It was late in the evening, my heart was tired and my stomach was full of food. I sat in my recliner, flipping through the channels, as nothing in particular caught my eye. It was then I heard a loud, buzzing noise. Not so much around my head or anywhere near me, but more so right down the hall from me. I was distraught for a moment, only because I had not ever heard such a noise before. I quickly rose to my feet in hopes of finding out where exactly the noise was coming from. I ventured off into the hallway, flipping the light switches on, when suddenly I heard it again, only a loud thud soon followed the buzzing. My heart started racing. My mind came to so many conclusions as to what it could be, but none of it made sense. A buzzing? It couldn't be a robber. I stood frozen in my foot steps when I heard light tapping on the ground. Around the corner of the hallway stuck out what looked like a black stick of some sort. It moved further into my view, and I soon saw that it was, indeed, a fly. A huge fly. It crawled down the hallway to meet me, taking up half of the space. It's body in width was almost the size of the hallway itself. I stood there in shock.
"I broke your lamp," he said in a low, polite voice. I stared at him, completely silent.
"I'll do what I can to take care of it." His wings started to flap, soon into an invisible fan of wind and the ginormous bug was air born, flying up above over my head and into the living room. My head followed him as he flew away, and into the dark kitchen where I could no longer see him. I was baffled. Or I think maybe I was too exhausted and my mind was playing tricks on me. I walked into my bedroom and sat down on my bed, with my head in my hands. Something started to part between my ankles and move past my feet, I looked down to see a large spider right beneath me, the size of a coffee table.
"Hey, you going to sleep already?" the brown, hairy spider asked. I sat there, eyes wide open, nodding my head "yes".
"Alright, buddy. I'll get out of your way, just making my way to the garage," the spider said, as he started to move all 8 legs down into the hallway.
"What is wrong with me? Why, bugs?" I thought to myself out loud. I swung my legs over onto my bed and laid down. I pulled the blankets up over me and closed my eyes. Once I was comfy, I felt a slight itch on my leg. Of course the first instinct I had was to scratch it. I stuck my hand down beneath the covers and began to scratch it, only to feel a small crumb of something. I opened up the covers to find a small bed bug.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm trying to find a home. I wanted to be warm." the small bug replied. I think he could see the confused look I had on my face.
"You can't stay here. I'm sorry." I grabbed a piece of paper, scooped him up and placed him in the bathroom trash. I didn't feel much remorse at all, seeing as how tired I was at that particular time. I turned the bathroom light out and started to walk back into my room, when I saw the silhouette of what appeared to be a large lump of something beside my bed. I hesitated going into there, so I quietly asked, "Who's there?"
Suddenly the large heap moved like a bolt of lightening right to my feet.
"Excuse me!" it shouted.
I flipped on the lights to find that it was a cockroach, the size of a bedside table. I stood lifelessly, staring at it.
"Can you move, please?" He asked.
"Where are you going?"
"I have to get home. It's really late. I need to be home!" the bug said quickly.
"May I come home with you?" I asked.
"Are you kidding me?"
"So, no then?"
The bug pushed between my legs and let out a huge sigh. "Ridiculous..." he murmured underneath his breath.
Shrugging, I walked back to my bed, and collapsed in and soon fell asleep.
Once morning came, my very first thought upon opening my eyes was if that lamp was fixed or not. I took a sip of water, and got out of bed and walked down into the office where the large fly once was. I noticed that the lamp was sitting up straight on the desk with large amounts of gray duct tape wrapped all around it. I was displeased. I shook my head and stomped into the living room, looking for the fly.
"That's not going to work- the lamp. I'm not okay with the duct tape."
"I thought it was tasteful?" said the familiar voice, yet I couldn't see the fly anywhere.
"Where are you?"
"What do you expect me to do, John? I'm a fly, for god sakes!"
This time I looked up to see the huge fly sitting on the ceiling, taking up half of the corner.
"You broke my lamp because you are clumsy. Why are you so big anyways?"
"I don't know, John, why are you so small?" he buzzed sarcastically.
How did he know my name?
"Whatever," I said, folding my arms and walking away. I was irritated beyond belief, how could he be so careless?
A few minutes later, I'm walking out the door to my car to drive to work, when I see my car moving, almost as if it's going to tip over. I run over to the side of it, panicking, and found a lady bug, half the size of my car crawling on it.
"Hey, um. What exactly are you doing on my car?"
"Oh! I didn't know you were leaving so soon!" said the lady bug, in a soft, giggly voice.
"Well I mean, I have to go to work."
"Well let me just get out of your way," she said as her wings soon took her into the air, hovering above me and the car. I smiled and nodded at her, as if to say thank you as I got in my car and drove to my work place.
Once there, I see a large grasshopper jumping around the bushes of the building, making the trees and the cars that are parked shake with every hop he makes. I get out of my car, trying to maintain balance and soon getting frustrated with the hopping bug. The people walking into the door seem to be just fine, but I can't keep my balance straight. I walk into the courthouse, ready to present my case. Hours fly by and we're sitting in court, while the witness speaks her testimony. I'm sitting there, taking into account all she has to say about how her brother threatened to kill her boyfriend, or something of the sort. Soon I hear a familiar buzzing and felt my stomach knot.
"Not here, not now..." I thought, but surely, it was the fly flying into the courtroom and sitting on the floor right in front of me. The witness kept speaking, and no one seemed to notice anything, so I tried to compose myself as best as I could. "What are you doing?" I mouthed at the fly.
"It's about your lamp." he said, quite excitedly.
I shook my head as if to say "not now,"
all of the sudden, I hear the judge calling my name, asking if there are any further questions.
"No, your honor." I say.
"Do you even know what's going on?" the fly asked me.
"This court is now in recess, we will return in 20 minutes." the Judge announced. Some people got up to leave, most people stayed sitting down. All of the sudden, I felt very queasy, and dizzy. I locked my brief-case and headed for the exit. My head was spinning and my stomach turned flips as I walked to my car. I got in and rested my head against the steering wheel and tried taking in deep breaths.
"TAP TAP TAP"
I slowly turned my head to the left to find a large, life-like size praying mantis tapping on my window.
I rolled the window down very slightly, "What?" I murmured.
"Try breathing in slowly through your nose and breathing out through your mouth. Focus on your breathing. You'll be okay, bud." said the bug, in a deep voice. I turned my head back and did as the mantis said, and focused more on my breathing patterns. The mantis reached his limb in through the window and patted me on the shoulder, "You got this, John. Just breathe."
Soon I felt relief and nodded at him. He started to walk off, then turned back, saluted me, and then kept on crawling.
Am I even fathoming what's happening right now? A praying mantis just saluted me and I'm acting as if it's normal. I check the time, and head back into the court room where it was, soon, about to start. The fly had been mingling with a few other bugs in the room, and I sat down, practicing my breathing patterns once more. Soon the judge came back and we were back in session. I called another witness to the stand and stood there questioning him about the night he threatened to kill his sisters boyfriend. I felt a tapping on my shoulder, and instinctually, turned to see what it was.
"He isn't looking too truthful. I mean look at him, the guy's full of lies. Of COURSE he didn't threaten to kill the boyfriend."
I stared at him blankly and then turned back to the witness. Several minutes passed and the court was dismissed until further notice.
I'm on my way home, when I notice in my rear view mirror sat a large, black spider.
"It's cool if I come home with you, right?"
I shrug, "Sure. I just really want you to stay back there while I'm driving though, okay?"
"Hey dude, don't worry about a thing, I'll stay back here the whole ride home."
I think he smiled at me. I arrived home and pulled into the driveway, opened my door, and soon followed the large, black spider right behind me on all 8. I lead him to the door and opened it, as he soon walked in.
"This is actually... I don't know, it's kind of messy."
"Listen, if you're going to stay here, then don't complain. You can leave any time."
"No, no! I'll stay. I was just stating a fact, John."
I roll my eyes, and head straight for my bed, slowly yanking off the clothes I was wearing. The room was dark and I made no effort into turning the light on, seeing as I was going to crash. I plopped down onto my bed and soon felt a large lump of something. I jumped up, turned my lamp on to find a tick that's already half the size of my bed.
"What the? Who the hell are you? Get out of my bed!" by this time, I was infuriated. The tick slowly shuffled to its side to where it was facing me.
"Hey man, I was just resting. No need to panic."
"No. You're disgusting and you're in my bed. Get out now!
He stared at me, "Could I, uh... Get a little help?
"Oh my god." I murmured. I placed my hands on his sides, lifted him and set him on the ground.
"Ugh... Wait, whose blood is that even?"
The tick was silent and as he slowly shuffled his way out of my room and into the hallway.
"Don't worry 'bout it." he breathed.
Aggravated, I finally got into bed and soon fell asleep.
Morning had arrived and I felt brisk and ready for the day. I stepped out of bed and into my closet to get dressed.
"Wow, hey! You want to warn a brother before you start taking your clothes off? Jeez, John..." A startled voice said to the left of me. I turned to see a house centipede taking up half the wall.
"Oh, gosh. Wow, I'm really sorry. That's really embarrassing," I say as I quickly put my shirt on. "That won't happen again, dude. Haha..."
I step out of the closet and my first thought was where the fly could be and if he wanted to have eggs and bacon with me. I zip up my pants and head to the kitchen.
"Hey? Uh, you in here, bud?" I ask, looking around but no answer.
I think nothing of it and go on with making my breakfast. I pour me a glass of orange juice, sit down and begin to eat when I hear a loud buzzing coming through my house.
"H-hey! There you are-oh... I see you've made food.." the fly says.
"Yeah, man. Wanna join me?
He then proceeds to fly to the chair across from me at the table, spit on his legs, and rub them together.
Secretly, I think it's disgusting, but I set a plate of bacon and eggs down in front of him, smiling.
He picks up the newspaper and reads the comics, buzzing about how Garfield is never funny, or something like that.
Basically, I'm seeing bugs. Big bugs. They're talking to me, and touching me, and sleeping in my bed, and I think I'm all right with that. I'm happy, but scared at the same time. Why are they so big? Why do they like me? Do other people see big bugs? Am I mental?
"Pass me the sugar, John, will yah?" asked the fly.
"Yeah, sure bud," I reply, sliding the sugar across the table to him.