Intentional Work

I've been in situations where I didn't know how to get rid of the heavy feeling in my chest. I had no clue. There were times I was numb and couldn't feel or cry it out. There were also times where the heavy feeling spread through my body. I've had therapist always tell me; "you have to feel (it) before you can realise (it)". In the beginning, I thought what a ridiculous idea, that's one thing I've been avoiding why would I want to do that. Which then made me realise that healing has to be intentional. I have to want to heal because I had to feel those emotions to let them go. And that what I did. I confronted those intense emotions and there were times I wanted to end my life. Not because I was ungrateful of the life I had but I just didn't know how to deal with those emotions. It felt like I was going to be stuck there forever. I didn't know when it was going to end. At the time I didn't grasp the concept that emotions come and go and they are normal. But wanting to kill myself wasn't normal. I personally never been the type where I was able to let my guard down and express vulnerability, especially to the people close to me. So instead I sought outside support, from local services that specifically handles mental health issues. It takes a lot of courage to seek out help. It doesn't make me weak for seeking help. It is not a weakness wanting let go of those intense emotions.

I disliked the idea of having to take medication because I saw it as a weakness. I thought I had to take medication to be 'normal'. In the past, I've had bad experiences that have made me feel like I was a lab rat. I get that it takes trial and errors to find a suitable medication. But it doesn't change the fact that it was not enjoyable. Having to deal with certain side effects just so I could 'feel normal'. Although one thing I've learned is that medication is only a small part of recovery. It's not the magic pill that will get you to tap dance every morning to work. But that coffee that boosts your energy as you start the day. I started journaling and I quite enjoy it. It's a space where I can unload all my thoughts and feeling knowing there is no judgement. Physically seeing and writing those intense thoughts helped me let go and understand them. It wasn't scattered in my mind where it was constantly bouncing from one thing to other. I gradually started practising meditation. It was difficult at the beginning because I used to obsessing and overthinking my thoughts. It took practice to grab hold of the notion that while meditating I just had to observe those thoughts, with no judgement. By bringing my focus back to my breathing. I'd do it in my bedroom and some time out in the garden. Meditation is about your awareness of the present moment, by focusing on my breathing which helped me stay present.

These are some of the healthy techniques that helped me. It wasn't an overnight miracle. It took time, practise and patience. I don't have a magic wand or all the right answers for everyone to get rid of all the pain and suffering. Although I want to share the ways that helped me deal and let go of those intense emotions. Letting you know that you are not alone.

There's a wall of stigma around mental health, that should be torn down. We can't automatically change people's mind or their beliefs, but spreading awareness and letting people know that it is normal to feel emotions as humans. We are not fudging robots! We are living in a period that we've constantly sought for outside approvals. Never within ourselves. That's one of the issues. We've been taught that our thoughts and opinions are not as important as person Z, Y or Z. That it was evil to have your own opinions, especially if it was outside the social norms. The main thing I've learned is I wasn't happy or am I willing to keep living my life through others expectations. I am the driver of this body.