Inner Truth

I was a young twenty-something year old, working eight to ten hours a day, six days a week, at a job I grew to detest. There was no time to do anything, not even get a haircut. It was just work; go home and clean up; cook a quick meal; sleep; and do it all over again the next day. Day after day.

I couldn’t have a dog with that type of work schedule so I bought an aquarium, 20 gallons, and slowly filled it with fish. About once a month I would go buy a few new fish or plants on my Sunday off. Fish were peaceful and watching them was relaxing. Eventually I had a fairly nice, vibrant tank. I was well pleased with it.

One Sunday on my aquarium shopping trip I took an interest in a beautiful Betta, also known as a Siamese fighting fish. He was a gorgeous red and looked so lonely and depressed there on the shelf in his little cup. For some reason he reminded me of me. I bought him and took him home.

The plan was to put him in the twenty gallon tank where I was sure he would rule with all his majesty. He was a fighting fish after all. Nothing was going to mess with him. What could go wrong? He seemed alright at first, just swimming around exploring his new home. Much better than that little cup he was in, I thought. Now he can have friends and companions too.

When I looked in on him the next day I noticed he was hanging out alone up in some floating plants in the corner of the aquarium. Every time he would venture out he would get attacked. Whoa! My fighting fish is getting picked on and bullied! This isn’t going to work out. I’m going to get him his own little aquarium on my next trip to the pet store. Maybe a nice five or ten gallon aquarium just for him.

A day or two went by with me grinding away at my job, coming home exhausted. When I went to feed the fish I saw my beautiful Betta was dead and half eaten. They had killed him. I was angry. Angry at myself for not acting sooner and angry at the fish in the tank for killing the new arrival, my beautiful Betta. Okay, lesson learned. Not every species is compatible. He just wasn’t ‘one of them’.

A few months passed and spring came. I went fishing on my Sunday off. There along the shore was a school of newly born catfish, swimming in a group. They were just tiny little things. I used a paper cup and scooped a few of them up, maybe four or five. I took them home and put them in the aquarium.

Only one managed to live for more than a month. I wasn’t too surprised since they were cold water lake fish placed in a tropical fish aquarium. That one catfish grew and grew. Soon he was the biggest fish in the tank and he was vicious.

Over the next few months I watched him hunt down and devour ever other fish in that aquarium. I felt no sympathy or remorse for those fuckers. Serves them right after what they did to my beautiful Betta. Karma in action.

Eventually he grew to be about six inch in length. He had killed and devoured everything in the tank and was now all alone, just like my Betta was when I bought him in that little cup. Fall was coming now and I no longer had an interest in keeping an aquarium, so I took him back to the lake where I found him and set him free.

During that summer, the Summer of the Catfish, there was an incident at work. I was a fuel truck driver delivering diesel to farms and heating oil to homes but the place where I worked was built on a farm and part of the property was still used as a farm. There were cattle in the fields and a barn used to raise pigs.

One day while I was in the office getting my next delivery orders the farm hand came in and announced, “Well, those big pigs finally killed that lame little runt! They ate him. The only thing left of him was his head.”

I immediately thought of my Betta. I knew those pigs were scheduled to get slaughtered and butchered. I had no sympathy for those fuckers. It’ll serve them right when Karma comes for them.

Now, I know you are probably thinking I might be a psychopath, and maybe I am. Here is where our story is going to get a little bit odd. Understand that I’m that beautiful Betta, surrounded by people I’m incompatible with. Maybe having a Mensa level IQ and an INTJ personality type might have something to do with it. It’s a very rare combination. Let’s just say I don’t ‘fit’ here.

I have always had an interested in things of an occult and/or religious nature. It’s not that I want to worship the devil or anything like that. It’s just curiosity. What is that? Is there anything real to it? How would the quantum physics we are just now exploring fit into that? There are so many things we just can’t explain.

The Chinese I Ching, the Book of Change, has always been something of interest to me. So, one night not long after the incident with the pigs I had a dream. I found myself sitting on the steps of God’s throne. He was sitting there beside me with an open book in his lap. I couldn’t see his head but I could see the book on his lap.

He said, “I’m sure you are familiar with this book.”

I looked and it was the I Ching, opened to hexagram 61 – Inner Truth. Pigs and Fish. Good fortune. It furthers one to cross the great water. Perseverance furthers. Besides being a little fancier than any of my I Ching copies I noticed the words in his book were a little bit different too.

When I awoke I thought about the beautiful Betta devoured by those around him. I thought about the lame pig devoured by those around him. They had no chance. They had done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve their fate. It was just the fate of being with those that they had no compatibility with. This was the meaning of Inner Truth, Pigs and Fish.

Years have passed since that dream. I’m no longer that young twenty-something year old. Over the years I’ve found myself hiding in the weeds like that Betta, suffering attack after attack anytime I venture out too far. This is a condition that cannot last for I’ve grown tired of it. Although I have veiled my light I’m sure it still shines.

Shall I be the Betta or little pig that gets devoured? Shall I become the catfish that devours all with no sympathy or remorse? Or shall I become something more? Shall I become the man who leads the world to order by shining the light of Inner Truth upon those who seek to hide in the darkness of their cruel world?

This is the thing I ponder as I gaze into my new twenty gallon aquarium, watching my beautiful Betta swim happily surrounded by those intended for him. He’s so beautiful and majestic. So peaceful and at easy. How I envy him.

Inner Truth. Pigs and Fish. Good fortune. It furthers one to cross the great water. Perseverance furthers. Remorse disappears. Shock, thus to discipline the Devil’s Country. After three years, great realms are rewarded.