Is Drug Abuse Just Prolonged Suicide?

For 7 years I loved a man that was a drug addict. He was clean when we met but was still open about his struggles with drugs from a very young age. Way too young. I'm talking before he was even a teen.

He didn't stand a chance in this life. None at all. I thought my love was enough to help him but it was maybe just too little, too late in his messed up life.

His mother was an alcoholic narcissist who would often forget to pick him up from school, among many other things mothers should never do.

She pretty much abandoned him to be with her lover because her lover didn't like kids. She had two. Alex was left to live with his dad who worked nights.

From what I know, his dad was a great guy who was Alex's rock. His dad died suddenly when he was 20 and he never recovered from the loss. It sent him on a downward spiral into heavy drug use.

When I met Alex, he was 22 and had just moved back with his mom to try to get sober. Perhaps it should have been a red flag for me but he was a very sweet, caring guy.

He was just in a lot of pain that he never showed. The problem with him trying to get sober at his mom's was SHE was not sober.

Alex put me through a lot of pain over the 7 years we were together. I've moved on and forgiven him for it. He passed away at age 30 in May of 2018. I'm sad to say he never overcame his demons.

How Music Opened My Eyes

The other day I was listening to music on YouTube, as I usually do when I'm writing. The background music helps me to concentrate and music is my outlet and helps with my depression.

About 99% of the time I listen to Rage Against the Machine or Korn. I'm stuck in the 90s and I won't apologize for it. You know how YouTube has auto-play?

Suddenly I'm hearing a song that I know but don't know who it is. One I have heard many times on the radio. It's Alice In Chains, the MTV unplugged version.

I see Layne coming on the stage. I see his hunched shoulders and hollow look in his eyes. He has no front teeth. His hair is greasy and his facial hair is patchy. He is skin and bones and he is clearly unwell.

"He's dying of drugs."

I think to myself. Because I have seen this before, in Alex. My Alex. The unmistakable look of a drug addict.

Layne Staley is Alex

The look of defeat in the eyes of Layne brings me to tears. That's the look the man I loved had for so long. The lyrics of each unplugged song cut me like a knife.

I don't know if you have ever actually listened to the lyrics of the songs of Alice In Chains. I never really have, though I've heard the songs many times over the years. I wish I would have paid more attention.

It's good music but I never took in the meaning. The songs are about using drugs and drug addiction, written by Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell.

When you see the two of them sing on stage together, you get chills. I don't care if you don't like this genre of music, I don't see how this couldn't hit you.

In the video of them singing Angry Chair you can see how this is hitting Jerry.

His friend is dying and he knows it

A dying man is singing in perfect harmony with his friend who loves him. Jerry keeps looking over at Layne with a look. A look that say, "You OK buddy?" Layne is so strung out that he has to have the lyrics of the songs in front of him. Songs he had been singing for years. He forgot the lyrics.

The lyrics are:

Sitting on an angry chair

Angry walls that steal the air

Stomach hurts and I don't care

What do I see across the way, hey

See myself molded in clay, oh

Stares at me, yeah I'm afraid

Changing the shape of his face, oh yeah

Candles red I have a pair

Shadows dancing everywhere

Burning on the angry chair

Little boy made a mistake

Pink cloud has now turned to gray, oh

All that I want is to play

Get on your knees, time to pray, oh

I don't mind, yeah I don't mind, yeah

Lost my mind, yeah

Can't find it anywhere

Corporate prison, we stay

I'm a dull boy, work all day

So I'm strung out anyway

Loneliness is not a phase

Field of pain is where I graze

Serenity is far away

Saw my reflection and cried

So little hope that I died, oh

Feed me your lies, open wide

Weight of my heart, not the size, oh I don't mind, yeah I don't mind, yeah

Lost my mind, yeah

Can't find it anywhere

Pink cloud has now turned to gray

All that I want is to play

Get on your knees time to pray, boy

I don't know why I'm suddenly so hooked on this album

It's talking to me in ways most music never does. It's giving me a view into the mind of my past lover. I'm starting to understand.

Layne, Alex, and other drug user are hurting. You can see it in their eyes. They are no different than me in my depression. The only difference is I don't cover my pain with drugs.

I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I know the feeling of wanting the pain to just end. Of wanting to end it all. I never used drugs because I know I would like them too much.

I know I would crave the way they cover pain. I would love to have that feeling.

And, if they didn't destroy the lives of those around them, I'd probably be a drug user. Because sometimes that pain is just too much. I get that. I'd love anything that would take that pain from me.

That's why I never tried drugs, I knew I'd love them too much. It's easier to not even try them once than it is to try to get off of them.

Looking back on my years with Alex, I'm starting to realize he never quit because deep down, he didn't want to live. And I can't fault him for that.

He used the drugs to cover his pain until he was dead

He never got over the loss of his dad. That is what he cried about the most. Not his past with his mother but the loss of his dad.

He knew his dad would be ashamed of the man he had become and he couldn't get over that. I know he was ashamed of himself.

So he let the drugs take him. Instead of outright killing himself like he probably wanted to, he let the drugs do it instead. It was a prolonged suicide.

He had kidney failure, was on dialysis, had open heart surgery at 25 to repair endocarditis brought on by IV drug use. By the end, he could hardly walk due to water retention and cellulitis in his legs. Ultimately his life was lost to a brain aneurysm.

His body put up a good fight but his mind was lost long before

He made it to age 30. An age I never thought he would see. You could look at him and know he wasn't long for this world.

He was told the drugs would kill him and he didn't care. He wanted them to do the job for him. And in that time, they'd give him the gift of not feeling the pain within him.

I know this now. After all this time, it never clicked with me. In a way it just makes me feel sad. Alex was a broken soul that couldn't be fixed. He never had a fighting chance in this life. I wish I could have been enough for him.

So, thank you Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell of Alice In Chains for opening my eyes to this; to the pain that Alex was in that he wanted rid of so badly.

The power of music has never hit me so hard. Believe me, I listen to music all the time that rocks me to my bones. But nothing like this. Nothing.

Don't need a gun

Pointed at me

Don't need to run

Killer is me

Killer is me - Alice In Chains