Life Changes

Anxiety is a bitch. Sorry for the language but that is the only word I could come up with to capture what it's really like.

Lately, I have been doing things that my anxiety is not very happy with. Although I'm doing what's best for me, my anxiety does not like what is best for me.

On March 10, I walked across the stage of my community college and received my Associate's Degree in arts. A week later on the 17th, I officially got my high school diploma. And in just a few short months, I will be starting a four-year university; my journey to becoming a Pre-K special needs teacher.

Let's take a five-year step back to my freshman year of high school. I never thought that I was going to graduate high school. I HATE school and thinking about spending four years in what was basically prison sounded like hell. I also don't particularly enjoy people. So spending eight hours a day in rooms crowded with obnoxious, smelly, judgey people made high school even less tolerable. My anxiety was not the best supporter throughout the terrible four years of high school. "No one likes you. You have no friends. You're alone. No one will ever like you. Might as well drop out now cause you're never going to graduate." But I did it. I graduated with honors and I had already completed more than half of my Associate's degree. Take that anxiety!

One year later I completed my degree and walked across the stage. Every semester I loaded up on classes, I took as many as I could so that I could graduate with that degree. Everyone said that college was going to be different, that it is so much better than high school. Well, I listened to those people and they were so wrong. Community college sucked. Saving thousands of dollars by staying close to home to get my degree was wonderful. But I hated every minute of it.

I was excited and also shocked and anxious for what the future had in store for me. Getting my degree was a step closer to changing the lives of special needs kids. At this point in my life, I was also working two part-time jobs and preparing for a big move.

On June 1, I made a big move five hours away from all of my family and friends. It was something that I never imagined myself doing, especially since my anxiety kept telling me that I was not going to be able to do this.

"What are you thinking Cheyenne? You cant move away! You're going to fail. Don't worry about that new apartment you're moving into, you're not going to be there long. You're gonna crawl back home. You're not going to be good enough. You're never good enough!"

You are never going to be good enough. One sentence that is playing in my head. At first, those thoughts hurt. Words hurt, especially when they are said from your own brain. But then those words are repeated. Thousands of times. At that point, the words don't hurt anymore. They are words that you accept and are used to. Which is actually sadder than when the words were said the first time. Because hearing that you're not good enough should never be words that you are used to hearing. But with anxiety, you get used to a lot of things, cause no matter how hard you try, the words, thoughts, demons if you will, will never go away.

I got engaged a few weeks ago, one of the happiest moments of my life and my anxiety did a happy dance. I have been with the same person for about four years. I never thought that we would get past our summer fling four years ago. I never expected to fall so deeply in love with him, move in with him, and NEVER in a million years did I expect to marry him. I fell in love with him the first month that we were together. And from that moment on, my anxiety was thrilled! The other person inside of me was so excited to tell me all of the different ways I could screw that up. Question all of my own intentions as well as his. Second guess my own feelings and second guess his feelings for me over and over and over again.

He and I used to have the conversation three times in one month:

Me: "Are you sure you like me? Are you sure you have feelings for me? Cause you can tell me! I won't burden you any longer."

Him: "No, I don't like you. I love you. Yes, I have feelings for you and I WANT to be with you. You're not a burden, you're my life."

Every time. It was exhausting to feel like I was not good enough for him. It was heartbreaking for the both of us because I never believed that he actually loved me. Who could love someone who didn't love themselves? How could he love me when I constantly questioned his love for me?

So when he proposed, for a moment, I was happy. And then my brain came off the love high and the anxiety kicked in. "Does he actually love you Cheyenne? This is just a show! You're not good enough for him Cheyenne. Look at you! Pft, who could love you?"

That night we had that same conversation.

Me: "Are you sure you want to marry me? Are you sure you love me? You could be with someone so much better."

Him: "Cheyenne. You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I don't want to be with anyone else. Because there is no one else, there is no one better than you. And there is no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with."

We have had this conversation more times than anyone else has. It's frustrating for him, I know that. Especially cause I can hear it when he breathes as soon as I start the sentence. I can see it in his eyes. But he knows and although it's frustrating he knows it's my brain. He knows that I cant help how my brain thinks. And he has been very helpful, loving, accepting, and there. He has been there. Always.

My anxiety is a fighter. She does not like that there is someone who fights with her. But my goodness she is having a field day with all these big changes in my life.

I have made it this far. I am a young woman who suffers from anxiety on the daily. But I made it this far. I am not going to stop either. My anxiety does not stop me from living my life the way I want to. It's just going to doubt me and discourage me every chance it gets. But I'm going to fight back.

Everyone else who suffers from anxiety should too. We are all fighters. And, we have made it this far, so why not push on. Go that extra mile.