Legendary Meltdowns

FRIDAY

APRIL 3, 2020

• I woke up to take in 16 ounces of water, with a half of dissolved Nuun tablet, and an Om Immunity Defense Mushroom Superfood Capsule.

• I created art for most of the morning. And then felt like I needed a massive amount of energy to get through the rest of the day. I stretched out on my bed for about an hour. Maybe I slept, maybe I didn't.

• But then I DID get out for a run. 30 minutes, for 1.66 miles.

• I cooked up what I had in the apartment. I blended a can of pinto beans with water and boiled. I added rigatoni and broccoli. Cooked some more. Added seitan. And then I baked. It came out SO GOOD.

• I know an absolutely incredible man. He is the rabbi of Tree Of Life Congregation in Pittsburgh. I was able to join his Shabbat service via Facebook. And it delighted me. I wore a kippah (yarmulke) on my head, but no pants. What can I say? It was weird, but I loved it so much. It truly lifted my spirits.

Jay and I were never married. We neither shared children, nor an apartment. We simply dated, for 11 years, and we were co-workers the entire time. So I wasn't the only one who lost him. An entire off-Broadway theater grieved as well.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were greeting someone, who had just suffered a tragedy? You don't really know what to say to them, do you? Well, I was the recipient of that I-don't-know-what-to-say-ness in the days, weeks, months, and years which followed his death.

As a result, I started having meltdowns at work. Bad ones. I would leave the lobby, hide, and just cry my eyes out. Occasionally, co-workers would find me. Ugh. All I could think was please please please don't find me. Please please please leave me alone. Please don't tell me to write vision words on index cards.

One particular day, in the middle of one of my legendary meltdowns, I ran around panicking over the my unveiled hiding spots, in my gargantuan 150 year old East Village building. I pulled on the nearest door handle, ran through, and suddenly I was on stage. It was a dark, quiet, empty 270 seat theater, which was once the Astor reading room.

Luckily I was alone, and I started to sing my bat mitzvah haftorah. I still have no idea why. I was 41 already. Where did I pull that song out of? I belted actually. I can sing. And when I was done, I was greeted by several co-workers, who didn't know what I just sang. They didn't know what to say.

And for the moment, I was okay.

Truthfully, I can only site read Hebrew. I can't translate, and I don't know what I'm saying.

SATURDAY

APRIL 4, 2020

Eyes opened early enough. Took a Host Defense Turkey Tail, Immune Support with a stiff cup of Taylor's Assam Tea

My weight was 137.4, and according to Garmin, I am two days away from getting my period

I had therapy by phone. And I think that my therapist was food shopping while she was shrinking me on all the people in my life who I miss during Passover. But it kind of worked. I got a lot out of our conversation. I hope she got the bagel she wanted.

Created art.

I did a 30 minute upper body workout. With 1 pound hand weights, and a 6 1/5 pound ruck sack I made myself.

I ran for 38 minutes, during which I completed 2.14 miles. At the end of which I investigated a secret vegan burrito shop in my neighborhood. Will explore further and report back.

Joined the Vivo Life Community.

Sat on my fire escape and wrote.

Took 1/2 Ambien at 10:33pm but didn't crawl into bed until 11:03pm. I think I may have tried to sleep. I think I might have taken another half. I know I ate cookies. I think.

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