Learning to D.A.N.C.E. with Your Demons

Life is a dance. Sometimes we choose the music and glide nimbly across the floor. Often, we are ill-prepared for the tune that turns on. We stumble over our own feet or find someone else stepping on them. We dance alone, choose a partner, and become part of a familial, professional, and/or social troupe. At times, we lead, we follow, dance with giddiness, or cannot wait to get off the floor.

Dance can help us manage demons when they decide to take the lead. Scientists who study the subject believe that dancing dates to our prehistoric ancestors who used those rhythmic gyrations to connect, communicate, and rally during hard times. Dancing is embedded in our psyche and serves as a means of social bonding along with numerous other benefits. When we dance, endorphins are released, we build greater tolerance to pain, and we are generally happier when we partake in the activity.

A quick online search brings up hundreds of dance names, described by choreography, a repertoire of movements, or by a historical period or place of origin. From the Tango to the Wah Watusi to the Futsal Shuffle, dance, like life, evolves but the basic elements remain.

Dancing can contribute to our psychological well-being. In 2015, Hungarian psychologists introduced the Dance Motivation Inventory to assess the motivational basis of recreational social dancing and developed a new psychometric instrument to understand why we dance.

The Dance Motivation Inventory (DMI) identified eight motivational factors through an exploratory factor analysis. Fitness, Mood Enhancement, Intimacy, Socializing, Trance, Mastery, Self-confidence, and Escapism; with Mood Enhancement representing the greatest motivation for men and women. Yet while scientists use research tools to understand why we dance, many of us do simply because we are driven to.

Whether you’ve got moves like Jagger or acquired two left feet, most would agree we are born with an innate desire to move when we hear music. Watch any baby bounce up and down and gyrate as the music plays. While you may not dance today, you most likely shook your bootie as a baby. Unconsciously, most of us will tap a foot or finger, or subtly sway to catchy music. Over time, our self-doubt and fear of criticism throw a monkey wrench into our dancing machine. We become self-conscious and don’t want to invite laughter at our expense. There is much confusion about who wrote, “You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching. Love like you’ll never be hurt. Sing like there’s nobody listening. And live like it’s heaven on earth.” Yet these are words we should live by – or at the very least, try hard to.

But what do demons have to do with dancing? What demons am I talking about? Do we all have demons?

And if you know your demons, why would you willingly dance with them?

When you read the word “demon” what image comes to mind? Do you conjure up visions of a horned creature with a pointed tail? Something evil, a malevolent ghost, or a wicked spirit? In most cultures and religions, demons have been depicted as such and this is perpetuated through mythology, occultism, in the media, and literature. Admittedly, most of us are fascinated by demons; eyes fixated on The Exorcist with the spinning head, pea soup scene, or a good Stephen King thriller. We enjoy a little jolt of fright or a peek into the darkness from time to time.

In the Christian tradition, demons are depicted as fallen angels who joined Satan in his rebellion against God and continue to serve the Devil by luring people away through sin (Revelation 12:7-9). In religion, understanding demons is serious business. In fact, there is a field of study called demonology that examines them through an exegesis of sacred texts. In Japanese culture, the Yōkai are a class of supernatural and can vary from the evil to the impish. Occasionally the Yōkai even bring good luck.

Humans often define words, ideas, emotions, and even people in absolute terms. We use the word “either,” as opposed to “and.” Either an idea is good, or bad, something is right or wrong, people are nice, or nasty. It is difficult for us to hold two opposing thoughts about the same thing in our minds concurrently. In a way, absolutes are comforting, allowing us to believe the world is more predictable and understandable. If we follow the rules, we think we know the outcome. The law of cause and effect. But life doesn’t always work out that way. There are very few absolutes in our lives. Take the word demon.

The original Greek word, daemon (daimon) from which demon is derived did not have a negative meaning. In fact, in Ancient Greek, daimon refers to divine power, guardian spirits who provide protection and guidance, and even angels – but not the kind who defected. Daimon was considered a spiritual being that influenced a person’s character. By today’s common definition, demons adversely affect our character. In extreme cases, some believe in demonic possession. Unwittingly, we often allow demons to take the lead in our life’s dance. In doing so, we are sidelined from fully enjoying life, prevented from becoming the best possible version of ourselves, and limited in making our contribution to society despite our flaws. Can we have demons and still have happy and productive lives? Yes. It is not an “either/or” situation.

When it comes to our demons, there is a broad definition for them as well. From a minor demon like an occasional sweet tooth indulgence to a catastrophic, like drug or alcohol addiction, we all possess one or more demons. Everyone has some type of demon. Some have just learned a better way to dance with them.

D.A.N.C.E. with Your Demons will help you better understand the various demons we all have struggled with as we move through life. But instead of seeing them as insurmountable struggles or debilitating issues – we are going to reframe them by giving them dance names and learning to accept them as a dance partner. The demons we will discuss in this book are not the usual suspects (e.g., depression, anxiety, alcoholism, substance abuse, etc.).

The demons we’re going to review are actually quite common, but not discussed as frequently. We will be looking at ego, anger, dramas, catastrophizing, isms, labels, and judgment. Frankly, you might not consider these demons until you read about them. Still, they are part of a constellation that adversely impact the quality of our life, stunt our potential, and stymie our ability to be better people in our family, community, country, and the world we share. Too often, we spend a lot of time trying to overcome or eliminate our faults. We ruminate on extra pounds (or fill in the blank) focusing on our flaws. We are either slender or fat – in our binary view of life. In a world of absolutes, the joy of the present can be stolen if we don’t learn to accept our imperfections. We can learn to coexist, moving cheek to cheek in a tango with these demons.

Many self-help books focus on how you can improve yourself. Some are fantastic sources of information, some are filled with an esoteric mystery, some mind-numbing mumbo jumbo, some are religious, and well, some are just utter nonsense. Though D.A.N.C.E. with your demons will use some psychological terms, it is not a psychology book. It will simply help you recognize and understand how various approaches are used to help untangle the dance we’ve created. By discussing Aaron Beck’s approach to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) where we learn to identify maladaptive thoughts to better control our emotions and behaviors, and Steve Hays’ acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) where we notice, accept, and embrace them, we can learn to D.A.N.C.E.: Detect, Assess, Neutralize, Choreograph, and Engage. Realize, this is not an empirically studied method, nor is it a treatment. It is a straightforward philosophy. D.A.N.C.E. is simply a tool for us to recognize the mental song playing, discern whether it’s time to change the station, and learn to dance through certain challenges that detract from our wellbeing and quality of life.

D.A.N.C.E. with Your Demons will also refer to spiritual or religious references, but it is not a book on religion. There will also be a little bit of history, but it is used merely to show why somethings evolved a certain way. It will also discuss childhood because, well, this is where it all begins but doesn’t end. This book is simply a straightforward and commonsense guide to learn how to adjust our dance moves. Its aim is not to preach – but teach.

Sometimes, demonic dance partners will take the lead. But the more proficient we become as dancers – we take command. Will the demons disappear? Probably not. Yet as an old Hindu saying goes, “One who cannot dance, blames the floor.” If you step on that floor, you will begin to recognize the pattern of these demon steps and how to navigate the dancefloor of your life with them. So, open your mind, loosen up, and get ready. And 1…and 2…and 3….