In Honor of International Women's Day, I'd like to speak to the women who won't be celebrated.

It's the age-old "they'll only do it once". Generally referring to a child touching a hot surface or another action that causes a negative reaction. But it seems more often than not, many of us don't quite learn from our mistakes.

It would be more than a decade of repeatedly ending up in bad relationships and situations before I would finally break the cycle of staying. Who am I kidding? Add another half a decade to that. There would finally come a time that I lived what I did not know I deserved. Some would say that people stay in abusive relationships because they're either lying, or they're weak, and that isn't the case at all. A lot of it is surely fear. But, what if some of it is comfort and security? what if it isn't the fear of the person as much as it is the fear of losing them?

It is also a circumstance I have lived, time and time again. When you're with a person for an extended period of time and, whether the relationship is good or bad, there is some comfort in that. There's security to be had in knowing you always have a home to return to, even if that home is not an ideal situation. When I was in one of many abusive relationships the biggest thing that often went through my mind was "how was I going to start over?". I was already used to the abuse itself so, I can't quite say that is what I was afraid of. And it wasn't a matter of finances or selfishness, as much as it was simply a fear of the unknown. I mean yes, when there are children involved or even pets, that is a huge factor in not being able to just pick up and walk away. Eventually, fortunately, most of us find our way out of these situations. But then, we get to the unfortunate part.

Whether we end up back with the very person we narrowly escaped, or we end up in an entirely new bad relationship, many of us will repeat this cycle at least once. And in my circumstance, I repeated it at least two more times. There's much to be said about the psychology of this but, I'm not a psychologist. What I am is a woman who has made many mistakes and many poor choices. I was that one lab rat that kept biting the electric cheese over and over again in the maze. Eventually, I finally felt the shock, changed my direction, and broke the cycle. Some would ask me, "Well, clearly you didn't enjoy being mistreated correct? So why would you go back?" or "Why would you end up in that situation with a different person?" And, those are great questions. If it's worth a pot to piss in, the best answer I can give you is this.

When you are conditioning yourself to do anything whether it's running a marathon, learning to sing, or roller skate, or be in a shitty relationship. You reach a point in your mind, and even in your body, where that's almost all you know. Where you can get on a bicycle after 15 years and simply ride it. You don't even have to give it a second thought. Long-term abusive relationships are very much like this. You spend so much time being told that you're not good enough, and you spend so much time being treated like you're not good enough, that you do truly end up believing it. The other part of that is that oftentimes, myself included, when we get away from these situations we never have enough time to truly feel what it feels like to be on our own. We never have enough time to sit with ourselves. To feel emotions and make decisions all alone, without an outside influence. It's like we become children more than partners to these people because ultimately they dictate and decide everything we do. Sometimes all the way down to when we sleep and what we eat. But there is hope. There is an opportunity to break that cycle.

If you've been following my series on YouTube, depending on when you read this, you've just barely touched the surface of my story. The first chapter of that series covers my first experience with this kind of relationship. Sadly it would not be my last. What finally broke the fall in this downward spiral wasn't just the fact that I narrowly escaped my final abusive domestic relationship. It was that for the first time, I did have a support system and I was able to escape and relocate myself several states away. I can honestly say that had I not had a support system in my family that I probably would have gone back. Because even with the legal stipulation that I could not be contacted, that person continued to contact me. I can tell you that if you're reading this and you're in a relationship that is like mine was, you will completely understand what I'm about to say.

Had I been closer to him and had I not had the support, he could have easily charmed me right back. It didn't matter that he almost killed me and it didn't matter that he pushed me to almost successfully kill myself. People who treat people the way that you or I have been treated are very, very good at being very, very bad. But, regardless I was able to fight that off and I was able to begin to slowly put my life together. Sometimes it felt like it would be easier to just go back. But, I did not. And it is because I didn't that I am sitting here today, in a healthy relationship.

But this isn't a story of instant salvation. It is not a fairy tale that I escaped and I magically had this wonderful life that was easy to live. The reality is that while I did get away, I went back to drinking after a hiatus of sobriety. I stayed single for a very long time before I finally met my husband. But, not without the fine print that they never tell you about. when I finally recognized my worth and got comfortable, and happy being alone, I realized there is much more to this. With that independence also came a hatred for intimate relationships. The very idea of them made me angry. I had started as a frail, meek, afraid to speak my mind, victim of abuse. I ended up, even if temporarily, a stone-cold woman who was absorbed in my bitterness. So much so that if I hadn't finally met my husband, I would probably foresee myself alone in a house with 25 cats. Throwing knives at pictures of men in magazines. Well, that's a little harsh and only partially true. The truth is that part of my process couldn't just be to escape and learn to love myself. Part of my process also had to be to learn how to love other people again. I survived the process as I survived the abuse. And, I can not tell you which was worse. But, I can tell you that your spirit is still there and you can do this.

If you're reading this and you're in a situation like mine, be it on a more severe or less severe scale, that doesn't matter. No level of mistreatment towards you by another human being is ever okay. if there's anything in this that resonates with you, I just need you to know something. So, please hear me when I say this to you. It might not be today and it might not be tomorrow. Unfortunately, it might not even be a year from now. But, if you find yourself with the opportunity to at least try to get away. If you find an open door to at least try to learn to love yourself and give yourself the respect that you deserve. Please take it. Please go. You might fall down. You might go back. But, you never failed. You will get back up again. That is my hope for you.

#InternationalWomensDay #DomesticViolenceSurvivors

You can learn more about me at http://www.DenaDanzig.com