It's Mental Illness Innit?

I wasn't diagnosed with depression and anxiety until my 20s but the earliest I remember experiencing anxiety is in my earliest memories; five, six maybe. Depression, the cunning bitch, didn't show up in earnest until late elementary.

Even so I've had over a 2 decades with both. Overall I consider my anxiety well managed - rarely does my life feel stalled or stunned into in action by my anxiety. Depression, well, that's a horse of a different color.

Like many people with depression I have good days and bad days, I've had moderate bordering on severe episodes and I've had mild episodes. Mostly, in the last 4 years I've had good days, but every so often I'll have a hard day. If I can identify it soon enough I can recalibrate my expectations for myself; prioritizing my limited energy to essential tasks and being gentle with my limited functioning.

Today I didn't identify it soon enough. Instead I tried to push through and keep my schedule as is. I was delayed and less productive but I got a little organizing done, though at the end of 2 hours I'd sorted about 12 small items and was depleted. This was when I realized I was not having a good depression day. I tried to rally to get to the essentials. I couldn't. After a while I slept fitfully and drank some water. Then I slept fitfully some more. Because it's the new year and I've taken on finding a schedule to help support me and how I'd like my days to look as a new year resolution I also was disappointed in myself. I couldn't follow my routine today. I couldn't shower or brush my teeth -- I had a small pool of energy and I squandered it trying to maintain productivity of essential well being items. Of course, in the thick of it, I didn't realize that either.

After my second round of fitful sleep I got up to get ready for work (overnight life) and had a moment of clarity, having slept in the same clothes I had been wearing for 30 some hours, that I was having a bad depression day. I softened towards myself and remembered some depression tips I'd seen on Tik Tok about exchanging the full task for what you can do. I couldn't shower but I could manage to brush my hair and put on clean clothes and some fresh deodorant. I couldn't follow my schedule but I did get through the day, and after two decades, I've learned that no matter how many days hard depression days get in a row, they have never lasted forever. So I did my best to practice radical acceptance, gather some food for work and on the way in I noticed my shoulders bopping to a song. It was a bad day for me, but tomorrow is a new day, and maybe it'll be better, and maybe it won't, but either way I'll be ready to embrace where I am.

I've been thinking about what a reasonable schedule is. I think I've found a good one for myself on good days, but I had nothing ready for today, a bad day. I struggle with executive function on all days and today I had no concept of what was reasonable. I think, maybe, next time I could try this:

1. Drink water (any amount is success).
2. Brush teeth (any amount of times and any duration is success).
3. Shower.
4. Put on clean clothes.
5. Eat something.

That's it, what would normally be a 1 hour window on a good for a full 24 hours on a bad day -- I think that's reasonable. I'll try it and if it's not, I'll edit. Either way I'll love myself through it. Surprisingly struggling with depression specifically has given me one of my greatest gifts, the opportunity to learn that my value, the value of any person, is not dependent on what we do, not even on who we are, our health, or any other attribute but simply because we are.

In summary:

You matter.

I matter.

No other criteria or condition required.

Tomorrow is a new day and regardless of how our mental illness is or what we do or don't do, we matter.