Letting Go : The Emergency Exit
and the building blocks of self-love
I believe that what we call our personality, this aggregation of subtle and predominant attitudes, philosophies, fears, tastes and impulses, this assembling of conflicting thoughts, ideas and other inner battles, is the result of all the experiences that we had to face during our respective lives. Thinking that it's a fixed attribute can't be further from the truth. It's evolving as we adapt to our reality. Of course genetics play a part ; there's things that we can't avoid nor choose, but, all things considered, I'll forever maintain that personality is more nurtural than natural.
I'm bipolar type II. The mental illness started intruding my mind in my early 20's, after many shot to the heart. See, the thing is ; I've been alone for all my life. I've never had a girlfriend, neither have I had sex and I've never been on the receiving end of the words ''I love you''. I've had breakdowns more times than I can count and I've cried oceans, I've punched walls fists deep in the foundations and I've broke cellphones enough to make Apple's stock prices rise, but I've never abandonned myself. I'm resilient as an ant. The thing I must confess though : I've quite given up on life itself. I've been told to trust life since I learned how to walk, but would you trust someone who always deceived you, disappointed you, betrayed you and humiliated you? I know I wouldn't. To free my mind, I had to stop caring so much and liberate myself from the pitfalls of expectations. Now I live by the motto : just do you. The one who refrains from doing things he wants and loves in the fear of disappointing others or worrying about those last's judgement disrupts his personality and prevents it to develop into something more than the reflect of society's norms and needs. Being weird and eccentric is my way of coping with this mad world. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there should be no restriction in society, I'm just implying that somehow, loosening my grip on reality and shutting the blinds on self-consciousness paradoxally made me feel in control for once. Forging my personality, playing with it while staying true to myself and to my principles makes me feel like I'm the master of my own life. I don't hide behind masks or shells because I need my true face to see the light.
Now that I see clearer, I realize all the things that influenced who I've become. My father has always been absent and nonchalant. He's a sheepish yes-man with crippling habits like gambling and smoking while he doesn't have a penny to give for his two children support pension. My sister and I have given him an unspeakable number of chances to redeem himself as a father but we grew tired of trying in vain to change someone who doesn't want to change. That being said, I realize that I've always built my personality in direct opposition to his. You could say that I've basically created myself. Heck I even changed my name legally! I'm an eccentric, extraverted, theatrical and sometimes arrogant man and I love myself.
Now that we're deep into confessions, I'll admit it : I'm scared of love more than a kid fears the monster under his bed, because all I know about it is linked to pain, rejection and loneliness. Lovers swarm like flies around me everywhere I go and I see people taking their beloved for granted, I see people mistreating their relashionship and act as if love is so banal and partners so replacable. That makes me want to puke. I feel like they're not aware of how lucky they are.
There are voices I haven't heard for years that still haunt my mind and make my eyes leak. The toughest thing about it all is that those people that I still remember vividly probably have almost forgotten about me, like an old acquaintance, while I was and still am ready to pull my heart out for them. One thing I know for sure though : when I'll find the one, when I'll finally know what it's like to be loved, I will begin to care again and I will be the best person for her. In the meantime, I do what makes me feel good and nothing else. Life is too short to subdue ourselves to social norms and repress our personality in order to fit in. Maybe I'll never fit in, and I accept it.