Kick Back At Mental Health....

Hi You and welcome to my Vocal.

My life began in a deprived area in the UK and I am a Son to my Mother & Father and a little brother to two elder brothers.

I am now 39 but let’s take you back to as far as I can remember 1985.... I remember the rain hitting my bedroom window as my parents where arguing, It’s was so loud it was like I was in the middle of the conversation in my mind and I was about to be physically too.

My father shouted myself and two elder brothers downstairs it was around 7pm and still raining and not the best of days.... unless it was grim because someone knew what was about to happen inside this little 3 bedroom house.

We knew my father was abusive and aggressive but for some strange reason it didn’t matter because he was still my father and as strange as that sounds I was a child who still adored his parents, anyway we all went downstairs expecting him to shout at us and tell us how useless we where and how I looked like my mum.... that happened just after he lined us up his 3 sons aged 5, 8, 9 years old.

We are stood in the living room watching him shout and get angry and I could see his lips moving but I couldn’t hear him anymore..... the voice came back and said why are you NOT F**king listening to me!!!!

I knew what was about to come and it’s was 3 choices and my choices where:

A Whip

A Cane

A Belt.

Imagine that for children so young picking the tool that will stop you sitting and cause you a lot of pain from what was about to happen?....

I stood gazing at him watching the Evil in his eyes and why would he hurt the ones he loved??? I looked at my mum and seen her tears pouring down her cheeks and thought it’s ok mum... as long as he his doing this to me he is not doing this to you...

Then without notice he picked up a plastic cane and started hitting me across my hands and backside and wow I felt it.... but I remember looking up at my two brothers and for some very strange reason I started laughing ( maybe shock I don’t know ) what I do know is it made him angry and hit me harder saying you cheeky little S**t, after around 5 minutes and blistering hands and backside he stopped and looked at my mother and said HERE ... their your children and walked off.

My mum hugged me so hard and kept apologising for what he had just done to me and because he was that tired from caning me my brothers escaped what they thought was going to be a painful night, I cried wow I was in pain and I was emotionally hurt because my protector, The man I called Dad hurt his youngest, His little boy, his baby, his son....

My mother held me for around a hour crying but the pain had gone just by her kissing my head and holding me saying it’s ok son it will never happen again and I believed her I believed he wouldn’t do that twice.

Three weeks went by and I remember walking home from primary school with my parents in front leading the short walk home and I will always remember a old man who lived on the same road in his garden and he looked over and said how are you little man!

I said fine thanks but I am not allowed to talk to strangers even though you could clearly tell he was genuine and kind like the elders we are supposed to look up to and show kindness and respect but without notice I felt a fist in the back of my head which knocked me to the ground and I turned over to see my father shouting at the old man!!!!

He was calling him a dirty Ba*tard and keep away from his son and if he ever talked to me again he would make sure he wouldn’t forget me.... I felt so humiliated and angry and embarrassed in front of all the other children and parents and then I finally got home to him locking me inside a bedroom cupboard for 5 hours in darkness and a very narrow space crying shouting let me out please I am sorry!

So now I know he won’t change and in my own best interest is to stay away from him and try and pretend I am the son he wanted or maybe the son he didn’t....9pm the door opened and I was told to go to sleep and I remember falling asleep crying... in my little box bedroom.

The next day came and the perfect father appeared waking me up for school and he cuddled me telling me he loved me BUT I should never talk to dirty old men and I apologised and promised it would never happen again, But when I was walking to school with my brothers the neighbours where talking and I could hear every word saying my dad was a very hard man and that no one should mess with him because he was knowing for hurting people which made me think.... who is my father ?.

Weeks went by with the family been great having meals together and playing golf and cricket as we did and my father and mother been amazing together and afterwards he went in the bath and announced he was going to the local Public house and my mum was to meet him at 8pm, He left and my mum was a princess to her children making us feel worthy like we where the most important thing in her life.

I remember waking up around 1:30am been told to come downstairs with my brothers which we did and forced to sit on the sofa and then my father really drunk saying to me YOU are just like her !!! Your mum and with a angry face he slapped my face so hard it felt like my head was going to explode..........

He then sat down in what we called his Chair, he then pulled a Wilkinson sword shaving blade out of a packet and said keep watching and I cried and said no please don’t as he laughed and then placed it against his wrist and pulled all the way up to his elbow creating multiple deep wounds he said they can’t stitch that can they... and he then opened some tablets I now know To be Tamazipam sleeping tablets.

My eldest brother got up and said YOU are pathetic to my father and he ran outside with my middle brother leaving me and my mum and he grabbed us and said you are going nowhere!!!

All I remember after that was a ambulance and police and my father been taking away to the local Mental Health hospital where he stayed for around a week which was so quite and peaceful and we loved and in that time my mum arranged the with the police to move us to a safe house or as we call it in the uk... ( Battered women’s hostel)

Which was around 50 miles away and I remember their was loads of women and kids all escaping abusive men.., I made friends and with a girl and boy around the same age... telling them my story and me hearing theirs.

Then one day around 6 of the mothers said quick call the police there is a man hiding behind the garbage Bins ....my mother looked at me and said Steven it’s your father and the next thing I knew I seen around 14 police officers pin him to the ground while he was shouting I will get you!!!

He was right two weeks later he returned as we walked to the local shops and pulled a knife out and placed it up the rear of my mums T-shirt and before I knew it we are in a Taxi returning to the family home, This abuse carried on for around another 5 years daily and a lot worse... We all suffered at the hands of my father with beatings, Bruises and lying to family and friends saying you know how clumsy the kids are they fell over playing and we nodded and agreed because everyone who knew my father where to scared to have a voice or try and help us.

A month later I went to school and returned home by myself and No Mum and No Dad? My father came home around 11pm that night very drunk telling us 3 brothers how much a SL*G my mum is and that she ran away with another man and his reason for been the way he was is because of his childhood and because my mum cheated on him which I believed and at that moment HATED my mother thinking why? Why would you leave us YOUR’E 3 sons alone

With him when he is the violent one...He then waited for my two brothers so goto school and I watched him write a letter and place it on the kitchen table and say come one let’s go...

I said no my brothers and he said they will be ok even though he left them with nothing and he took me to a seaside town and we lived in a run down bed and breakfast well I did and he went drinking and then came back and beat me which was a daily occurrence all because I was blamed for looking like my mum and he did not like knowing he didn’t have control

Of her anymore and he went back out drinking and returned home which he did and he asked where is dog was❤️? And we asked why?he asked for Bella our German Shepard and then led her outside to bite the Taxi driver Which we absolutely shocking.

I was now living with a monster and I knew how he liked abusing us and that he got off on it and made him feel better about himself baring in mind he was a very tall man and built well.... I must say women noticed my Father for how tall he was and his jet black hair and bright blue piercing eyes... they all thought he was a great looking perfect guy... he was not!!! He was EVIL and a serial cheater sleeping with a lot of women while my mum was gone different women twice maybe three times a day... he disgusted me.

My mum wasn’t a cheat it was him... he shouted me from upstairs and said we are going somewhere and he put me in a taxi and sent me to Social Services and give me a letter to give them saying I don’t want this child find his mother or he had knowhere to live.

This was a plan.... his plan was watch me go inside and wait for my mother to turn up and she did with the police and he went to grab her but the police stopped him and he grabbed me.... again I had lost my mother because of this man.... he then took me home and walked me to the local shops and he purchased two bottles of Bleach ( luckily for me my father was a penny pincher) and he purchased the very cheap brand and then we walked back home.

I remember been on the sofa and he came over with a cup and said drink this.... I said no but he forced me to drink it and I tried to overpower him but I was 4ft and he was over 6ft I had no chance...., the full cup went down my throat and I felt it burning I was scared... he went to the sink and came back with a sponge so I lent over and picked up his cigarette ashtray and I hit him in the face and tried to run!!

He caught me and placed his hands around my throat saying sssshhhhh I feel dizzy I can’t get my breath and I’m trying to cry but I can’t the pressure against my throat was too tight and I thought I was dying and I blacked out..., I woke up to him stood over me with a sponge and I used all I had to get up and run to the Bed and breakfast next door where I knew the owner and his friends where.... I screamed my dad tried to kill me help me please!!!!!!

The owners knew my father and as he approached they said stay away and we have called the police and I watched him casually walk away and the police turned up and took me to hospital to be checked over and video interviewed me about what happened and because I didn’t know where my mum was I said i want my father ( now your thinking why?) I did not have anyone else and by this time my brothers still lived alone and the police took me to them and explained everything.

My brothers found out my father handed himself in to the local Mental Health Hospital and called him saying you ever come near Steven again and we will KILL YOU!!, I think my brothers were no longer afraid of him.

Two days later my brothers said come outside we have something for you and it was my mum..... she had come to get me!!! There was man with her and she explained she had met this man who helped her and treated her like a princess so I was happy for her I truly was because she deserves true love.

My mother and her partner took me shopping for clothes and anything I wanted and said we are going to Brighton would you like to come and I said NO thanks as I knew it was pre-booked and for them alone so I wanted them to spend that quality time together and I would stay with my brothers until they returned, I found out this man was a Multi Millionaire which didn’t make me like him anymore i had never been around money so it did not bother me or my mum.

When they came back from Brighton we moved to another city closer to her partner and he worked all over the world with his own business so we didn’t see him for 8 weeks at a time due to his successful business but I watched my mum fall in love and as long as she was happy then I was too.

So a new home a new city a new start... 6 weeks after moving my father found us and my mum said would you like to see him and I believed he had changed so said yes.... Biggest mistake of my life, the very first night he went drinking and returned to my home drunk and became aggressive and started on me and my mum so I ran out to get the police...... I called them and begged them to get my mum and the danger she was in.... and went to my mums friends.

I waited and waited and fell asleep at 4:30am the police burst the door down and shouted where is she? Everyone said who and they mentioned my mums name!

We said why would she be here when it was us who called YOU! Then they asked me to goto the police station at 9am to which I did and they said at first it’s ok Steven we have you’re mum and dad separated in a cell all you need to do is wait.... this was at 9am!, at 3pm I was still waiting so I demanding to see her.... I was told to make my way to another police station ( I was now 15) why they didn’t give me a lift I don’t know.

Myself and my best friend arrived at another station where I gave my name and address and was told to wait... it was now 5pm so I screamed I want to see my MUM NOW!!!

Then two officers led me and my friend to a room.... they said sit Steven I said NO! I want to see my mum now and that is when..........

They said unfortunately Steven you’re Morher is dead and you’re father murdered her early hours of the morning....... everything stopped!!! Slow motion.... No I said I know you are trying to protect my mum just let me see her but I could see the look in the officers face they had told me the truth my heart felt like it had been ripped out.... I fell down crying!

I came around and asked to see my mother ASAP and HIM! I wanted to kill him!!! He killed my mum and best friend ...My life!

I was 15 and had no family in the city and because my mums partner was away I had to identify her body... I said yes under impulse!!! I shouldn’t of said yes as I was drive to the mortuary and me and my best mate walked in and just before I entered the room I was told not to touch her body....

I went in the room I seen a sheet and a cloth covering a face..... the face sheet was removed and.........no no no no it’s not true she’s asleep and they just want to pretend and say she’s dead to protect her.... her chest looked like it was moving but it wasn’t and their was 2 police officers and 2 people from the morgue........ i put my hand on her head and said DO NOT STOP ME!!!

I said mum wake up please just wake up please.... it’s ok he’s gone... please mum I love you ... I need you mum just get up and we can go... the officer started to cry and I knew it was real!!! He had killed my mum!!

They never let me see him!! He pleaded guilty to manslaughter and received 5 years on the grounds of insanity and he served 3 years the whole time I had been returned to my brothers and because I wasn’t in a healthy state of mind I demanded my own place at 15 and with the help of the local authorities I got a two bedroom flat....

I didn’t leave... I didn’t want to leave.... I hated everyone and everything...several months later I received a letter from him I ignored it...... Now from 15 to 30 my life was out of control from serial relationships because I couldn’t trust anyone and 30+ suicide attempts I was found in hospital in intensive care and was told my heart stopped from Beta Blockers and Anti-Depressants and my brother holding my hand while he played 30 seconds to Mars song ... CLOSER TO THE EDGE..

My life changed... I wanted to live and I wanted to show my mum did not die for no reason she died protecting me...... I wanted to live for her and my children so I started.... I trained hard and become a business owner and successful so I opened another business and progressed with that one too.

I am now 34 in another relationship I didn’t want to be in.... I left and met a lady on a dating site.... she told me she already had 6 children and I thought she will say anything put me off hahahaha, I met this lady with her then 17 year old son... Wow my heart went and I felt something I had never ever felt before..... LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!

I thought I am becoming weak!!! I wasn’t I was just in love and since that very first date..... we have never left each other and married within a year!!, That lady is now my wife and my best friend and also mother to another 2 children ( we share) this woman saved me! Believed in me..... she reminds me of someone.....

She told me her life story and wow she had suffered too and I made her a promise... my promise was to show her love she had never seen before and take her places she never dreamed of, treat all of our children with love and warmth and security, we are now still married 8 children more than 3 businesses and I’m still madly in love with my wife wow she’s beautiful.... I understand her and she understands me and we work at this Mental health together and we have saved peoples lives together and will continue to because she believes in me.

I became a owner of a Mental Health company..... I was saving people’s lives... forget ambulances I drove and drove to save people then drove them to hospital and wait and now are all friends, I will continue to help.... I will continue to live...

I am Steve, I am 39 years old, I am a husband and a father and a brother, a business owner and a charity worker...I am a global therapist who uses social media to help others.

I am a long term Mental Health sufferer who has been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, schizophrenia.

Want to know my secret and how I beat Mental Health daily and have it under control??????

Join me on my next adventure through social media guys and girls and I will show you and guide you.

Thank you for hearing my story......

Instagram: kickbackatmentalhealth

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfzlWf3p4YeFUlKGeStStQg

Let us all unite to help others.... let us win this battle and stop people ending lives!!!

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