Impressionable

As a young impressionable woman I have been faced with many many challenges and obstacles in my short 28 years of existence. Including and not limited to

Drug abuse

Emotional, physical and mental abuse

Childhood trauma

Mental illness

Loss

And much more

But with that all aside I am still human, I still have to pay my bills, rent and put food on the table so me and my son can live a comfortable life.

Each day is a silent battle to get up each morning and make breakfast, have a coffee and get on with my day.

The one thing I struggle the most with is being emotionally available to my 4 year old son, he deserves a mother who can be there to teach him the ways of the world all while learning the hard stuff herself.

My addiction and recovery is the centre of all this, so let’s start with that. I started using methamphetamine when I was just 19 years old. My very first introduction to the drug was by my ex partner from 2014. The first words out of his mouth were “you will like it, but it’s a sometimes food” I’m not sure if he was telling me that as a warning or as a justification to the introduction itself, I will never forget the first day I tried this new drug. I stayed up for 3 days just from one session on the pipe, I painted, I cleaned, I felt amazing! How could this be so good yet so frowned upon… and to be truthful I didn’t even know what I had tried was in fact the notorious drug “Ice” I’m not sure if knowing that would have made any difference to me trying it, I was in love and just moved out of home, having this new found freedom also came with minimal boundaries and a late blooming recklessness to boot. I had already had a night on pills and a weekend on acid, what harm could this possibly do?

Would I have accepted this new drug into my system If I knew back then what I know now? Probably because where I am today wouldn’t not be where I would be if I didn’t. And despite all the bad that followed that new high, there was one good thing that came out of it, my son and he would not be here today if I didn’t go down the turbulent road I went down. He is my reason to stay clean today and my addiction shapes who I am and paves the way to where I want to be. I wear my recovery like a badge of honour and I am not ashamed nor do I regret the life I have lead. We all make mistakes, some learn from them, some don’t, and I am fortunate enough to be one of the ones who has come out the other side, so if you are struggling with addiction just know that you are not alone, you matter and there is help out there, you just have to want it.

I am writing snippets of my story here on vocal in the hopes that one day I will piece my life together bit by bit and publish my very own book about the struggles of addiction, being sent to prison, having a baby in the heart of my addiction and learning to be an adult at the ripe age of 27. It’s been hard and my journey is not yet over, but for the first time in my life the road ahead of me is bright. I hope my story can help others along the way too.