It Can’t Just Be Me

Why is every day an existential crisis? Why do I constantly realize how menial my life is? There are billions of people in the world with lives that are just as, if not more complicated than my own. There are horrible schemes being plotted, dreams being created and crushed, and my life is my biggest problem. Why am I so self obsessed? Why am I so privileged yet overcome with crippling depression? Why am I bipolar? Who else knows my struggles? Who can relate to me? I need to know. I need to be able to justify my selfish thoughts.

I have been in such a horrible low. I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t manage to muster any ounce of care to do the most basic things. I want to do them. I truly do. But it seems and feels impossible. I am exhausted from being anxious. I am embarrassed to admit how much of a piece of shit I am. I cry when I answer questions from my doctor. I cry after get off the phone with my boss after another month of not coming in. I have nothing to do but I am more than restless. I can’t distract my brain and nothing has a flow any more.

I use to be a power house. I use to be able to slap a smile on and cruise through the day. I use to be able to compartmentalize like it was no ones business. And now? Everything blurs together. I can’t separate parent from teacher from supervisor from friend. Everything feels like it is SO MUCH so why bother with anything?

I know I would never hurt myself. My friends always remind me of how much they care and I could never scar my children like that. But death is a welcoming and beautiful thought. It is peaceful to know that at some moment there will be an end, and there will be nothing more to struggle to stay alive for. Because you have no choice- you are done. There are no more choices. There are no more struggles.

I am not a religious person; I believe that when you die it is simply dark. Just no more anything. Relief, no fear. However it is appealing to think there is something after this. I don’t always feel like I will make it to the good place. There is a song I like to listen to on repeat when I get sad. It’s called “Thank God” by Sasha Sloan. It’s a very touching and relatable song that almost feels like it was written for me. I would definitely suggest it for those of you who believe you are destined for hell. I know I feel that way a lot of the time.

I may never truly feel like everything is going to be okay, but I will always keep that mindset. I hope everyone does, because to not is the weaker choice. And after everything you may have ever been through, you are not weak. Don’t take the easier route, otherwise this fight has been for nothing.