pains, dissatisfactions and the life that is not the way she wants in life... Always getting close and constantly slipping from her palms. Her wealth, fame, handsome lovers, the clothes she renewed every year, her jewellery, the latest model cars, houses… I never understood why it wasn't enough for her… Why doesn't she feel complete even though she has everything more than me… Why is her existence always lacking…

I don’t want to think about her or anyone from my past. Past like a swamp taking wallows up. ​​Even though I’m trying very hard to understand myself… Understanding or not understanding... Why is it so hard for me to understand the darkness in my own blindness… How painful it is to be blind to myself the most… Believing that one sees others clearly in one’s own blindness… Feeding on the applause of others… Growing up with the love of others… Not understanding that the cure for blindness is not others… So blindness to think that you have found the light within.

Living in one's own delusions... Thinking the reflections of the illusions are real. As you think... Facts, delusions... Tangled like a knot... Lost in knots... As reality and delusions chase each other...

Out of the darkness, I cannot reach the nature that surrounds me. I see the greenery, hear the sound of the stream flowing right next to me; the wind caresses my cheek, my hair touching my face, but the darkness is so intense like gravity that I can't get over it...

Am I really in the dark? Perhaps for the first time, I think that maybe I’m blind, noticing, understanding, accepting, reaching awareness, bringing to life. Bringing to life… Words, definitions, phrases… Life is constantly pulling it in like an intense whirlwind and tearing itself apart from itself. Tastes, sweets, pleasures, needs, they should be, they shouldn't be... Never-ending desires and expectations. My self shrinks as the desires get smaller. I deny my blindness as the sparks and radiance of my desires increase. How can I be blind when I see so much radiance?

Living like the lightness of a drop of mint and the awareness that the moments experienced are our delusions. Maybe if I accept that I’m living in fantasies, I will start to see the greenery surrounding me and perhaps not feel lost…

When I realise that I’m knitting my life with my delusions, loop by a thread, every day, I will perceive that life is a one-person play and the audience has no importance in this play.

disorder

About the author

Meltem ARIKAN

I'm an author. I written 11 books and five plays. I was short-listed for the Freedom of Expression Award for my play ‘Mi Minor’, because of this play, I had to leave Turkey live in Wales and Turkish court seeking life sentences for me

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2022 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.