Life of an Addict (Pt. 6)

I guess I looked at this as graduating. I went from prescription pain pills to what was looked at as the worst drug there was. You never think your gonna end up the way you do, when you're using. I mean, an addict knows what their doing is not right. It's not the smartest thing to be doing either. But, the euphoric feeling you get every time you use, always seems to put those rational thoughts, on the back burner.Young you know, deep down, that what your doing is wrong. I remember telling myself, "this feels to damn good to be bad." Of course when you're sick, or chasing that fix, your mind races, your anxiety goes through the roof and you ask yourself, "why the hell can't I just stop?" But you know, that once you score, no matter what you had to go through to make it happen, it was worth it to you. All those worries and bad mental and physical feelings are going to go right out the window. The thought of how that fix is going to make you feel, keeps you doing whatever it is you do, to experience that feeling every single day. More than once a day if at all possible. Yeah! I had truly became an addict. I’m sure, by the definition of an addict, I had been one for longer than I had admitted. That was one thing with me, I was never one to deny that I had a problem. At least not after I had gotten to the point where my parents knew what I was doing. They always told me that if I ever needed their help, all I had to do was ask. Of course, I didn't believe them at first. What parent doesn’t want to know exactly what’s going on in their kids lives?

After about two years of using heroin, I realized I couldn't just quit on my own. I had tried almost every drug known to man before that point in my life. But, I was always able to just quit like it was nothing. So I led myself to believe that I had a very strong will power and could overcome anything and everything that was thrown in front of me. I realized I was wrong about that. Once I was addicted to opiates, the shit was a whole new monster. My mind knew I was getting bad and needed to quit, but my body said, "Oh no sir, you need this shit like you need the blood that pumps through your veins, and without it, you will feel like death.”

That feeling is like you have a flu virus that came from some far off land, 5000 miles away from civilization. A flu that no over the counter medicine will be able to touch. Because the only thing that will take that horrible feeling away, once you have it, is to do more heroin. Is it making a little sense now? You can't quit the shit because you will feel worse than you have ever felt, unless you do more to make yourself feel better. Isn't that a real mind fuck?

Once I knew that I was never going to be able to quit on my own, I humbly and nervously went to my father and told him I had a problem, and guess what, he said he would do anything he could to help me get off it.He was also glad that I had come to him for help. Now I was about 22-years-old at this time. I had started the OXY when I was about 19. Used the pills for about a year and then started using heroin at about 20.