Hey, it 's me again!
How are you? How was your day? Well, mine was... well... I don't know.
Today has been one of those days, when you don't want to do anything and everything at the same time. A day where you feel guilty whether you do everything or do nothing.
I felt anxious and nervous for half of the day. With my heart beating like if I was running for hours and my head spinning around the world. I didn't know how to feel today. I didn't know how to be or what to do. Today was... Today was not a great day. But I think it is part of the process.
I still feel tired, probably a lot of the stress and tiredness piled up are releasing now.
I don't really know what to say honestly... I did a bit of both courses today, I workout and I planned tomorrow.
It has been three day that I have been planning to film three videos: a duologue, a monologue and my first youtube video. They are great, it is me who isn't. I don't feel like filming, which is weird, because it's my favourite thing in the world, but my mood is not in the right place! And it's stupid! I can do it tomorrow, I still have time, but I want to do it! I WANT to do it. Maybe tomorrow, I stick with the plan of waking up early, starting the day with the videos, so then I carry on with a good mood and more normal things to do, like studying and the class at night, with a break for a workout.
I don't know if that is too much or if I am not doing enough or if it is actually enough. I feel the pressure of the responsibility of using the time to build the future I want and I think I deserve. If I relax and enjoy a holiday, I can't complain if I live a horrible life and I don't like it. But at the same time, I feel like I have no time for me, no time for sitting on the couch and watching a film or just doing nothing scrolling Instagram. I don't know but I don't want to waste time, you know?
I had amazing red nails for the film I just did. They were long, pointy, sexy and powerful. Now I am losing them! I mean, it’s normal, nothing wrong at all, they even lasted longer that what they usually do! They lasted for three months! The only thing I had to do was the refill. I was feeling like a Goddess! But now, their hour has come and my fingers look like the mouth of a five years old: some nails yes, some nails no.
You know, writing to you lifted my mood, I feel so much better. Now, I have the right energy to start a new day, with a lot of amazing things to start and continue and create! I am an artist, I can’t stop creating!
I think the real problem here is that I have never been so still in one place before. Or I always avoided it. I always wanted a busy life, as soon as I stopped doing stuff and not running everywhere, I always felt so sad and angry… like if I was depressed for some reason. I don’t know why, I am sure it is part of the complex “not being enough”. And now I am forced at home, sitting on a chair, working on my laptop… Well, I guess we just found out that the office life isn’t for me!
Now I have to go, I hope to see you tomorrow,
Love, G.
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.