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Anxiety and Me

By Tilly MontgomeryPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Heart-pounding and it feels huge—massive, like it's taking up my full chest. My lungs feel crushed, I can't catch my breath, and I think I’m going to pass out! Isn’t it warm? Hot! Very hot in here, I’m sweating, and my top is sticking to me! I’m slumped against the wall, clutching my chest. What is wrong with me?! Maybe this is it, maybe this is how I die… I think I’m having a heart attack!

No, I wasn’t having a heart attack, this is what my first experience of having a panic attack felt like. It was truly terrifying—feeling so out of control of my body, feeling like it was failing me, and feeling like I was going to die!

I just had to ride it out, let the sensations take over, and let them run their course.

The scary part about it was that there was no obvious reason for it. I wasn’t in some terrible, frightening situation where you could understand me reacting in such a manner. I had simply been walking down the high street when I started to feel a bit panicky.

I ended up riding out the worst of it in a toilet cubicle in Asda.

I’ve had several panic attacks since. I don't think any will stay with me in a way that the first one will. I know what it is now, and while it’s still unpleasant and at times scary, simply knowing what’s going on and that I’m not having a heart attack—I’m not dying—does make it that bit easier to manage.

I was filled with embarrassment after that first time. When I went to my GP, truly believing there must be something really wrong with me, only for him to tell me it sounded like a panic attack.

He was very sympathetic and understanding, and he tried to help me get to the bottom of what could’ve possibly triggered it (I still don’t know).

But I couldn’t shake my embarrassment. I also couldn’t shake the fear of it happening again and the lack of control that came with it. What if one came on somewhere where there was nowhere quiet for me to go and hide to ride it out? What would I tell people? How would I explain it to them when I don’t truly understand it myself?

My GP referred me to a therapist, and with her help, we unearthed a few factors which may trigger panic attacks for me. We practised recognising symptoms of anxiety before they reach such heightened levels that they lead to a panic attack. We practised breathing techniques, distraction, and grounding techniques, all of which I’ve found really useful.

I’m not completely free from panic attacks and anxiety, and I don't know that I’ll ever be. That used to unsettle me, I didn't want to be “stuck” with anxiety all my life and I felt like it would ruin my life. However, it doesn’t. Whilst I still have anxiety, it’s at a level now where mostly I’m able to live my life exactly how I want it, and the anxiety is there as a gentle hum in the background and doesn’t interfere too much.

Yes, during more stressful times, she can pop up more forcefully! But thankfully, using those techniques I learnt or speaking to my GP, has so far been enough for me to keep it at a manageable level.

I think it’s always going to be a part of me. I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not hiding it anymore. It’s who I am.

anxiety
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About the Creator

Tilly Montgomery

Just a small village girl trying to find her way in the world...

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