Inside the Mind

I have been diagnosed with anorexia for six months, after struggling with my eating for five years and it is the hardest thing that I have to go through in my life. I never thought it would get this bad, but it has and it has been extremely hard to through recovery. Everyone in my life acts like it is something that will go away overnight but it is really not that easy, especially with all of the things that cross my mind everyday. Everything written below is how I feel everyday, just to show you what its is like. For some context, I am five foot tall and i have extreme emetophobia which is the fear of vomiting.

I know I have been diagnosed with anorexia and that I am extremely underweight but my mind is still telling me that I am making all of this up for attention and pity. I do not understand why because I get annoyed when people talk about it or when they are more gentle with me because of my diagnosis, so that is not me wanting attention but this voice is telling me that I am fake and that I am lying to everyone. I think it is because I am in recovery and I am starting to eat but sometimes I think I am eating too much for someone with an eating disorder and that I am just lucky that I got thin. I am not lucky that I got thin though, I hate being this thin, I may love how flat my stomach is because that is what society says is okay but I cannot fit in regular clothing, everything I wear is baggy even if it is supposed to be tight. I can no longer fit in an extra small from most stores, I am not allowed to buy stuff online because my mom says it is a waste of money to pay for shipping but she does not realize that I cannot fit in an extra small anymore and I have to buy the double extra small online because they do not sell it in store.

I am tired of all of the doctor appointments that i have to sit through, I am grateful for all of the help I am getting but i just want it to be over, I cannot work, I cannot go to college, I can only sit at home and try to get better so I can do that in the future. Most of my friends do not know about what I am going through and I do not want to tell them because they will either get scared and run away or they will sit there and pity me like my family does. When my dad first found out, he saw how skinny I was because I had not seen him in months due to my job and COVID, but when I saw him he would not stop commenting on my weight or offer me food and protein shakes. My dad is super into fitness and lost a lot of weight by dieting and working out and he thinks he knows what is best for me even though he was approaching the situation completely wrong. My mom finally told him that I felt he was talking about it too much and he backed off a bit which was great, however my mom is not a saint either. When I told my mom I gave her a note from my doctor saying I needed treatments for anorexia and the only things she talked about was how messed up I was.

My parents both had a hard time realizing I was sick and even though my doctor told me I was not in the right shape and state of mind to continue working my job as a cashier or to go to college, they still made me choose, it was either college or work because I was not gonna be able to sit around and do nothing even though I did not live with them, I was living with my boyfriend. I chose college because I thought it would be easier than going to work, which resulted in my health and weight declining and forcing me to drop out of college only a couple months in after missing a lot of class due to do fatigue and depression. My boyfriend has tried everything to help me get motivated to go to my classes but I could not handle doing eight hour days, four days a week and a twelve hour day every Wednesday for my client days. I ended up dropping out and had to move back in with my mom so I could be more comfortable in my recovery since this is my childhood home, I have been here my whole life and I was extremely homesick.

The week before I moved back in with my mom was the worst week of my life, I was extremely nauseous for the entire week and I could not get myself to eat anything that entire week even if I wanted to. It got to the point where I was so weak I could not walk to the bathroom or even stand up, I could not do a single thing that required me to move my legs. My boyfriend had to carry me everywhere and it was living hell, at some point my mom came over to bring me some food and comfort me since she was bringing my sister over to spend the night and all of that made me miss being home, a couple days later I decided it was best for me to move back and my boyfriend agreed so I called my mom and she helped me pack all of my stuff and I moved that same night. I was still a little weak and nauseous for a couple days after I moved but I got better pretty fast and went back to eating a little bit more each day. That week caused extreme weight lost for such a short period of time and I was already 15 pounds underweight for my height, by the end of that week I lost almost ten pounds which brought me down to 75 pounds. That was my lowest weight ever and I have gained about three pounds since then but I still need to gain a minimum of 17 pounds but my doctor wants me to gain 22 pounds so that I can have five pounds of "safety weight" so if I get the stomach flu or something that causes me to lose a few pounds I will still be at a healthy weight.

I would like to say that I am grateful for my team who is working very hard to help me and for anyone who has an eating disorder or knows someone with an eating disorder, these are the specialist that I go to and will be going to soon. I am currently seeing my family doctor, my social worker and a dietician, i will be seeing a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders. So if you have an eating disorder, you are a parent of a child who is struggling from one or if you are close to someone who is struggling, these are some professionals who may be able to help. I will be covering more questions people often have about anorexia in other stories.