Journal of a Depressed Nurse

Hi,

I use to writer journals about how I'm feeling but its fallen by the wayside due to life and multiple other excuses. For those who play games and are familiar with Kill Monday's debut game, Fran Bow, you'll recognise the subtitle of my entry as the title of Chapter 1 of the game.

I felt the game was an apt reference to how my life has been up until this point. For those that don't know the game, the story of Fran Bow follows the life of a young girl who escapes from a mental institution and begins to experience horrific and out-of-this world things. It is hard to know from this game alone whether her experiences are real or if they are from the drug-addled mind of a little girl.

My life up to this point is like that. Sometimes I feel like I'm in reality and I'm solidly moving through with purpose. Other times it feels like I'm in a dream, where reality doesn't seem at all real and hallucinations hold more weight.

Today has been a mix of both. I felt I knew where I was and was enjoying my life for once only to have the rug pulled out from under me again sending me down the rabbit hole to insanity.

First tho, a bit about me before I take you further down the rabbit hole I'm in.

I was born into an Australian family with a very Aussie Dad and a Filipino Mum. While Dad was laidback and relaxed, Mum was strict and hard on me. Frequently I was told I was not good enough, stupid, or lazy. Name calling from her was on a frequent. I recall being called a beached whale, a slug, and weak... and those were the nicer ones. As I got older, Mum would start to tell me that men would have sex with me and throw me away or "slap your face" and abuse me because I was good for nothing else.

I became to become suicidal in High School. You name it, I tried it. Overdosing on paracetamol, mylanta, thyroxine, melatonin, etc. Cutting with whatever sharp implement I could find. Starving myself all through high school until I was twig thin in Year 12. No one noticed. No one cares. My friends were oblivious to what I was going through and the changes in me. I became withdrawn and only spoke to anyone if they spoke to me directly.

In Year 12, I was also raped by another student. I never told anyone until recently because of the reaction Mum had when I got home. Because I had Chemistry classes after school, Mum believed that I wasn't going to those and going "elsewhere". When I got home that day, there was a news story about a girl being gang raped and left to die. Mum comment... "She was asking for it". During the night, that comment replayed over and over in my head until I came to believe that everyone would believe I asked for it to happen to me.

My life hasn't all be sad tho. When I finally graduated by Bachelors in Nursing, I was 25 and finally able to spread my wings and leave home. Now Mum has to travel at least 3 hours to get to me and I can hang up on her if she starts to talk to me like she use to.

But as you can guess, my early life has taken a profound effect on me. I don't make friends easily. People who I call a friend are people who have seen me at my worse and stayed by my side. Those people I would walk through hellfire for to help and they have proven that they will do the same for me.

I also have a harder time trusting any men and they also have a harder time becoming a friend. Because of this, I found that I do enjoy female company as well as male (when I trust them) so I learned I was bisexual. But in same vein tho, I haven't had a relationship in a long time because I don't feel comfortable in one.

I feel safer being on my own than around people. The more people, the more hypervigilent and paranoid I get. Because of this, I tend to be awake all night and asleep all day if I'm not at work.

I also hoard. I'm not an extensive hoarder but I do have multiple items of the same thing. My mindset, as I have discovered from years of counselling, is that if I have items I don't have to go out. Which is often the case when I'm on leave from work, I don't leave my apartment for weeks on end. But also because I hoard I have financial issues. Often I am living from paycheck to paycheck and have no savings of any kind.

Today's drop down the rabbit hole is related to my finances. I found out today that someone accused me of scratching their car and while there is no proof of direct contact, the insurance agency (which is also mine) has sided with her. My initial response? Burst into tears. Something else that is going to drain my money. I'm already over due with my car repayments and so another thing needing money was just too much.

My thoughts turned dark again. My automatic thought process always follows the suicide path. "Why am I here?" "Why do I bother?" "Why am I trying so hard to persevere?" "I don't want to be here anymore." "I don't want to live anymore." Down the rabbit hole I go until things seem so unreal that I disassociate from my surroundings and pretend whatever it was that upset me doesn't exist.

That is where I am now. I know it's there... the thing that upset me. But I'm in nurse mode. Patients are present in their beds and so I have to be a nurse to them. When I go home in the morning, that will be a different story. I hope that my shift gives me some clarity but with this feeling that everything doesn't seem real right now, I doubt it.

There's a part of me right now that feel relieved I'm expressing myself here. Its almost cathartic in a way to open up and express without knowing or seeing who will read my writing. And to write under an alias just makes that feeling a bit more comfortable. I hope in the future I continue to write and feel more comfortable expressing myself.

Time will tell...