my thoughts are all over the place
Dating after an emotional abusive marriage.
My marriage lasted a year and a half, but we were together for nearly 7 years. He was my first everything, and I wanted to grow old with him. I had fairy tale hopes and dreams for us that began to become unrealistic, real quick. My husband never physically abused me, but he did have boughts of anger and emotional break downs and even ended up with a punched hole in the wall in our apartment. He stopped sleeping with me, sexually and physically; he slept on the couch and I slept in our bed. Granted, our mattress was weird and dipped in the middle and THAT'S supposedly why he didn't want to sleep in bed with me... but I still wanted him to. I'd wait every night for him to change his mind and come lay with me. Him never having sex with me made me feel disgusted and unwanted. I thought something was wrong with me. He knew I was struggling with depression, so much so that I was having suicidal thoughts. When I told him this, he shut down and never said anything after that and left the conversation. That made me feel even worse, obviously. Yes, his lack of communication skills was detrimental to our relationship, but I also lacked communicating more with him because every time I would, he would shut down. He treated me like just a friend and put his two best friends before me our entire relationship. I always found myself fighting to be his priority, like he was always mine. Our marriage started to deteriorate pretty quickly after we got married, and then boom - the tidal wave of a sudden divorce.
John & The Fly
It was late in the evening, my heart was tired and my stomach was full of food. I sat in my recliner, flipping through the channels, as nothing in particular caught my eye. It was then I heard a loud, buzzing noise. Not so much around my head or anywhere near me, but more so right down the hall from me. I was distraught for a moment, only because I had not ever heard such a noise before. I quickly rose to my feet in hopes of finding out where exactly the noise was coming from. I ventured off into the hallway, flipping the light switches on, when suddenly I heard it again, only a loud thud soon followed the buzzing. My heart started racing. My mind came to so many conclusions as to what it could be, but none of it made sense. A buzzing? It couldn't be a robber. I stood frozen in my foot steps when I heard light tapping on the ground. Around the corner of the hallway stuck out what looked like a black stick of some sort. It moved further into my view, and I soon saw that it was, indeed, a fly. A huge fly. It crawled down the hallway to meet me, taking up half of the space. It's body in width was almost the size of the hallway itself. I stood there in shock.
Porn Made Me Hate Myself
Porn made me hate myself. It's true, in every way shape and form. Being in love with a porn addict has hurt me more than anything in this whole world. I have never experienced the type of hurt that I have felt during the past six years. The first discovery of the porn I found on his phone will forever haunt me. Seeing all of the titles of the videos he watched is burned into my brain and I won't ever forget them, as much as I've tried.
The Life of a Walmart Employee
I started working at Walmart in November of 2017, and I currently work in apparel. Growing up, for some reason, Walmart just had a bad representation of the people who go there and who also work there; so for some reason, admitting that I work at Walmart has always been kind of embarrassing for me and I'm not sure why. I definitely don't want to feel that way and I don't want to stereotype people in any way shape or form. There are a lot of pros and a lot of cons to working at Walmart. The one I work at is the newest one built in my city so it's nicer than all of the other Walmarts we have here...but for some reason, some of the absolute worst people come into our store. I get it that bad people are everywhere, no matter where you work. But sometimes it feels like we get the worst of it. And there is something about the people that come into my store who have no sense of cleaning up after themselves... It's honestly unbelievable the mess that people make and then go and say, "Oh that's THEIR job to clean it up." Yeah sure, it is our job to literally pick up after you freaking animals, but if you had any sense of decency, you would pick up after yourselves and have the manners your momma taught you, IF she even did! So yeah, people can definitely be the cons of working at Walmart. But I've actually had encountered a lot of really cool, super nice people also. I would honestly say that I've received more good, honest people than I have bad. Very little have I experience people being complete assholes. Right before Christmas of last year, I actually had a lady sit down on the floor with me while I was folding shirts and tell me that she has noticed me the past few times she's come in and see's that I work hard and wanted to offer me a free pampering session because she worked with Mary Kay. While the gesture was definitely sweet and I totally needed that encouragement at the time, I blew her off with getting back to her about that pampering session. She ended up texting and calling me a lot being really pushy about it, and I'm not gonna lie, ghosted her, haha. She was sweet, actually maybe a little bit too sweet for my liking. As much as I would love to be outgoing and a people person, that's just not who I am and keeping up a conversation is literal work for me. Sorry bout that.
Dear Papaw, I've had sort of a breakthrough with my grief. I posted something very personal and open about you and how wounded and hurt I was feeling at the moment and I got a message from a family member where essentially, she said that it's okay to move on from the death of a loved one. I get that now, but before I was so on the defensive, in my head it sounded like she was somehow just artistically saying to pretty much get over it. So I was pissed off and upset and went to my husband about it and he so kindly broke it down for me. And I kinda had a realization that yeah, it's okay to start getting better, and that by getting better doesn't mean I'm forgetting you. I still think that nobody understands how I'm feeling towards all of it, but that's okay and nobody has to. I need to stop being so offended when someone says they like the month of June, when for me, that was the hardest month I've ever had to go through and will never look at it the same way again. Or when how I talk about you and whoever I'm talking to seems perfectly fine that you're gone - just completely unaffected...
Today is hard because it's the beginning of the month that I lost you. We lost you. Nothing could ever describe or compare to the hurt it made me feel and continues to make me feel. I remember it SO vividly. I had just gotten home from traveling from South Carolina and had been home not even a week and met you on Sunday, Father's Day, at church. I remember your face and how tired you looked. You looked so different, just exhausted. I could see that change in you, and I just hugged you and stayed by you until we decided where to go to eat for lunch. I remember you suggested Cici's Pizza, but I didn't have enough money to pay for my siblings and had a coupon for Taco Villa, so I asked if we could go there instead—of course you said yes. I met you there and you got a taco salad, and we sat in a booth together across from each other. You were hounding me questions about Thomas and traveling and just life in general, and I loved it. I loved all of it. We had been there a good maybe two hours before we decided to go ahead and head home, and we walked outside and you came to my car you had never got the chance to see before then, and asked me more questions about it, haha. I told you you could take it for a drive sometime, and you just laughed and said, "Oooooh, alright" and you got in your car and I remember watching you drive off out of the parking lot while I got my siblings situated in the car. And I went home and met a friend for coffee that day.
The Weirdest Sexual Assault
Growing up, I was always assumed to be a lesbian by my friends, classmates, and people I didn't even know. I'm really not sure why or how I gave off the vibe that I was lesbian, because I happen to be a very straight woman! I don't know if the fact that people thought I was a lesbian is why guys never did hit on me, or if I seemed intimidating by some means? I'm still really unsure of the whole thing. But guys never did try and flirt with me or ask me out, which I was completely fine with! However, I did get the occasional weird dude saying weird stuff to me. When I got a job working at Chipotle, I discovered a whole new world of weird ass dudes.