Just Listen

You ever feel stuck? As if life is just passing you by yet you’re just standing still? People tend to say “oh you’re just not living enough, live in the moment, risk it all, blah blah blah” but what they fail to realize it may go deeper than just lack of motivation. Personally, I have been battling depression for the past 4 years and to be honest it’s even harder to overcome it as an adult simply because life is so stressful for most of us and everyday is another challenge. I didn’t want to get hooked on Psyche meds, so I decided I was going to fight this depression along with my anxiety ALONE! What's even worse is that no one understands how you feel because, in their mind, you’re just being crazy or overdramatic; they tell you to just get up and brush it off and that the grass is greener on the other side, no one really takes the time to sit down and hear how you really feel and try to understand your thought process, so now you feel all alone which makes your depression worsen. I didn’t understand why I felt so overwhelmed with sadness all the time, I mean, part of my problems were that I was always arguing with my mom and my boyfriend as well (and I mean real hardcore arguing). They didn’t understand how I felt, my anxiety would manifest itself as anger and rage and frustration, I hated my life but I hated myself more; always felt like I wasn’t good enough, that no matter how hard I tried, my efforts to please everyone and make them happy were never enough. I got to a point where I started contemplating suicide, didn’t care if I hurt people around me with my death; they didn’t care about me while I was alive right? I started to binge eat and purge, I became so bulimic that my body would just automatically vomit by itself everytime I ate something. My physical health and my mental health were severely declining and I had no one there for me but my faith. I would be at work just sitting there when my anxiety would kick in for no reason. I would get an overwhelming nervous feeling, my heart started to race, i couldn’t handle this anymore, this had to stop! So I started writing down all the negativity in my head and one night I realized what my REAL problem was: I was living for others and not living for myself. I was so programmed to live to satisfy other people that I was leaving myself behind, I wasn’t doing anything that made me happy at all!! So I decided things were going to change, that I was going to do things I always wanted to do, like dancing , working out and losing all the weight I gained from eating my feelings while I was depressed, I started living for ME! And let me tell you how amazing it felt to break away from those chains, I began to Love myself again, I began to see the beautiful part of me! I didn’t want to die anymore I wanted to live. I know our main goal in life is to find true happiness but you will never find it unless you have it within you, because that’s where happiness truly lives. Now I'm not saying mental health isn’t a real thing, not everyone is capable of overcoming certain mental disorders, that is why I want people who read this to know that whether it’s them or someone they know with a mental health disorder, you are NOT ALONE ! Please read the signs and if anyone you know says they want to kill themselves, I beg you don’t dismiss those words, take them very seriously because some people mean what they say: Always listen because you might just save someones life!