It is never ending please unchain me

He was impressed by the bikes that crossed the street. The pure sight of their shape, the people who sat on them, the history of the people who made the construction possible, the physics which seemed to be self-evident. it had been a few hundred thousand years before that point was reached. Shouldn't they just collapse? Sink into the ground? He imagined how they shattered into their individual parts, each particle, small, completing the whole. They came from the spirit.

He could look at the simplest things for hours and fall in love with them. Standing at the train station was one of the most beautiful moments for him, the trains had human features, an image of nature, they were like caterpillars, snakes with faces, an eel gliding through the water, but without soul, without own drive, artificial, somehow they scared him, they would have done that to any person born three-houndred years ago. This was a short time, there was no memory left on this planet, it had moved on, gone away, just like everything that happened now, at some point it was dead and gone. Although it was impossible to say for sure what would throw the switch and prolong our life indefinitely, he wondered whether the abundance of experience and knowledge would not be exhausting, tiring.

He grinned. Humans built huge ships that could travel great distances on the water, an incredible machinery, a proof of the superiority of the human spirit over all that was native to this planet, we defied nature, made the impossible possible, only to destroy each other in the seaway with torpedoes, bombs and machine guns. When he stood under windmills they scared him, it was almost as if they were living, who knew if they were hostile, if they would take off in the next moment, maybe they could even talk, of course they couldn't, but his imagination knew no boundaries, they would change colors, maybe even shape, they communicated with each other as it seemed to him, there was no difference between them and the landscape in the background regardless of the distance, was it surprising that he was attracted to them?

Insufficient. He shed a tear. A single tear. It weighed more heavily than the weight on his shoulders. In fact, he had done nothing wrong, again. According to his conviction. But the opinions of other people had burned into his chest.

He felt a strange feeling of happiness, he was alone, tired of hurting his loved ones. A few hours had passed and he noticed how the grey undertow was pulling him along. He couldn't think clearly, the guilt rained down from the black cloud that followed him constantly. He was well. When he was alone. A small circle. Little contact, only with the people who would spread their wings with him, he would leave the energy thieves behind. For them he was the energy thief.

The tension in his shoulders was released. He wanted to give up. A lake full of touch, but he was shy, afraid, too often the contact on the surface left scars in the depths. He was sensitive. Hypersensitive. How could anyone understand his overload if he didn't understand it himself. For him, the little things were the most difficult.

Grief and anger, guilt and shame, life and death, he tended to the latter. In fact, sometimes he was close to doing it. A thought so convincing and liberating that he had to control himself not to fall for it. The ultimate way out, if all roads led further into confusion. Once again it was so simple. Everything fluctuated between the perception of easy and difficult, light and dark, love and hate, changing arbitrarily, like his mood.

"I'm trying. So much. My bed smells like water, it makes me sad. It is long lost, I hold on to you although it is long lost but I hold on.

When I see you, I feel uneasy. I do not want to see you. I don't know why. You too have come too close to me. I just want my peace.

Unfortunately, they don't understand. I can't expect them to. In the end it's always me. They notice that I am not well, I can't change it. "

Only when the peace and happiness slowly found their way back, they had lost their way apparently, did he realize what a state of frenzy he was in when he was feeling bad. Everything became faster and faster, time raced with the speed of a thought, colors mixed with dark tones, reason was just enough to direct the violence towards an unbreakable object. One could tell he was unhappy. He cursed his life more often than he felt sick and weak. He felt sorry for all the good people that had to deal with his imbalance.