It's Mental Health Day...
So I've decided to share something personal.
It's been two years since I attempted suicide. I constantly like to reflect on where I have been since my release from the Harlem Hospital's Psych Ward. In honor of Mental Health Day, or Mental Health Week (shit, let's make that a month!) I've decided to write about where I am today.
I just got out of a 3 year relationship with the only man I have ever loved. It's been four days since we've broken up and I have felt it all. Sadness, depression, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, and of course, nothing. Sometimes the feeling of emptiness simply cannot be described. But I will do my best to share what it feels like.
I would lose my appetite, in fact I wouldn't eat for a whole day. I wouldn't shower. I would lie in bed, listen to sad songs that made me feel like my feelings were valid. I would dream of him, feel his phantom in my bed, and spend the days missing him, being angry at him, and so forth. I am allowing myself to feel it all, because it's a part of the healing process. As much as you want to fast forward to the part where you're okay and happy again, you can't. Greatness takes time, pain, suffering, and patience. You just have to have faith, trust in God, trust yourself, that you will do the necessary things you have to do in order to get better.
I haven't been in therapy for over a year now, since my schedule had gotten really busy with work and stuff. But I've realized over the last few months that I was missing it. And when my boyfriend and I went on a break last week before our official breakup, I requested my therapy records immediately so I can start fresh elsewhere.
People say it's supposed to get easier, but this morning, it felt worse. I was grateful to have my sister near because when I attempted to make an appointment at the nearest clinic that took my insurance, the representative told me they were no longer taking new patients. I felt discouraged and upset that I lived so far up north in NYC, where all the great things weren't easily accessible. My sister called the clinic and there so happened to be a change in the system within those five minutes. So I have an appointment in a little over a week. How relieved did I feel! Afterwards, I picked myself up and went to the gym, because my body needed it. And shit, did it feel good to work it out!
What would've happened if I didn't have therapy? I honestly think I would've lost my mind. Breakups are so hard, and it's not the only reason why I've sulked, or been unhappy. I'm usually super hard on myself and I am not exactly happy that I am not where I know I'm destined to be. I guess that's just me being impatient. I don't have a consistent job, I'm a starving artist. But one day, I will be on everyone's TV and I won't be where I'm at today. Trust me, I don't give up on dreams.
Two years ago, I was broken and didn't think I had anything to live for. Today, I feel broken at times, but I know I have all the potential in the world, star quality, a diamond heart, an amazing story, and purpose. And to protect my energy and my purpose, I need to do the right things for me. It can be easy letting depression rule and control your mind, therefore your life. But it takes effort to make a conscious decision and tell yourself that this is not who you are. If you want to be something better, someone great, you must put the work in. And after two years of recovery, therapy, meditation, love, heartache, career changes, loss of friends, and gaining new ones, I feel like there's clarity. I feel lighter. I feel like I am powerful with my depression, powerful with my anxiety, powerful with anything that is thrown at me.
I am proud of the decisions I have made to make myself a better person. Sometimes, I've made shitty decisions along the way, but your twenties are for fucking up and learning from them. I don't regret a single thing. So if you want to feel better, to feel empowered, to feel anything if you can't feel at all, do what you need to do to get there. Therapy, yoga, meditation, exercise, or a new project can help you get where you need to be.
It's 2017, and I'm alive. I'm alive, I'm strong, and I'm only going to get stronger. I thank God for all the life lessons he has thrown at me, and I thank my support system, because without them, I wouldn't be here today. I hope this article inspires you to be great, because you know you already are. A great friend told me, "There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. YOU are the light." Go shine my brothers and sisters.
About the author
Puerto Rican Artist from NYC. Actress/Model/Writer/Singer. I write about everything: raw and real. I aspire to provoke emotion and spark change with my words. To learn more about me, visit www.aureaofficial.com