Life With a Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

Life With a Personality Disorder

The 9 big signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), identity disturbance, chronic feelings of emptiness, stress-related paranoid ideation, impulsivity in two areas, suicidal or self-mutilative behavior, affective instability, inappropriate anger, and avoidance of abandonment are divided into three larger categories; disturbed relatedness, behavior dysregulation, and affective dysregulation.

Personally, I suffer from all 9; however, in order to be diagnosed you must only suffer from any combination of 5. I also suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, OCD, Insomnia, and Trichotillomania. BPD is similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) because with BPD there are multiple versions of the same personality within my brain although, with DID there are two or more distinctly different personalities within one person.

During this age of corona virus my BPD symptoms are getting harder for me to control and cope with. I’m restless and stressed. This is where the stress-related paranoia comes in. Combine that with my PTSD that I developed from being stalked at age 12 and you get chaos. My mind is constantly on alert which means I am not getting much sleep. My mood swings are occurring more often and it’s from one end of the spectrum to the other in a matter of minutes. The logical part of my brain knows it is inappropriate, but the emotional part of my brain has a larger control over me. There are days where the different sides of my personality all come out at some point. Those days are the most exhausting. It feels like I am pretending to be someone else, and in reality I kind of am but mostly to avoid my problems. My brain will also adjust my mood and personality if I began to suffer from a panic attack, flashback, nightmare, or some other reminder of my past trauma. This is when the inappropriate anger starts to show itself in me. Everything will make me angry at this point, especially loud noises.

The hardest part about living with BPD is the inability to control my emotions. I only experience euphoric happiness or extreme depression/emptiness. If an emotion or feeling is strong enough to either extreme it turns into anger for no reason. I have a very unstable personal life because of this, and it hurts my relationships with family and friends sometimes.

There are some drugs that help aid in coping with BPD but there is not a cure. The best type of therapy for those with BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) although it is sometimes challenging to get into. In the 2.5 years that it has been since I was diagnosed I have yet to take part in DBT because of my lack of medical insurance, and the lack of therapists in my area with the certification or experience to administer it to me. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) or "talk therapy" as it is more commonly known has also helped me learn how to cope with everything, but it has not helped me gain any control over anything.

The most important thing for you to know is the having a personality disorder does not make you worthless. It does not make you a freak. BPD is often developed as a response to childhood trauma. Just like you did not deserve what happened to you, you do not deserve to suffer from such a terrifying disorder. The world is a better place with you in it. I would rather listen to your story than to read your obituary. If you are struggling please reach out to someone (feel free to contact me) who will not judge you and that you can trust. Medical help is also available and despite all the stigma it can help. It can make it easier. It will help alleviate some of the stress and pressure that you feel, please just reach out!

personality disorder
Madison Neal
Madison Neal
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Madison Neal

I'm 20, I'll mostly be writing about my struggles and stories of living with mental illness. I am a sassy, classy, creative and shy girl who has yet to find something more calming than writing.

See all posts by Madison Neal