Life isn’t easy

I apologize if there’s any misspellings. I wrote this few years back. Again, I apologize.

Hi, I’m Woojin. I’m here to tell you my story and my struggles. I might cry, so bear with me.

I grew up in a broken home. It was all cupcakes and rainbows at first, but then my father started to drink all the time. It was to the point where he would come home drunk and start stupid arguments with either my mom or me and my brother. He would hit on us and just be very controlling. There was this one time, when he slapped my mom and I couldn’t stand it anymore. So I rammed him into the wall. That wasn’t a very good idea. He picked me up by the shirt and threw me across the room. I was only eight, I didn’t know what else to do.

Whenever he would hit us, mom would always use herself as a shield. I would always cry when she did that, cause she didn’t deserve it and neither did we.

Dad went to rehab and stayed sober for two years. But then, he and mom got into an argument about who was gonna take custody of us after the divorce. Angry, he walked out, the door slamming behind him. Mom looked very HURT when she looked at Woojen and Me. Her expression stabbed me in the heart. I was starting to pity her. And everyone that knows me, knows that I HATE pity.

There’s been nights where my father didn’t come home. My twin, Woojen and I would be relieved, but my mother would worry. She would go to sleep at one AM in the morning, waiting for father. I didn’t like it. Not.At.All.

I remember this memory like it was yesterday. My father been gone all day, didn’t even call once. It was around ten-thirty when he finally decided to call. He called to say that he already put in for the divorce and coming to get his stuff tomorrow. It took us twins by surprise. And so did our mother. Tears spilled out of her eyes like a never ending waterfall. Woojen and I stood there not knowing what to do. Woojen being a loving and caring person, asked if she was ok. Next, thing you know, she’s beating on him just like father. His cries of pain were enough to make me toughen up. NOBODY messes with my brother!!! I rammed her into the wall. Her piercing eyes of hatred, stared into the depths of my soul. But I didn’t have time for a staring contest, my brother’s life was at risk! I grabbed Woojen’s arm and sprinted for our room. Once we got in, I locked the door. I slid down to the floor, back to the door with my head in my hands. Woojen leaned down next to me and lifted my head up. Looking at him, I couldn’t help but to start crying. My brother was all I had and I afraid of losing him. He’s the piece of family that isn’t broken, or so I thought. Staring at me, he started shedding tears. I pulled him close, kissed his forehead, and hugged him,telling him I loved him.

I remember waking up, Woojen still in my arms. My body hurt really bad, even though I didn’t do anything to cause it to hurt. Woojen opened his eyes and looked at me. I gave him a really strained smile. He gave one back, before getting up to change his clothes. I continued to sit there, last night’s memories replaying in my head over and over. I buried my head in my hands and cried once more. It’s just the tears wouldn’t stop. No matter how much I tried to hold them in. I looked up at Woojen and smiled. A real smile this time, like I’d officially broken and gone crazy. I started to laugh hysterically, still looking at him. Woojen stared at me with a hint of fear singing in his eyes. I got up and grabbed the x-acto knife off my dresser. I rolled up my sleeve and put the knife to my wrist. Then, I made my first cut, and continued up my forearm. Woojen stood there in shock, eyes wide, not knowing what to do. But I could tell that he was afraid I would use the knife on him, if he tried to stop me. And before you know it, blood trickled down my arm and wrist down onto the floor, like tear drops. In that moment, I felt all my worries float away. And with that I continued, but then Woojen gathered the courage and grabbed the knife out of my hand. He threw it on the floor and kicked across the room.

He grabbed my arm and licks the blood, his tongue and saliva causing my cuts to sting. I flinch, but then stopped eventually. Woojen quits and pulls me into a hug. He lets go and his eyes of brokenness pierced my black, already broken soul. Why not break it some more?! I was done with all this crap and wanted to die! Like I’ve never said those words in my life….ever!! But this time i'm completely fed up with everyone and everything! I wanted to end my life then and there.

There was something that came over me, in the midst of me wanting to end my life….an idea popped into my head. I couldn’t control my thoughts. So, I smiled at Woojen and pushed him off, walking towards the door and opening it. I went into the kitchen, Woojen following, and yanked open the drawer. In the drawer lied father’s gun. The one he told us about for protection, in case of a break-in or something. I grabbed the gun and put to my head. I had my hand on the trigger, ready to pull it. Woojen watched me in disbelief, like super shocked. I turned to Woojen as tears streamed down my eyes and mouthed “I love you.” He had tears humming down his face, shaking his head and repeatedly saying no. On and on, I kept saying that I was sorry and hoped that he would forgive me for this. On the verge of pulling the trigger, Woojen ran towards me and tried to grab the gun out of my hands. But in the mist of that he ended up….getting….s-s-shot.

He was shot in his abdomen. His eyes screamed gratefulness as he fell backwards and held his side. I let go of the gun, sending it to the floor, then sprinted to Woojen’s side. I finally came back to my senses, fully sobbing.

I rushed to get my phone and dial 9-1-1. They finally pick up after what seems like forever and told what had happened. Five minutes pass, and I heard sirens going off….just on and on. Everything is going on at once...its too overwhelming. My eyes get heavy and everything went dark.

I woke up in a hospital, on a cot, the bright lights blinding me. I tried to sit up, but my body refused and then I leaned over the cot and puked. The image of Woojen lying on the floor...bleeding, knowing that it was my fault, made me sick to the stomach. The nurse rushed in at the sound of me retching and rubbed my back. Her soft touch made me retch more and tears join in on the conversation. She tells me to let it all out and says it’s going to be ok. But I know that it’s not going to be, even when people say it is. I couldn’t stop the tears pouring from my eyes. I stopped retching and flinched for a second. The nurse rubbed my back and I flinched again, still crying like a child. I wanted to die...once again. My selfish ways caused my only piece of family...only piece of sanity that I have, to get hurt...because of my need..my wanting to die.

Ah, depression is a common thing for me...it also has a friend that tags along whose name is...suicidal thoughts. They’re the best of friends, but sometimes suicidal thoughts take action. I have in fact, overdosed on pills. And the only person who noticed was Woojen. He’s the one who called the police and sat with me in his arms. But this time, he got shot because of my selfish needs for dying. I feel ashamed, really ashamed….sigh.

The nurse ask me if I needed anything and I answered no. She got up and then walked toward the door. I spoke up and asked when could I see my brother. She told me that I could see him today but that he’s in a coma. A medical coma, so that he could heal. I told her thank you and lay down on my side. I held my stomach, still sick.

Two hours passed by and the nurse came back in. She brought me some apple juice and saltine crackers. I looked at her and then turned back on my side. She told me that I had to eat something, but I refused. I wasn’t in the mood for anything, especially after what happened. Then, she told that in order for me to see my brother, I had to eat. I sighed and sat up. She walked toward me with the crackers and the juice. I grabbed the crackers and took a bite, crushing it up. I gagged, as the mushed up food went down my throat. I hate this so much. I sat the packet of crackers on my bed, took the apple juice and chugged it down. I then looked at the nurse, thinking are you happy now?! She takes the cup and the crackers and walks out.

I sighed, a long, deep, depressing sigh. I pulled my knees up to my chest, burying my head inside them. Doing that bought me back to that depressing memory. Why am I so stupid?! If I could just be normal and have a normal life, I wouldn't even be here...Woojen wouldn't even be here. He's only here because of me. I sighed again, lost in my thoughts. If only I could disappear, that would be so much better. But I can't, sadly and it's annoying. I layed down on my side again, exhausted.

The nurse came back in and told me it was time to see Woojen, well if I wanted to at the time. I sat up, looked at her and nodded. I got up out the bed and followed her to Woojen´s room. I walked into the room and in there he layed. Peacefully...asleep...in a coma. I took very little steps, leading up to his bed. Afraid like I was gonna wake him if I moved too fast. I slipped Woojen´s hand into mine, feeling his pulse from his wrist. As soon as I did that, tears gushed down my face. I looked at his face and said “I'm sorry” a thousand times. I hung my head down in shame, still crying. I couldn't look at Woojen knowing that I put him in this situation. I bawled and bawled hard. I didn't want to see him like this. I brought his hand up to my heart and apologized once again.

I could see the nurse tearing up from the corner of my eye. She put her hand up to her mouth, quietly crying. I lifted my head and glanced at her, my vision blurry due to the tears building up in my eyes. She closed her eyes, tears finally falling from her face. I walked up to her and just stood in front of her not knowing what to do. She stared down at me with sympathy and a very light hint of pity. I winced when I looked into her eyes. I hate pity, don’t want it, don’t need it, and I won’t give it either.

The nurse closed her eyes, like she was reading my mind. Then she knelt down, giving me a hug. I cried even harder, burying my head in her shoulder. Rubbing my back, she whispered in my ear and told me to lift my head. I did what she said and lifted my head. She looked into my eyes, wiping my tears away. I sniffed, still hurt and broken.

She led me back to my room, onto my bed. She looked at me and told me her name was nurse Mya. I nodded and smiled shyly. I then, lied back, closed my eyes and went to sleep. Hoping that Woojen would soon wake up from his coma very, very soon.

A few weeks passed, Woojen hasn’t woken up yet and I´m still very sorry. I hope he can forgive me for this...I really hope. If he doesn´t, I don't know how I’d live with myself. A knock at the door, disturbed me in my thought process. I looked up and saw my mother standing at the door. I turned my head away, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She walked to me and held out her arms for me. I shook my head no, taking another breath to keep myself from crying.

“Sweetie don't be like that…” Mom said, sighing

I shook my head again and the tears finally came running down my face.

“What do you mean ´Don't be like that´” I laughed. Like is she serious right now?! I continued to laugh. “Where were you the past few days, huh?! Why weren’t you home to take care of us?!” I tried really hard to hold down my anger, but it started to bubble in my veins..soon enough it was going to erupt. Mom looked at me like I was crazy, I mean I was but she should’ve realized that already. I looked at her, she raised her hand and slapped me across the face...didn’t even flinch once.

“You have no right to question me!” Mom shouted, but I didn’t care. She glared at me, her breaths very ragged and heavy. I turned my head towards the window and shut my eyes once again. I needed to do something to keep me from exploding.

“You are still my son and should respect me as your mother!” She yelled, then leans in and slaps me again. My cheek started to hum tunes of pain, but I ignored it.

“So now you’re ignoring me?!” Mom asked, sounding hurt. “You’ll end up just like your father!! Leaving your family for your selfish needs!!” I didn’t turn around to look at her. She storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I don’t know what it is but that comment really hit my deepest insecurities. She said I’d end up like my father...I don’t wanna be or end up like him. I picked up the tv remote and threw it across the room, my blood boiling. I sat there in silence, taking in all that had happened. The tears came flooding on my face, non stopping. I screamed,loud and hard. I couldn’t stay silent anymore. I needed to scream for so long. No one understood my pain, and you know why..because they haven’t been through what I have. It’s sickening and pure torture . I screamed and cried like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Someone knocked at the door again, acknowledging my immaturity. I glanced up to see who it was, and standing there was the person I wanted to see the most. Woojen had his hand over mouth, tears coursing down his face. I got up off my cot and ran towards him, hugging him. He winced a bit and I let go. I apologized and lowered my head. Woojen hoisted my head up to meet his, smiling.

“It’s fine. As long as you’re alive and ok, I’m gonna be ok.” He giggled. I smiled. It’s been awhile since I’ve smiled. I hugged Woojen again, still sorry.